I just had to send another email out to answer this fascinating (and popular) question I got today.
Here’s the email I got today.
Hey Coach,
This was a great article. (Sushi or Italian)
Part of (ex-wife’s name) issues with me was that, in her words 'You run all over me.' ...meaning she didn't like it when I actually made a
decision. In the case of a woman who believes, mostly incorrectly mind you, but nonetheless, believes that her man is controlling her or running all over her by making decisions, how do you handle that?
So many 'strong independent' women would also see it this way. I am certain that there are deeper issues that make her see things this way, but it needs to be considered.
What do you think?
Let me get this first point out of the way - some guys DO run all over their wife. They don’t ask her opinion. They
don’t ask for help. And some of us (as I raise my hand) can become a condescending ass in the face of feminine indecision and wishy-washyness.
These guys need to do some work, lighten up, and learn how to help her feel
included, important, and respected. It’s important for us to empathize and understand a woman's needs and learn how SHE likes us to meet them.
However, here’s the other side. And it might sound
harsh.
Some women never know when to stop testing their men. They don’t know how to give up the joystick they have used for years to make him do what she wants. They don’t want to lose control.
They've learned to manipulate and they are addicted to the control that brings.
You’ll hear these wives say things like he “needs to step up” or “man up” or “make things happen” or “grow a pair”. The latest one I’ve heard is,
“You know, just being a nice guy doesn’t make you a good husband.” Ouch.
So, when he begins his transformation (which is 100% for him), she gets nervous. She sees the new energy as a threat to the current world order.
Even if she doesn’t like the current situation CHANGE is even scarier.
What she may mean by “You run all over me.” is “These changes are scaring the hell out of me and I don’t like feeling this way.” But this message might
come across as irritation or anger. Don't be fooled.
What does a guy do when he knows he’s not being an ass and she still accuses him of being one?
I would suggest he do something like this:
1. Do NOT react defensively to her
comment.
2. Wait for a peaceful, private, calm moment where the mood is light.
3. Tell her, “Sweetie, the other day you mentioned you feel like I run over you when I make decisions. I want you to count on me to get things
done, but I never want you to feel that way. This is a partnership. How can I help you feel more included?
If she gives you answer, thank her, and do your very best to do what she asked. She may not even answer and
say, “Oh, that. I was just venting. Never mind.” (This happens a lot)
Either way - don’t stop making decisions. Don’t stop being a man with a plan. Don’t stop asking for her input. Don’t stop showing respect
for her. Don’t stop loving her.
For many wives, that guy is almost too good to be true. You can’t blame her for testing it every now and then!
Steve
P.S. Some readers have
told me they wouldn’t mind more frequent emails like this. (Helpful ones) I’m taking an informal survey. How about you? Please hit reply if you would like to cast a vote for more helpful emails from me.
