The only safe ship in a storm is leadership
(Faye Wattleton)
When we're talking about relationships, there's a common area that trips us men up all the time and it's the NEED for her approval, her affection, her touch and intimacy.
In the book, Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson researched men and women's attachment styles and mentions an experiment into the difference between our sex drives. In the experiment she presented both men and women with sexually explicit images
while they were hooked up to brain scanning equipment.
Interestingly, both sexes were EQUALLY aroused.
However, the women’s brains lit up in an area that didn't light up in the men’s brains - the Prefrontal Cortex - the area of the brain that is concerned with control and judgment.
The researchers concluded that in response to a sexual cue, ALL women are preoccupied with safety at the same time (whereas men were not).
How does this relate to what's happening right now in your relationship and the wider world?
If you don't know how to create safety in your relationships then people will struggle to relax and open up around you which is a precursor to intimate connection of any kind.
Before you can lead your kids, your colleagues, your friends and your romantic partner anywhere you have to first and foremost learn how to lead yourself.
That means you have to find ways to stay calm.
Why?
Because leaders make measured decisions.
That doesn't mean they can't make quick, on-the-spot decisions.
When calmness is something you have practiced and learned how to control, quick decisions are still measured, but they're not emotional reactions.
When you're dealing with someone in a high anxiety, overwhelmed, stressed out, worried or otherwise obviously upset state, the BEST way you can support them and love them through it, is to stay in your own lane, stay in your own energy and not get dragged into the emotion.
You can't help them when you're both in an emotional state, in fact the majority of the time, both your emotions just magnify each other and you spiral down into stronger emotional reactions and more dramatic communication - which doesn't end well.
How do you develop the tool of staying calm in your relationship?
In one aspect this is the same way you would develop any skill for work or DIY etc...
- Practice.
- Awareness.
- Reflection.
- Practice again.
- Repeat
But there's another aspect to this that is KEY for your ability to be a calm, consistent, deliberate and pleased man, and that is DECLARING that calm confidence in your own decision making is something that you want.
Again, consistency is so important.
You can't be calm only some of the time and still expect the same level of safety, relaxation and trust to be built.
Finally the secret sauce to BEING a source of calmness, a source of relaxation, a source of trust is understanding that this is an amazing MASCULINE gift that you can give to anyone, anytime.
You don't need other people or circumstances to be a certain way for you to "stay calm".
You get to choose to BE calm.
To GIVE calmness.
To CREATE safety.
And then sit back and enjoy the more relaxed, connected, safe and trusting intimate moments that make up the rest of your life.
The best place for you to learn and practice growing your ability to remain calm in the face of a storm (whether it's the weather, a virus or a woman's emotions) is with a group of high quality, open hearted, generous and loving men.
Last night on our Roundtable group coaching call we had men from all walks of life including those the front line dealing with the current medical emergency around the Corona Virus.
We want you to experience what it's like to have men who understand you and have your back as the new normal in your life.
So my question for you is...
Do you take up the challenge to declare that you want more calmness now you know it can hugely impact the trust and connection in your marriage?
In our coaching we take men through an intense program to build this muscle of calmness to the point where it is rock solid, where you no longer question yourself and can even laugh at how you used to get upset by what's going on around you.
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