The ONE POINT I want to get across here is
this.
How you choose to respond to the “I need space” plea will determine whether you create long term feelings of attraction or feelings of detachment.
Your response may determine whether or not you’re still together a year from
now.
A woman can make herself stay with you, but she cannot make herself WANT to stay with you.
And the loving, intimate relationship YOU want (you do, right?) will only happen with a woman who WANTS to stay with you.
You have the
ability to draw her closer or drive her further away. For now, I’ll assume you still want her in your life.
What’s it Really Mean?
First, what does a woman really mean when she says, “I need some space”? In most cases, it REALLY means she
wants some space. Yeah, that simple.
I know, sometimes it means “I think I want you out of my life”, but not usually. Even if it DOES mean that, don’t tell me you haven’t felt the same thing at least once in your relationship. It’s not a necessarily a permanent feeling. (Note: If you hear “I need space” after only two months together, it probably means she wants
you out of her life.)
In most long-term relationships, living together or not, “I need space” is a warning shot. Often it means, “I’m feeling suffocated, cramped, smothered, cornered, too needed, too dependent, bored, anxious, scared, sad, unappreciated and/or insignificant.”
Sometimes, a
man has been behaving in ways that help create those feelings. And sometimes those feelings come from much darker places over which he has neither control nor responsibility.
Either way, his response doesn’t change much.
Five Ways to Make Things Even
Worse
These are the things that are sure to create an even bigger distance between you and will convince her that she may need something more than just space.
Overreact: Yell, scream, cry, threaten and make her feel
like a dysfunctional wreck for feeling like she needs space.
Become Needy: Tell her you want to be near her and don’t want to be without her. Be jealous and suspicious and accuse her of wanting someone else. Cling tightly and refuse her even an inch of breathing
room.
Have Nothing Better to Do: Act like she is the only thing important in your life and without her you have nothing. Have no interest in your own friends, hobbies, or personal time. This will serve only to increase the pressure on her to move in another
direction.
Think Your Worst Thoughts: Allow your mind to imagine her leaving you, being with another man, or never liking you again. These thoughts will create negative emotions every waking second and will show on your face like a neon bar sign.
Ask Questions: What did I do wrong? How can I fix this? What does this mean? Why are you doing this to us? Just tell me how I need to be for you! Really. Don’t do this as it will further solidify her desire to find some distance from you.
Here’s How to Make Things Better – For Both of You
First, think the right thoughts so you can respond with compassion and not react with defensiveness.
What are the right
thoughts?
“Hmmm…she’s asking for space. That must mean she wants a little room away from me and whatever I’m bringing to the party. That’s cool. I love this woman. And I don’t need her full time attention to be happy. I can’t MAKE her want to be around me. Besides, I’ve been neglecting stuff I want to do also. Getting some space is probably healthy for
us. I can support whatever she feels like she needs to do.”
Tell Her Your Good Thoughts: Actually say out loud how you see this and why it’s probably a healthy thing for you both. Show her you know that it’s not all about you
Tell Her You’ve Got Her Back: Let her know this is no big deal and you will support her getting the space she needs. Don’t assume she’s going to check out of the relationship. Let her know she can count on you. Open your heart and your ears for her – without judgment.
Run Your Life and Own Your Happiness: Dig in and remember what’s make you tick. Get clear on your own passions and dreams for the future. Start taking steps to make those happen. Get involved with friends who light you up and inspire you. Don’t have any? Start looking for some.
Stop Doing Crap That Drag’s You Down: Set higher expectations for your productivity and impact on life. Get away from the TV, games, and people who complain. Eliminate sources of negativity and laziness. Read a book about procrastination – tomorrow, not the next day.
See
the Bigger Picture: Realize that you have zero control over her long term choice. Don’t focus on any particular outcome you have to have in your relationship. You can still openly love her and want her. You just don’t NEED her and will really be fine no matter what happens.
Easier Said Than Done?
I never say things will be easy. But I DO say they will be worth it.
Transforming yourself and your mindset to respond without fear is the best thing you can do for YOU. It is also the only thing you can do that may make a difference in her future choices. But no matter what happens, you will be in a
better place.
How you respond to the “I need space” woman will either create feelings of safety and attraction or feelings of pressure and detachment. You get to choose which ones you intend to create.
This is a skill you will want to master for the rest of your life – with her or anyone
else.
This is one of the many skills I will help you develop as a permanent part of your character. It is an important part of the process of building the kind of confidence that makes YOU attracted to
YOU. Not arrogance. Just quiet, comfortable, calm...confidence.
That’s the type of confidence which will create attraction in any relationship.
Do you want that?
Then hit reply and tell
me your dreams, your passions, and your concerns.
Find out if you want to do the work to get there. I guarantee you that it’s worth it.
Lots of love to you,
Steve
