Hey,
I want to talk with you about that shoulder slumping, tail dragging, nauseated feeling we get when a woman expresses her disappointment in us.
It's that defensive, gripping knot in our gut when we feel rejected just for being who we are.
Has that ever happened to you?
It happened to me yesterday for a split second. The better I get at seeing my trigger, the quicker I am to grin, breathe and return to my
"mountain lion lair". But it still takes constant awareness on my part before it can be an "unconscious" thing.
What happened?
Remember my
last email where I was talking about my upcoming men's retreat? The part where I said "I had to grow some balls to kick my lady off the ranch for 24 hours while you're here."?
Of course, the context in which I said that was joking AND pointing out how great she is. But it REALLY rubbed a woman reader wrong (say that 5x fast!) and she proceeded to "reject" me, scold me and (heaven forbid) unsubscribe
from my newsletter.
Read her words and see if you feel anything in the first few seconds. (for the ladies reading, please play along and pretend it happened in reverse)
I am a woman who has been reading your posts to learn more about men. I have enjoyed them. However when you used the language "I had to kick my lady friend off the ranch so I could have my retreat", I knew that you didn't really respect women. To use the word "kick" in regard to women is offensive in a world where women are routinely
beaten, raped, murdered, and yes, kicked by men. I know you didn't mean it that way but a man needs to be conscious of his words and language if he wants me to listen to him. I wish you all the best.
What did you feel?
Our first reaction is normally, "Oh crap, boy did I screw up" or "Jeez, what an over-reacting nut job" or the worst one, "Crazy bitch".
The lesson here is that you must know something in your core. You must know this so you can breathe and respond - not react.
Everyone has triggers for their own reasons. Those
triggers are not about you and not a reflection of your goodness or worthiness. They are simply the other person's truth.
When you know this to be a fact and you don't take the disappointment or rejection personally you can finally lean in to her feelings and EMPATHIZE.
Empathy doesn't mean you've experienced what she is experiencing. It means you have felt the emotion she is feeling. And then you can see more clearly why this is about her, not you. And you can stay present and support her.
When you can support a woman by seeing her and accepting her truth as valid for her - without judging it and taking it personally - everything will change in your relationship. (and life)
That rule is completely reversible for women.
So, after I allowed my hackles to subside, I sent an honest and heartfelt response to the woman.
Hi,
Thanks for your honest feedback. I respect your boundaries and your decision. It's a good example of what I teach men as well.
This is also a great example of being "rejected by a
woman" where I have two choices.
I can take it personally and blame you for being an over-reacting woman.
Or, I can remember all the times in my life where I have felt
that same emotion.
I've never been abused or kicked by a man while living in the skin of a woman. But I can empathize with the horrible feeling of fear and powerlessness. I'm glad you took the action that aligns with your values.
Thanks so much for the time we've had. Your email was a gift.
Take care,
Steve
An older version of me would have opted for a pathetic apology or a sarcastic, defensive retort trying to inflict similar feelings of disappointment and rejection. The childish game of tit-for-tat.
If we want to experience massive change in our life and relationships, we have to own the process of upgrading our own operating system.
My article this week is also about men who feel the disappointment and
rejection of a woman who is trying to "help" him be a better man. It's about being given constant tips, reminders, critiques and random articles to make you conform to a standard she has in mind.
You'll see in this article why I think it's important for a man to create HIS OWN
STANDARD.
And I give 5 tips to wives who feel it's their job to fix rather than to simply love.
Join the comments on this article. You'll see some good conversations AND a good example of another woman who was triggered by the article.
I shot the video below to share more about how to THINK about female rejection.
