I'm busy evacuating from a huge fire near my place in Colorado, so Dan's bringing you the newsletter today.
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Women often sound surprised that so many men don't get how sexual attraction is built and maintained in a relationship. They say things like "He doesn't understand me" or "He never listens."
And the men they're talking about are frustrated as hell when they explain their side to me on our coaching calls because as far as he's concerned, he's always listening to her, always trying to be attentive and wanting her to be happy.
He tries really hard but the more he tries, the less he seems to get what he wants.
So what's really going on here?
He's measuring the relationship in a way that is causing the problem he's trying to fix.
The ONLY gauge he's looking at is the sex gauge and specifically, the "how often they have sex" gauge.
His focus on this one gauge affects all the other gauges too, so now he's seeing less companionship, less affection, less conversation, less laughter, less flirtation, in fact often it's got so bad that most interactions feel disconnected and short and her tone is frustrated or completely emotionless and uninterested.
In this email I want to explain how YOU have an amazing ability to prevent this disconnection from happening in your relationship, and how you can create all the affection, companionship and intimacy you want if you choose to learn how.
The one common factor that kills her attraction to you is being a "slave to your sex drive".
What does that mean?
It means that your interest in her is constantly overridden by your interest in having sex.
When we're a "slave to our sex drive", everything we do and say conveys loud and clear what we desperately need from her.
It's not that she isn't interested in companionship, affection, conversation, laughter, flirtation and sex with you...in fact, she would LOVE to join you
in those.
But first, she needs you to understand why needing her for sex pushes her away and turns her off.
We often ask to connect and be intimate with her when we're feeling low, feeling frustrated, feeling hurt, unloved and disconnected - but those are the worst times to ask, because we're trying to get her to make us feel better.
It's an insecure reaction and it's the most unattractive we can ever be.
You might be overwhelmingly lonely or so horny that you can't stand it and it comes out sounding something like "I guess sex is off the table then?!!"
It's a complaining, whiny little boy energy, and no-one is attracted to that.
I don't say this to shame you - I say this from personal experience and speaking to thousands of men who've walked in your shoes before you.
This is one of the MANY reasons men can gradually become UNATTRACTIVE to their wives.
You see we forget what we were like when her attraction to us was high.
We believe that the difference in the connection and affection in our marriage is all down to her.
We think that SHE USED TO BE more sexually eager, more open to us, more comfortable with initiating sex, but the truth is that WE BECAME LESS attractive to her.
The reason she is acting differently toward you is because you are different with her.
Over time and for various reasons you became less relaxed, less confident, less playful, less respectful, less thoughtful, less trustworthy and often MORE apologetic for being a sexual man.
And when you become apologetic for being a sensual, sexual man, you start asking for permission to connect with her, you place the ability for YOU to feel confident, attractive and sexy in HER hands.
