I warned in the last email that this might be triggering to read. I'm about to turn up the heat, so prepare to have your beliefs challenged!
This newsletter addresses the issue of how men and women gain a sense of honor differently. To avoid becoming resentful, we need
to take a peek at life through our wife's eyes and value the differences in our perspectives. Our marriage stands to be improved if we can accept that the virtues that give her a sense of honor differ from ours.
Men And Women View Honor Differently
In the first email, I said to avoid using triggers as the compass for your choices.
We learned that changing our minds every time we hear new advice or get a negative reaction from our wife accelerates the spiral to divorce.
Now let's talk about the 2nd thing to avoid:
It is trying to hold her accountable to her wedding vows by expecting her to share your personal masculine values for
"honor".
For men, holding to our vows is a non-negotiable if we want to feel a sense of honor.
The problem is women don't find a sense of honor or self-respect from masculine virtues like men
do.
In her feminine mind, she feels like she's violating her own code of honor by committing to a man who doesn't understand her...a man for whom she's lost a connection.
She feels as if she's
being unfaithful and disloyal to her values by being intimate with her husband when she doesn't feel attraction for him.
In her mind, ending a relationship can feel like she's choosing honor, fidelity, and virtue even though it breaks her vows.
It's a masculine virtue to find honor by following through on our word even if we don't feel like it.
In movies when the superhero makes the ultimate sacrifice to save the world, we men instantly respect him for doing the hard
thing.
Women are simply not wired this way.
For her, she gains a sense of honor by
aligning with her feelings despite her words which is a whole new level of fidelity we can easily misunderstand.
The saying is true, “she won’t remember what you did but she will remember how you made her feel”.
Honor Your Values, Let Her Honor Hers
When we expect women to find honor in the same way we do, we set ourselves up for massive frustration and resentment.
I compare it to
trying to shove a square peg in a round hole.
Here are some choices we have when a peg doesn't fit in a hole...
- Get mad at the peg
- Blame the peg
for being square
- Only play with round pegs and avoid square ones
- Force the square peg into the round hole (and destroy both in the process)
- Accept the peg is
square and value that it’s not round
Men who guilt their wife into staying married by holding her vows against her often find she becomes a zombie version of herself, leading to a passionless marriage.
Most women do not gain the inspiring and energizing sense of honor we men do when they aligns to their words.
She is wired to be a mirror that reflects what it feels like to partake in our life
and to follow the feelings that creates.
The question we need to ask is what kind of life are we living?
Is it fun, exciting, loving, and purposeful?
Or is it critical, insecure, fearful, and needy?
The Secret Is To VALUE Our Differences
Women are here to
stay, so I choose to accept and admire how they are.
Personally, I LOVE how a woman's body is the opposite of mine, especially during intercourse!
It took me a long time to accept that her inner world differs greatly from mine as well.
Learning to VALUE our differences is the only way we can build an abundant, happy life with our wife.
Look at what happens when we value the differences in her body.. it produces babies!
What was a family of only 2 people becomes a family of 3, 4, 5, or more!
This same concept applies to our contrasting virtues.
A relationship greater than we could have created as a lone ranger becomes possible when we value her opposite way of thinking and feeling.
We can save a lot of frustration when we realize virtues that attract us to women are not the same virtues that attract women to men.
She can value that we're steady, we can value that she changes.
She can value that we look ahead, we can value that she looks at the moment (and the past).
What A Woman Deeply Values From Her Husband
I once watched a video about a study
conducted with babies and their mothers.
The mother was placed on one end of the room, and the small child, barely old enough to crawl, was placed on the other end.
Between the mother and the child, a
chair was placed to block the child’s path.
When the little boys reached the chair, they could see their mom on the other side.
The child would fuss a bit, then get busy trying to climb the chair,
move the chair, or go through the chair.
Eventually, the little boys figured out how to get past the chair and reached their moms!
Then it was the little girls'
turn.
When the girls reached the chair, they too could see their mom on the other side.
However, the little girls didn't try to move the chair, they just stood there and
cried!
The story illustrates how men are fixers and women want to communicate where they are so they can be seen.
Our wife wants us to see her in her pain, in her confusion, in the messiness of
life, and still love her for who she is.
Men are the watchers, and she craves to be seen by us to her core!
If we react to what emerges from her, or dismiss her feelings, she feels unloved and
unvalued.
How To Look At Your Wife With New Eyes
Viewing our wife's actions through the lens of our own expectations leads to frustration.
We help you clarify fulfilling masculine standards you hold yourself to.
You become like a superhero who does the right thing knowing he couldn't live with himself if he
didn’t.
