The only way to speak the truth is to speak lovingly.
Henry David Thoreau
A conversation with a client recently produced some of the most loving words of truth.
He's another one of dozens of clients facing the all-too-familiar situation I described above.
After months of work, talking, counseling, late night agonizing and conversations with no satisfying end...he said this to his wife.
And he said it with the calmness, confidence and mojo of Yoda.
Whether or not the physical and emotional affair actions are over, she is still carrying the possible future with him in her heart...hanging onto that branch if you will. The other morning I called her out on it...I was calm, clear and sympathetic...I asked her if she had told him that there was no future with her and that he needed to move on.
She stumbled on her words, but eventually got out that she had told him she was with me and that I was her husband. I looked at her and asked if she had told herself that there is no future with him.
I went on to tell her what I thought and felt....that I felt she was stuck in the middle. One hand on each branch...holding onto a possible future with him while hanging onto the safety and possible future with me. I told her I understood her fear and uncertainty. The feeling of making a choice where both choices have an inherent risk. I know that feeling and have lived
it...when I had to choose to stay or go when she told me about the affairs. Both options had risk, but I chose to stay...I chose her and I am fully committed.
I told her that the feelings she thinks she needs and are hoping to find will never come and she will not find with me as long as she is holding onto both branches. They will come when she commits and lets go of other possibilities. I left it at that and told her I didn't need a response or discussion...just wanted to share my thoughts.
*****
Those are words of truth. They come from an inner clarity, self-reliance and self-worth. No coddling or assurance is required.
You simply state your truth without threats or ultimatums.
You can't be dependent on a response or an outcome when you speak your truth.
Your truth isn't to be used for manipulation or control.
You just say it and walk the other way.
The only way to speak your truth is to speak lovingly.
The rest will eventually take care of itself.
