Hey,
This is a real life conversation. It may include details from 15 different guys. But it’s all true.
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Jake: Steve, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of losing her and losing my family.
Steve: I know you’re afraid. How afraid are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Jake: I’m at about 11 right now.
Steve: This isn’t easy. I’m sorry you’re feeling that. What is it you REALLY
want from her?
Jake: I want things to be like they used to be. I want her to laugh again. Smile again. Like me again. And touch me again. I know I’m not perfect, but I’ve always loved her and have always tried to show her that. But right now, it’s like I don’t know her anymore.
Steve: What is she doing and saying exactly?
Jake: She wants nothing to do with me. We hardly ever talk unless it’s about the kids. She’s just angry all the time and sleeps in the kids’ room now. I’ve asked her why she is doing this and what I can do to help. She says to just leave her alone.
Steve: What have you tried so far?
Jake: I’ve tried to give her space. I’ve tried to get her to talk to someone. Recently I’ve been getting mad at her and just pressuring her to tell me what’s wrong. Then she screams at me and calls me horrible names. We can’t fix
anything if she won’t talk about the problem, right?
Steve: Eventually she will need to talk. Maybe not right now. What have you told her YOU want?
Jake: I’ve just told her I want my wife back and to talk to me about what’s wrong.
Steve: What else do you want?
Jake: Well, I want to feel like we respect each other again. I want us to see what’s good in each other instead of everything that’s bad. I want us to support each other like we used
to. I want to feel like the team we were when we seemed to have the same goals. I want to be in a loving, respectful, trusting and intimate relationship!
Steve: Does it feel like you will never have that again for the rest of your life?
Jake: Yeah, pretty much.
Steve: But is that really true? Is this all there will ever be for you for the next 40 years?
Jake: Hell no. There’s no way I’m going to put up with this for 40 more
years!
Steve: What if you were to tell her all those things you want and that you would really like for her to join you? What if you were to tell her that you are working hard on being a better man and husband and are willing to fight for a better marriage? What if you tell her you expect her to fight too and that you won’t spend another 40 years like this?
Jake: I’m sure she would pack up and leave.
Steve: So, you’re afraid of her hearing what you most want in this world and getting so pissed off that it puts her over the edge and she leaves you?
Jake: Yep, pretty much.
Steve: Why does that scare you?
Jake: Because it will mean I failed. I failed her. I failed my marriage. I failed my kids. And I failed myself. Isn’t it my job to keep this family
together?
Steve: That’s a pretty tall order, don’t you think? Do you think you have total control over that?
Jake: No, I don’t. Obviously. She has to step up too and work with me if she wants to keep the family together.
Steve: What CAN you control here?
Jake: I can control me. I can control how I treat her and how I take care of her and the kids. I can control how I respond to arguments and her attacks on me. I can control my health and maybe a lot of my negative feelings and moods. I could do
things I enjoy doing.
Steve: That’s a lot of control. What if you were to do all that and be very consistent? What if you did all that because YOU want to change? What if you did all that with confidence and without any expectations from her? What if you did that in ways that let her feel your love for her?
Jake: I’d feel a lot better about getting out of bed each day. I’d feel a lot better about myself. I wouldn’t feel like a failure anymore. But what if it doesn’t change anything with her?
Steve: What if it doesn’t?
Jake: Then she would probably pack up and leave.
Steve: And then what.
Jake: That would really suck. But I guess I would be alright. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. I would hate having to “visit” my kids. But I’d
rather them see a happy dad 50% of the time instead of miserable dad 100% of the time. I might even meet someone who really wants what I want. That would be pretty wonderful.
Steve: How scared are you right this moment?
Jake: About a FIVE.
Steve: Better?
Jake: Better.
Steve: Want to keep working on this?
Jake: Yeah. I
do.
This conversation is just the
beginning of a journey for men like Jake. How do I know? I was Jake at one
time.
And I found the right men to help show me the way.
Do you have anything at all in common with Jake?
Would you like to cut your fear and anxiety by about 50 percent by this time next week?
It won’t happen for you in couples counseling and it won’t happen alone.
I’d be honored to listen to your story and have a conversation like this one as soon as you’re ready.
Asking for help is a manly act of courage and a show of strength.
It’s like when you pull over and ask for directions when you’re lost at night in a strange city.
Maybe that was a bad example.
Tons of love to ya, brother,
Steve
