Most of the men who get into deeper personal work only do so when faced with an unsolvable pain. (that's my story too)
And the most common source of "unsolvable pain" for these men is a relationship with a woman. Yep, it's the same old story. Man chases woman. Woman gets caught. Everything is great...until the day it's not.
"Death by female" is a silly
phrase I coined to describe the most frequent source of a man's deepest anxiety and fear. We feel confused by women, love, sex and romance. This confusion leads to frustration and anger.
In Coach Garrett's part 2 email below, he takes you into a deep-dive into the paradox of "loyalty" when in relationship with a woman.
My hope is that you see the wisdom in understanding and accepting this paradox.
And if you're trying to create a healthy, happy, intimate marriage, you can't afford to NOT learn this lesson.
*****
This is part 2 of a 3-part series (Click HERE to
read part 1). I warned in the last email that this might be triggering to read. I'm about to turn up the heat, so prepare to have your beliefs challenged!
Men And Women Find Honor Differently
In the first email, I said to avoid using triggers to justify your choices.
We learned changing our decisions every time we hear new advice or get a negative reaction from our wife accelerates the spiral to divorce.
Now let's talk about the 2nd thing to avoid:
Thinking sacrifices and loyalty wins a woman's heart!
Ironically, disloyalty causes many divorces so it's easy to think the opposite should be true.
For the most part, masculine values are not valued by others when present, BUT they are sorely missed when absent.
Loyalty is a perfect example.
Most women are not going to be burning with intimate passion for us just because we've remained sexually monogamous with her.
Paying bills is another example.
Paying bills on time probably won't get us extra blow-jobs, BUT stop paying those bills and we'll be met with her displeasure when the power gets shut off!
For some reason, when our wife says she wants out of the relationship, we assume she must not understand the depth of our love or loyalty for her.
We think if we can
get her to realize how much we care for her and how much we've sacrificed for her, she'll be swooned back into caring for us.
Logically, this makes sense to us.
For a man,
the loyalty of a woman can largely influence our attraction towards her.
Many would refer to a faithful, loyal lady as a high-value woman.
The problem is women don't find a sense of
honor or self-respect from masculine values like men do.
In a feminine mind, she feels like she's violating her own code of honor by committing to a man who she doesn't have feelings for.
She feels as if she's being unfaithful to her virtue by being intimate with her husband when she doesn't feel attraction for him.
In her mind, ending a relationship can feel like she's choosing honor, fidelity, and
virtue.
It's a masculine virtue to find honor on following through on our word even if we don't feel like it.
In movies when the superhero makes the ultimate sacrifice to save the world, we men instantly respect him for doing the hard thing.
For a woman, she gets that same sense of honor by aligning with her feelings in spite of her words.
The saying is true, “she won’t remember what you did but she will remember how you made her feel”.
Focus On Your Values And Let Her Have Hers
As soon as we try
to hold women to the same standards we men find honor in, we set ourselves up for massive frustration.
I compare it to trying to shove a square peg in a round hole.
Here are some choices we have when a peg doesn't fit in a hole...
- Get mad at the peg
- Blame the peg for being square
- Only play with round pegs and avoid square ones
- Force the square peg into the round hole (and destroy both in the process)
- Accept the peg is square
Acceptance is the only path forward if we want to be happy while sharing this planet with women.
Acceptance is not the same as being a doormat.
Part of being masculine is to give others the space to make choices and to allow them to experience the sting of their choices.
If we've developed a people-pleasing approach we can be tempted to smooth over the consequences of
other people's choices.
If we pay for the neighbor's window every time our son hits a baseball through it, he may never learn to hit baseballs away from house windows.
If our son has to
earn the money to pay for the neighbor's window, he will learn from the sting of his choice!
The Secret Is To VALUE Our Differences
As far as I can tell, women are here to stay so I choose to accept them how
they come.
Personally, I LOVE how a woman's body is the opposite of mine, especially during intercourse!
It took
me a long time to accept that her inner world differs greatly from mine as well.
Learning to VALUE our differences is the only way we can build an abundant, happy life with our wife.
Look at what happens when we value the differences in her body.. it produces babies!
What was a family of just 2 people becomes a family of 3, 4, or 5, etc!
This same concept applies to our contrasting virtues.
A relationship greater than we could have created as a lone ranger becomes possible when we value her opposite way of thinking and feeling.
We can save a lot of frustration when we realize virtues that attract us to women are not the same virtues that attract women to men.
She can value that we're steady, we can value that she changes.
She can value that we look ahead, we can value that she looks at the moment (and the past).
What A Woman Values From Her Husband
I once
watched a video about a study conducted with babies and their mothers.
The mother was placed on one end of the room, and the small child, barely old enough to crawl, was placed on the other end.
Between the mother and the child, a chair was placed to block the child’s path.
When the little boys reached the chair, they could see their mom on the other side.
The child would fuss a bit, then get busy trying to climb the chair, move the chair, or go through the chair.
Eventually, the little boys figured out how to get past the chair and reached their moms!
Then it was the little girls' turn.
When the girls reached the chair, they too could see their mom on the other side.
However, the little girls didn't try to move the chair, they just stood there and cried!
The story illustrates how men are fixers and women want to communicate where they are so they can be seen.
Our wife wants us to see her in her pain, in her confusion, in the messiness of life, and still love her for who she is.
Men are the watchers, and she craves to be seen by us to her core!
If we react to what emerges from her, or dismiss her feelings, she feels unloved and unvalued.
How To Look At Your Wife With New Eyes
Viewing our wife's actions through the lens of our own expectations leads to frustration.
We help you clarify fulfilling masculine standards you hold yourself to.
You become like a superhero who does the right thing knowing he couldn't live with himself if he didn’t.
If you're ready to join the party, Click HERE to pay and save your spot!
The cost is only two monthly payments of $424.
Use coupon Code STRONG to get a 10% discount before July 27th!
Registration closes August 3rd and our first session will be August 17th at 5:00 PM Pacific.
We'll see you in the course!
Garrett Prettyman & Mark
Drezga
Associate coaches at GG2GM
