But inside his home his wife could make
him dance like a puppet. And when she did she would call him "pathetic".
That's when George reached out. (I told this story at the meeting - George wasn't there)
George told me how for years he kept "stepping up" to please her. All he wanted was to be appreciated and to be close and intimate with her. Every time he tried to get close, she would deftly avoid his pursuit. It was making him crazy. So he kept trying harder.
By the time George wrote me he said, "I work about 70 hrs. a week and she has a 15 hr. per week part-time job at a salon. I do about 90% of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, home maintenance, grocery shopping and getting kids ready for school."
He went on to say that all he wants from her is a good-bye kiss in the morning. She plays a game of
deciding if or when she might kiss him and usually turns her head at the last minute denying him a "lip kiss" unless he deserves it or complains loudly enough.
George says, "She's got tons of time for Facebook and The Bachelor show, but ignores me. I even tried lighting candles for her bath the other night and
put those fake rose petals around the tub. After I got the bath going, she jumped in, hiding her body from me and said, "Really, you need to stop trying so hard." All he wanted was a thank-you.
George believes is still quite the catch and even other neighborhood women tell him so all the time.
He thinks he could have any woman he wants. But he only wants his wife.
At our meeting we talked about this syndrome a lot of "good guys" develop over time. They need attention, appreciation, respect, and intimacy so badly that they will nearly sell their soul.
All of us can empathize with George, but we talked about how he can change the whole dynamic of his marriage. We shook our heads at his inability to see what is going wrong and why he has been creating his own hell for years.
Does George's wife share the blame for what's going on? Hell yes. She's being horribly manipulative and disrespectful. She's not taking any responsibility for pulling her weight around the house. And she constantly chooses to point out things he is doing wrong instead of appreciating how hard he is working.
Why does she do this? Two reasons:
1. George has a hidden agenda for almost everything he does. He is giving in order to get something from her. To her, his attempts to
get sex feel like a 5 yr. old begging for candy. George is insecure and lacks confidence and courage to change his approach.
2. George's wife is emotionally immature, has long standing trust issues with men, she is insecure and she has never witnessed a woman in a loving, respectful marriage with a
man.
Which one can George do something about starting tomorrow?
What are some reasons George won't
change?
What fears might George have about changing his perspective and choosing to build his confidence and courage to reverse the downward spiral?
If George changes, will SHE change? Who knows.
Maybe. Maybe not.
George must learn to not care about her choices.
In fact, it is the "caring too much" about her reactions
and her choices that is keeping him in his continuing downward spiral.
If you can relate to George, you're not alone. There IS a solution.
I'll never say it's easy. But, it is so worth it. Are you ready?
Or, contact me and start the conversation. Hit reply to this email and send one paragraph describing what you MOST WANT from your life and relationship. I'm all
ears. I will respond within 24 hours.
I'm guessing you've got about 40 more good years on this planet. Don't waste them being someone you never wanted to be.
You've got
this.
Lots of love to you, brother,
Steve
