Why Women Leave Good Men and Break Up Families

Published: Sun, 12/23/18

Hey,

The top four questions men ask upon learning their wife wants to leave are:

What did I do to deserve this?
Why didn't she tell me she was unhappy?
How could she think breaking up the family is a good idea?
Why won't she at least give me a chance to change?

My first answer is always:

It's Not All About You, Brother

It's perfectly normal for you to think her decision to separate or divorce is all about you.

After all, if you believe it's all your fault then you've got a chance to fix it!

This is the most frustrating part because you begin to learn it isn't that easy. You're finding out you don't have a tool for what's broken.

Sometimes a woman is extremely clear-headed, calm, conscious and decisive about her decision to end her marriage. She is making a choice for herself from a kind, loving and compassionate place. Her words and actions are gentle, and considerate and her reasoning is well measured.

Yeah, well, that's extremely rare and I'm guessing that's not your wife. Correct?

I introduce men to the complex web of emotions that permeate most women as they navigate the option to leave their husband and dismantle their family.

The web is made up of crushing anxiety...paralyzing fear...toxic shame...debilitating depression...chronic uncertainty and deep seated insecurity.

That's just for openers.

And your problem is now you're feeling most of those same emotions.

Great. Now we've got TWO people in this state trying to have an adult conversation. And it's never a good one.

You are demanding to know the who, what, why, when and how of everything all at once. You're digging for answers and logical explanations.

You want something clear and rational so you can take appropriate action to stop the bleeding and save the patient. You're good fixer...if you only knew what the f*ck needed fixing!

What to Think Instead

Notice I said what to THINK instead. Why?

Because I want you to stop trying to DO something. This is where most guys go into extreme over-reaction mode. There's is nothing to DO at this moment.

A commercial pilot friend of mine calls it "winding the clock", referring to his training on what to do when faced with a mid-air crisis.

Instead of flipping out and flipping switches they are trained to take a deep breath and just reach out and wind the cockpit clock. (apparently older planes has something you could wind) That action satisfies their instinct to DO something while they get clear-headed, assess the facts and not make matters worse.

You need to breathe. Stop asking questions, forcing arguments, freaking out and otherwise flipping every switch possible. It will only make matters worse...just like on a plane.

You need to get clear-headed and assess the facts.

There are usually a few facts that come to light after the shock wears off. Here are some facts I want you to think about now without doing anything.

You're not dying and you're not going to die
You cannot change any circumstance outside of your control
The harder you push the faster she moves away
She's not evil - she's scared
You're not losing your mind - you're scared
You've made mistakes, but that doesn't mean you're broken
At your core, you're actually a secure, confident and valuable man...you just don't THINK you are right now
You're going to be fine no matter what happens

After you've digested those facts and slowed down your heart rate a little, watch this video for a conversation between Dan Dore and I about how to be more attractive when she is backing away.

How to Attract Her Toward You When She's Backing Away

A Peek Behind the Curtain

I often bring up the scene in the Wizard of Oz when they all think they're going to die at the hands of the loud, belching "all powerful Oz". The scarecrow is sh*tting hay on the floor and what not.

Then Dorothy, holding Toto in her arm, steps over toward the booth and pulls the curtain back. Low and behold it's a little old man acting like a bully with a microphone.

In that instant all fear is gone.

In one second of perspective change, they all know it wasn't what they thought and now their fear is replaced with annoyance and curiosity.

What if you could do that?

What if your current emotions were replaced with a calmer sense of well-being?

What if you were able to get into a frame of thinking that allowed you to feel stronger and perhaps only slightly annoyed and curious?

I see this all the time with men in your shoes. It's doesn't happen after reading just one email from me (well, for a few it actually does).

It can happen for you when you see what's REALLY happening behind the curtain. It happens when you become curious and empathetic with her crushing anxiety instead of trying to condemn it or fix it.

It happens when you realize most of her emotions are coming from thoughts even she doesn't understand.

When you understand that you're not dying and you're not going to die you feel a little more courageous and can stand strong in the facts of the matter.

Behind the curtain is a switch labeled "I'm okay".

When you flip it your thinking will slow down and you'll wind the clock. You'll realize your best action now is no action.

In this moment she is the storm and you are the lighthouse.

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Of course this might sound nearly impossible to you right now.

I've learned that it IS impossible without other high quality men in your life to believe you perhaps more than you believe in yourself at the moment.

I want to invite you to join some incredibly amazing men who have walked in your shoes - or are walking in them now.

The 2019 Men's Live Coaching Roundtable starting on January 10th is the perfect place for you to get the support, insight, encouragement and coaching you need to pull the curtain back and find the "I'm Okay" switch.

Members of this tribe include me, my colleague Coach Dan Dore and 5 of my coach apprentices who are there to help you find your feet again.

The membership is a monthly cost of $69 which you can cancel anytime you want.

If you're a full-time member of this Roundtable, you will get:

Membership into a private tribe of brothers who care about you
Access to live coaching and Q&A with my colleague, Dan Dore and I
A password to a private web page with all the session recordings, reading resources, personal challenge assignments and a running list of frequently asked questions with our written answers.
Membership into an exclusive and secret Facebook community with just Roundtable members. More support is provided here.
Exclusive access to my apprentice team of coaches who are available to talk with you privately when you need it.

Click THIS LINK and scroll to the bottom and sign up.

Lotta love and happy holidays, brother,

Steve

P.S. This is a MEN ONLY Roundtable for the purpose of providing a safe, private place for men to help each other. Sorry ladies. We will be requiring members to reveal their face or voice during the Zoom video calls.

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