If you want her to open to you - to let down her emotional and physical guard - she needs to feel safe with you. She needs to feel your care for her, especially if she's feeling upset. If you can stay with her, then she can trust you and let you
in.
For those of you in sexless and disconnected relationships I know this can be hard to understand - I've lived that life in the past so this is just as much a reminder for me as it is information for you.
The main thing I want you to understand is that she doesn't feel your masculine energy through you TRYING to show it to her. She is sensing it at an energetic level.
Most men think they just have to be stoic and not show any emotion but the truth is that you have to be able to feel and discern which are your emotions or you'll get sucked into her emotions and then you've lost control of your masculine energy.
Another word for masculine energy is confidence.
Do you know yourself?
Do you know who you are as a man?
Do you trust yourself?
Do you know what you want from yourself first and then from her?
Can you tell what you're feeling AND empathise with what she's feeling?
There's a huge difference between a man who consistently INVITES her to receive his love, desire and affection with no reliance on how she responds, versus a man who TRIES to give those things to her and gets upset when she can't receive them.
If you're not confident in your value as a man, in the value that you bring to your relationship and the sexual value that you have to offer her, then your masculine energy is felt as inconsistent by her.
She senses the lack of conviction in your self confidence and she stays shut. Where it's safe and she knows she won't get hurt.
We think that she's deliberately staying distant, staying disconnected and cold.
But the truth is that she needs your conviction to show her the way.
She needs you to hold the door to intimate connection open so wide and so consistently that she can't help but want to follow you there.
What does this look like in reality?
When a man who's just heard his wife say "I want a divorce," smiles and kisses her - just like he would if his child said "I hate you Daddy."
When a man, who's partner is lost and confused after a parent or favourite pet has died, makes her coffee first thing in the morning every day for a week with a smile of care and without expectation of her gratitude.
When a man sees past her anger to how overwhelmed and tired she is and rather than asking what she needs, just steps in, takes the kids to make dinner and runs her a bath.
No words required.
It's all communicated in how he is BEING.
WHO he is being.
Sometimes she can't receive our invitation because she's too overwhelmed, shut down and consumed by her emotions, but most of the time we give up too soon. We feel in pain from the disconnection, pull away and go and find something to distract us.
We may tentatively try to connect with her, to check in and see if she's willing to connect, but it's like we're asking permission to connect and it makes her feel unsafe because she feels the lack of conviction, the lack of leadership. Our masculine energy is weak and inconsistent and so she stays closed.
The crazy thing is that both people want the same thing!
They both want to feel connected, appreciated and loved.
Our coaching at Goodguys2Greatmen differs from most other therapists and coaches - we teach that relationships REQUIRE a healthy man leading the emotional connection.
When there's disconnection and both sides are closed off or tentative towards each other, occasionally you may experience a moment of relaxation and connect again which makes you think everything is OK between you, but over the long term it will remain mostly distant and unaffectionate.
Someone has to change the pattern of behavior between you.
Someone has to take the lead.
But before that can happen, first there needs to be a change in you.
You can only confidently lead her, when you're confident in yourself.
She will only trust your lead when your invitation is consistent and doesn't change depending on her reaction.
And a man can only be that consistent when he has done the work on himself to the point where he truly knows his value and has a level of self respect and self worth that is unshakeable.
I'm not talking about when a woman is blaming or shaming you, but when she's feeling her emotions deeply - maybe grief or sadness or anger - it's when you can tell she's hurting and can empathise with her pain.
It's incredibly healing to her nervous system when a man can stand strong in his own value and invite her to join him in something steady and reliable.
And when men do this work...women find it so hot!
So my question for you is...
Do you take up the challenge to understand how to consistently invite her to feel your masculine, calming energy now you know it can truly transform the mood, connection and intimacy in your relationship?
In our coaching we take men through an intense program to build this energy to the point where it is constantly there, and you no longer doubt yourself or your ability to handle her emotional storms.
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