How Do You Trust Someone You Don't Trust?

Published: Sun, 04/07/19

Hey,

Have you ever heard these phrases about TRUST?

"In God We Trust...all other must bring cash."

"I don't trust anyone unless they EARN IT!"

"I trusted you and then you broke my heart!"

When it comes to relationships we must decide if trust is a starting point or an end result.

Is trust something you can give even when you're not sure it's "deserved"?

Brené Brown quotes Charles Feltman, author of "The Thin Book of Trust", who describes trust as “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.” Meanwhile, distrust is deciding that “what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation).”

I believe trust is required for CONNECTION.

Every man we work with wants more connection, but he often thinks, speaks and acts from place of distrust. Distrust comes from fear of outcome and produces unspeakable anxiety and monkey chatter. Distrust causes distance and suspicion - the opposite of what most of us really want.

Is it RISKY to trust? It depends on your perspective.

If you are petrified of someone breaking your trust then you will withhold trust. If you are hell bent to achieve ONE SPECIFIC OUTCOME, then you will withhold trust.

But you will do this to your detriment. Trust requires risk.

Risk looks like approaching each other with an open heart, coming from a value of positive intent, understanding for their personal journey and no attachment to a specific outcome.

Successful long-term relationships often thrive (eventually) because there’s an underlying, non-negotiable commitment to trust. These couples risk their short-term happiness by trusting their shared long-term commitment to loving their way through it.

When Dan Dore was out here in Colorado last week we took a hike and recorded this video for you about trust. In here we also talk about the importance of TRUSTING YOURSELF.

How To Trust Someone You Can't Trust

"A bird sitting in a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because his trust is not on the branch but in his own wings." ~ unknown

I love that quote. It speaks directly to our ability to choose to trust without the assumption of "risk". If you trust yourself to rely on your own "wings", you can GIVE trust without fear.

What are your "wings"?

Your "wings" are you ability to "self-source". This is the mature, self-reliant part of your cognitive and emotional world that just "knows" you are okay and will be okay.

A self-reliant man is able to give his time, attention, energy, love and TRUST to people without the fear of his branch breaking. He considers those gifts a starting point - not a place to get to. And he doesn't believe others must earn their way to receiving what he gives. He's non-negotiable when it comes to being himself and trusting himself...no matter how others respond to him.

In short, he doesn't give a f*ck. While he certainly cares about what others think, feel, fear and dream...he doesn't care how they respond to him, his values or his mission to be who he wants to be.

His "wings" are very strong and he trusts them.

*****

One guy put it like this:

I reclaimed myself! I rebooted my mind to grow and know my worth on my own without seeking approval from others (specifically my wife). Once you know your worth, you’ll be fine no matter what... no one can take that away from you.

I am now more focused, fun, loving, confident, daring and calm… a better version of myself (even my wife said that... despite the fact that I’m clearly doing this for me first). House chores, cooking, doing groceries, RAISING KIDS no longer scare me. I’m actually doing fantastic and I feel like I’m succeeding in everything I set my mind to. I will be okay no matter what happens.

This mountain lion could not thank you enough.

*****

This is done only in the presence and with the support of other men. You must surround yourself with men who "get it" and can teach you the mindset and skills you need for strong wings.

And when you stay connected with these men you continually strengthen those muscles.

One way to do this is to trust yourself to attend a mind blowing men's retreat. It just so happens we've had two guys cancel for the Confident Man Ranch Retreat on May 27-30 in Loveland, Colorado. I would LOVE to meet you there and share a beer by the fire. The pics in that link above pretty much say it all.

Or you can join an AMAZING group of men in the Goodguys2Greatmen Men's Live Coaching Roundtable. Dan Dore and I run this group coaching format twice a month. The most you can lose is $69 and about 2 hours of your life.

Or you can come to my place this summer with a smaller group of men who are exactly like you - working on their wings and creating the life they want.

Whatever you do - do something. Flap those wings, brother.

Lotta love,

Steve

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