How to Get CLEAR: Should I Stay or Should I Go??

Published: Thu, 03/25/21

Hey,

When a man asks me, "How can I know whether I should keep trying to stay married or whether I should just call it quits?", I have to take a conscious breath and pause.

There are so many people in your life who mean well who will blurt out an answer based on their own level of pain and knowledge about marriage.

Many people will quickly tell you to "dump her and move on!". These people are acting out their own fear of failure, rejection and abandonment. They telling you to get divorced so they can feel better about themselves and their crappy experience.

Then there are those who will quickly tell you "divorce is never the right answer!!" Many of these people are stuck in their own crappy marriage and want you to share their pain. Or they have adopted a non-negotiable value about the importance of marriage and that no amount of personal pain can justify ending a marriage, especially if there are kids involved.

In coaching, we never tell you what you should do.

Sorry about that. But there's a better way.

We teach you how you can THINK about what you should do.

We will tell you about strong, calm, confident men who have decided to stay and WHY.

And we will tell you about strong, calm, confident men who have decided to leave and WHY.

We will teach you about the CHOICES you have in front of you and which ones lead to better outcomes.

And it's with this kind of coaching where men get strong, clear, calm and confident in who they are being and what choices they are making.

*****

In this video I want to tell you what strong, calm, confident men THINK about and how they make their choices. A written synopsis is below the video.

How to Know...If You Should Stay or Go

While many women struggle with the decision to stay or leave based on happiness, security, lifestyle, comfort and kids, most men struggle based on just two things.

"Will she ever love me the way I want to be loved and...

what will this do to my kids?"

Most guys I know who are clear and calm about WHY they are staying come up with these statements:

1. I still love her! I don't hate her. And I want HER as my lover and partner in life.

2. I have more to learn about myself, more to improve and more to grow and THIS marriage is where I need to be to learn those things.

3. I want to be better with HER and I want to learn how to LOVE HER better, more accepting and more unconditionally.

4. I want my family to stay together and I want my kids to experience a healthy parenting relationship and a loving home life.

5. This is where I belong. This is what I signed up for and I still want what I signed up for ... even if the current reality is kind of shitty. "For better or worse", as they say.

And here are some of the reasons men who are clear and calm decide WHY they are ending the marriage.

1. I'll always love her in a spiritual way, but I no longer feel any romantic or committed love toward her.

2. I've been the best possible version of me for her for a long enough period of time to know that she will not/cannot respond to me as a lover and partner.

3. I want to share myself and my life with others who share my values for a healthy relationship. I will create that for myself.

4. I want to show my kids what a strong, clear, loving man of value does in the face of hard choices. I want them to see me happy and alive. I believe they will be okay and will be better off seeing me live a life of passion and happiness. (and I will always honor their mother no matter what)

5. This is no longer where I belong. This isn't the life I desire and I am clear and unapologetic about wanting a better life and relationship. "Live and Learn", as they say.

*****

The GG2GM coaching style is always about CLARTY. Some of the most seemingly complex problems are actually quite simple.

Not easy. But simple. And with simplicity comes your ability to make a simple, clear choice.

We teach about getting CLEAR about 3 choices in your current marital situation and how to think and talk about it in counseling and with your wife.

These are the 3 simple choices each individual in a relationship can make.

The first two are easy. The third one takes courage, balls and a whole lot of self-respect. (The three things we always deliver in our coaching programs, by the way.)

There are Three Gears to Choose From

Reverse - Neutral - Drive

Reverse: Repeat the same old bad thoughts, habits, behaviors and words that make the relationship worse. Defensiveness, Criticism, Stonewalling and Contempt. Consciously treat each other badly based on fear and hurt over past misdeeds and failures. Blame each other constantly for how you feel and refuse to do anything to give credit, benefit of the doubt or positive affirmation or acknowledgement. Stay stuck in the past so you can justify your emotions of anger, resentment and fear. Do it all over again tomorrow.

Neutral: Otherwise known as the NUMB gear. Make no moves backward or forward. Live in a pretend world where there is NOTHING to live for. Be non-committal, avoidant, detached and apathetic toward any energy pushing you to look into the past OR future. Pretend this is a "comfort zone" and is the place of no pressure where you can just be you without any pressure of disappointment or judgment. Refuse to engage at ANY level of emotional honesty, transparency or vulnerability. Protect yourself and your interests at all costs. Do it all over again tomorrow.

Drive: Otherwise known as the land of positive intention and positive regard. Realize that a life of peace, contentment, trust, appreciation, fulfillment, respect and love is a place to COME FROM...not a place to get to. It is only in the conscious and deliberate state and INTENTION of creation that a person gets to experience that world. It feels messy and awkward at times and you see this as the feeling you get when you're doing it right.

You choose to trust based on love and positive regard as opposed to MAKING OTHERS EARN YOUR TRUST. You feel wholehearted and connected because you allow yourself to be seen, heard and valued while you make daily efforts to see, hear and value others. This is a lifestyle of intentional thinking and behaving where a better reality is created....even if you don't stay together forever. Do it all over again tomorrow.

*****

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Lotta love, brother

Steve

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