Hey Men,
Happy New Year!
The most frequent question I get from clients trying to resuscitate intimacy in their relationship is:
"When is She Going to Want Sex With Me Again?!"
And my answer is always the same.
"I don't know...and neither does she."
The next question is, "Well, I know she doesn't want sex right now, but I don't know if she even WANTS to want sex with me. How can I tell if she even WANTS to want to be intimate again?"
Again. "I don't know...and neither does she."
She may have told you, "I don't know why I don't want to have sex. I don't know when I'll ever want it. And I'm not sure I will ever want it with anyone."
That last line is supposed to help you believe this isn't all about you. I know it doesn't give you much comfort.
Let me give you some comfort.
First, let's be really HONEST:
1. Your desire for sex with her is a smoke screen for your deeper feelings of abandonment, fear of rejection and desire for acceptance (all normal). It's NOT all about the sex, is it?
2. If she was to simply look you in the eye right now - hug you tight - kiss you hard - tell you she loved you - said she is proud that you're her man - and said "Everything is going to be alright. I will want plenty of sex with you again in exactly one year."....your world would suddenly be fine again, wouldn't it?
3. It's not really the lack of sex making you crazy, imagining all sorts of crap and waking up at 4am every morning. It's the utter lack of CERTAINTY in your relationship. You want to know right now how all this is going to work out, don't you?
Second, here's the CERTAINTY you have if you change nothing and remain an "unhappy married man":
1. Everything will stay exactly the same or get worse soon.
2. She will continue to want more distance from you and continue to believe that nothing is fixable.
3. You will feel more and more insecure as she becomes more and more convinced that staying together is a mistake.
Third, here's the CERTAINTY you have if you decide to start thinking, speaking and behaving like a "happily divorced man" (click that link to get the prescription for becoming an HDM):
1. You will stop arguing, whining, blaming and complaining about sex.
2. You will quickly start feeling clearer, bolder, smarter, calmer and more confident.
3. You immediately change the negative, downward spiral of energy in your home and start feeling happier and more secure.
4. You immediately stop talking and acting like an unhappily married man and start projecting a confident picture of who you really are and where you're going.
There's a reason that I talk about a happily divorced man and the traits that make this man so attractive to married (and single) women.
One of the traits of the happily divorced man is that he surrounds himself with people who inspire him, people he loves to be around, people who make him a better man.
So I want to talk a little more about this.
Why does a happily divorced man surround himself with people who inspire him?
It's because sometimes when married men are down in the dumps, feeling like nobody cares about them, when their wife isn't paying them attention and they feel like their life is going nowhere, they start following other people's dreams, they start living in the mindset and the frame of everyone else around them, especially their wife's.
And their wife can't stand it. She can't stand the mopey guy wandering around wondering what's next. Asking questions like: what do you want to do this weekend? What are we going to do tonight for dinner? Where are we going to go on vacation?
Happily divorced men don't talk like that any longer and if you're a married guy or a man in a long term relationship, you can stop doing it too. You can act like a happily divorced man!
You can start by having a better idea of who you want to hang with and who you're not going to hang with.
You can start going to men's groups meetings like the online one we're starting this Thursday (find out more at the end of this email) - one of the things the guys say at the end of these meetings is that they decided they wanted to hang around other people who think like they do.
These are married guys who are turning their relationships around because they've stopped following other people's leads.
In these meet-ups we talk about things that nobody else talks about.
We talk about sex and we talk about feelings and we talk about vulnerability.
We talk about a man's fears - the kind of stuff you'll never talk about in your own kitchen with your own wife. It's kind of sad really but that's the way we are.
And when we decide to do this, when we hang around each other - we're better. We help each other be better.
We'd love to have you with us.
We'd love to have you experience what it's like to live to your own agenda, to be around people who think like you and feel like you.
People who will hold you accountable.
People who will inspire you and make you want to be a better man.
And they want you to do the same for them...
We need you!
So think about it. Think about whether you're ready to shake up your life, shake up the way you're thinking and feeling.
I guarantee you it will change something to move you forward and away from the limbo land you find yourself stuck in.
Find out more about our online men's group here.
And for an example of what you can expect, watch the video below which is an excerpt from one of the sessions we ran last year:
