You can't please everybody all the time. Being a strong man means having high moral standards, being self-disciplined, being decisive, having strength in your convictions, being honest and having the courage to face difficulties. It’s being
confident and self-reliant.
~ Elliot Katz, Being The Strong Man A Woman Wants
With all the conflicting messages it's easy to see how we get to the point of disconnection and discontent in our relationships.
But the thing that stands out so clearly for most of the men we talk to (and I raise my hand as I say this, because this was me too), is that we're trying so hard to "get it right" that we've become afraid of making the wrong decision.
In 99% of the situations you deal with in a relationship, it's less important whether the decision you make is "right" or "wrong," and it's much more important that you believe you have agency to make that decision and take the lead. That you trust your intention and direction.
She may have a different perspective, she may have different motivations and fears. She may argue and criticise and question you and your decision.
None of that matters when you have faith in who you are, where you're headed and WHY.
You see, her objections aren't about you, they're about her, and that's OK. In fact, that's something you're interested in learning more about.
I'm not saying you should accept abuse - name calling and shaming should be called out and the conversation stopped until you can carry on without them.
Being strong means stepping forward to make decisions in difficult situations and taking responsibility for the outcome.
When you make decisions from a place of clarity as to WHY you're making that decision, she can feel the difference, she can trust it. She may still test it, but the more you do this, the less those tests will come.
Making decisions from fear never works out well.
You may avoid the pain of making a mistake, you may avoid more of what you don't want in that moment (arguing, complaining etc), but you won't create what you really want (trust, respect etc).
How do you know which decision to make to get what you want?
First you have to know what you want.
In relationships we can be too focused on an outcome rather than showing that we care.
We treat it like a place to GET our needs met, to achieve our goals.
But that's not how relationships work.
We must treat it like "farming". You're planting seeds and doing the ground work to give it the best shot at succeeding.
In long term relationships, TRUST and RESPECT are grown.
Some people think those things must come first and then you can finally open up and be honest and vulnerable with each other.
Never happens that way.
Honesty, openness and vulnerability need to come FIRST. Only then can trust and respect happen.
