Hey,
Have you ever had this painful conversation?
During my now defunct 28 year marriage I had many agonizing conversations about sex with my wife - over, and over, and over again.
It was like the movie Groundhog Day where I was given a "do over" every day to see if could finally get it right.
I never really did because I really had no clue about the simple rule.
The Saturday morning conversation sounded like this:
Me: Why don't we stay in bed a little longer? (rubbing her thigh erotically just like ALL women love ;^))
Her: We've got so much to do this morning to get ready for tonight’s party. (moving her thigh away from my
hand)
Me: Yeah, we've got time to get all that done. (Attempt to kiss her neck)
Her: You always think that but we're always stressed getting ready for people to come over. (Defensive maneuver by making a bed blanket burrito around her body)
Me:
C'mon. I'll make sure we get the important things done. Don't get stressed out. (Moving in for a hug)
Her: I'm not stressed, but you telling me I am is getting me stressed. What's important to me isn't important to you. (Starting to
get out of bed)
Me: C'mon, babe. It's been two weeks and I just want to connect with you. Is that so wrong? (Getting desperate that I'm losing the sale)
Her: I slept like crap and I've got a headache. I need to get some aspirin. (Headed for the bathroom)
Me: Damn, it's like you've got zero desire for me! What's your problem?!
(Loudly and losing all control)
Her: Why do you always have to talk about it?! (Bathroom door slams)
Me:
How come you NEVER want to talk about it? (Angry, defeated and off to make coffee.)
The Process of Giving Up
Even though I KNEW there were married men who actually had satisfying sex lives, I assumed they were" one percenters".
Outliers...freaks, they were.
It didn't help that one of my best friends was one of them. He would often give me the "cat who ate the canary" grin
to let me know what a hot night he had. He was a guy with the very rare, nearly extinct woman - the wife who actually wanted and enjoyed sex.
I was so jealous. I wanted to be a "one percenter".
I eventually conditioned myself to believe that this was the way it is for most guys and the way it would always be. This became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The more I believed that
a sexless marriage was normal, the more I created that reality. The more defeated, sarcastic, and resentful I got the more sexually unappealing I became.
I bought into the myth of this is just the way it is. “Dang”, I said to myself.
I’ve got so many more years left of healthy libido and working plumbing. “This is going to suck.” I thought.
I was right. It did.
The Simple Rule Learned a Little Too Late
This may be a little hard to swallow for a lot of men. It has been for me.
Why?
Because although the rule is simple, playing by it requires us to do something different. We must think. We must grow. We must understand and respect the rule.
The Rule
Your wife can make herself have sex with you, but
she cannot make herself WANT to have sex with you.
I’ll let that sink in for a second. (Drumming fingers on my keyboard)
Now for the kick in the nuts. Unless there are serious mental, emotional,
or physical limitations…she WANTS to WANT to have sex with you.
I’m not the first person who has written those words. It’s been said many times and many ways.
Still, the truth and wisdom in what the rule means to most guys is elusive.
Sex has never been a guaranteed fringe benefit of marriage. And men who enter marriage believing so have historically had horrendously unsatisfying sex
lives.
If a man’s brain oozes one molecule of the “My wife owes me sex” virus, her alarms will sound and every ounce of her feminine sensuality turns off like lights in an office building at night.
The truth is that when it comes to married sex, your wife reacts to you and your sex appeal…not your sex drive.
But being sexually APPEALING will normally result in her being sexually
attracted.
How do I become more sexually appealing, you ask?
There are two steps:
- Consciously and intentionally stop doing the half dozen things you’re doing that make her want to avoid you sexually. Do you know yet what those are?
- Consciously and intentionally start working on your attitude toward her and about your desire for sex. Do you desire HER or
do you simply desire sex? Big difference.
These two steps are an important part of my coaching program. I will help you understand exactly what to STOP and what to START.
This can’t be given to you in a simple step-by-step E-Course. Your situation is unique and needs a very
personalized evaluation and approach. That’s why continuing to read books and articles will not make any significant change in your relationship.
A man needs support. He needs an empathetic ear. He needs encouragement.
He needs a process. He needs to follow through.
Then he needs accountability.
The result?
You become a committed,
focused man. You stop looking outside yourself for answers.
You stop surfing self-help-cyber-space to avoid taking any real action and making any real changes.
You feel empowered to start thinking, speaking and acting differently. You do it because it’s who you want to
be. You make no apologies whatsoever for that!
And then you watch things start changing around you.
And then you say, “So THIS is what Steve has been blabbing on
about!”
It feels kind of like the email I received a couple of days ago from “Nate”. He lives in Europe. His email was titled, “So…this is how it’s SUPPOSED to feel?”
‘I have this feeling of ease. It is something new, something different and
something I feel responsible for creating. She is also opening up to my masculine energy and not resisting me. My ease and her openness together just makes it, as I said, so...f*&%ing...easy.....”
The feeling of “ease” comes with the peace of mind and confidence that you finally know what you’re
doing. It’s a good thing. I guarantee it.
Lots of love and respect, brother,
Steve
P.S. I answer email constantly and promptly. Hit reply if you want to have a real and powerful conversation (phone or email) about what you want and how you’re going to get it. No strings – just talk.
