Hey,
Have you ever been asked that question?
Men tell me they hear this frequently during a heated discussions or (yet another) session of “here’s what’s wrong with you”.
The “discussion” is getting emotionally charged and has
a momentum that tells you it may not end well. She is spiraling up her frustration and disappointment and her words feel like machine gun fire. In the middle of a sentence, she’ll ask you a specific question - not even wait for an answer – and quickly change subjects on the fly.
It feels like a war zone of questions and accusations and you’re thinking about running for cover. She is acting like an adversary – but you know she’s not. The good guy in you wants to stay in the ring with her and show her you’re man enough to stand there and take it. So you do.
The problem is that blank stare. You’ve got nothing. And it ticks her off even more.
I Don’t Know How to Respond
This is the BIGGEST problem most men are facing.
“How do I respond to her when it feels like I’m totally out matched?”
“What do I say when I know she will immediately rip anything I say apart?”
“She is so quick with comebacks and remembering past details, I have a hard time making my
case.”
It’s important to note that sometimes she is making a perfectly reasonable assessment of a guy who needs to step up in the responsibility, dependability, and accountability department. We can fix that. Her
complaints may be “balls on accurate”, but a lot of the time they are not.
Sometimes she is just venting, ranting, emoting and sharing. Sometimes she is looking for someone to blame for her feelings of uncertainty or loss of connection.
And sometimes she has serious issues with insecurity, anxiety, and panic attacks resulting in some of the most vulgar and abusive language a man will ever hear. Some of it is so bad that men are literally too ashamed and embarrassed to tell me the words she actually used. (Don’t worry, I’ve
heard them all)
Knowing how to effectively respond with calm, cool confidence means understanding the source of her anger. You can learn how to come up with a statement (not a snappy comeback) which reflects your values and expectations for how you treat each other. Or, you can comfortably lean in to her
frustrations, just listen and be present for her. When you do this right you can actually feel GOOD about yourself. I don’t mean feeling self-righteous – I mean feeling good about who you are BEING.
There is a huge difference
between forcing yourself to “stand there and take it” and choosing to “stand there and understand it”. When she feels that you are standing there WITH her and not in spite of her – things change. You must be prepared for this change and be ready again with the right response.
Where Do I Find the Confidence?
Usually by the 3rd or 4th call with guys we start covering confidence pretty
deeply.
One of the books I have you read describes confidence as “the feeling that no matter what happens you know you’ve got what you need to deal with it”.
That works for me. And it describes well the feeling that men start to get at this stage of coaching.
Confidence can’t be faked. It comes from acquiring new tools - new knowledge and skills you may think are reserved for “naturally confident” men. There’s no such thing as a naturally confident man.
Confident men
battle each day to earn and maintain it. It’s a process just like any sport, any game and any job. That’s why I’m confident that I can teach it to you and you will learn it. You’ve already been through similar processes and you can do it again if you want to.
Confidence will come to anyone who makes the choice to learn something new and face their fears head on. If you approach this with an attitude of perseverance and consistency, suddenly other people are looking at you like you’re a naturally confident man.
Will your wife be the first one to notice? Yes. She will see your efforts instantly.
Will she be the first one to celebrate it?
No. She will be the first one to test it.
But, hey, that’s a topic for another email and usually consumes coaching calls 8 through 12.
It’s a blast. I promise.
Send me an email to set up a strategy call or to
just ask me a specific question you’re facing right this moment. I respond to all emails promptly. I’m here to help you get the confidence you need to move things forward and to quit stepping on all those eggshells around your house.
Lots of love to you, brother,
Steve
