Not every relationship can be saved. Not every relationship should be
saved.
An unhealthy, destructive relationship will never improve unless both partners are willing to grow and accept ownership for creating a more loving, respectful, and intimate connection.
This wasn’t in the cards for Willie. (His real name which he gave me permission to
use)
Willie and I just finished 2 months of working together and his life has changed dramatically. The parts in italics are his words
he sent to me on Thanksgiving Day.
A Short Story
Over a year ago Willie called me in frustration and desperation about his crumbling long term relationship with a woman he loved (still loves) dearly. We talked once in a strategy session and another time in a paid session.
He was determined to take all of his love, commitment, and knowledge to repair an emotionally abusive relationship. He continued to read everything I could send him and tried hard to understand and meet her needs. He gave it everything he could but she refused to change her damaging behavior or even seek counseling. I won’t go into the details, but Willie was putting up with more than I’ve seen any man endure.
I didn’t hear back from him for a year and wondered how he was doing. When he called me two months ago it was to tell me he left the relationship. But he was lost. He said he was ready to do the work he needed to move on and thrive. He was unemployed on the day he called.
“I struggled for years
not knowing how it felt and what it meant to be a man. I didn't know where to look, who to talk to, or what to do. ”
I’ve never seen a man so consumed with hunger for change. That may explain how Willie got on the fast track to an incredible transformation. He devoured every assignment and engaged with me in email between calls. He was
possessed with the desire to improve his self-awareness, his confidence, and his future.
“Steve got me clear on what a man is and how a man lives and loves and taught me the true meaning of confidence. He got me to look at and live my purpose in life and showed me how to celebrate my manhood in the presence of anybody and everybody.”
From a place of love and compassion he wrote the most amazing letter of empathy for the woman he left behind. With that letter he let go of his anger and resentment as well, which is what allowed him to keep moving forward.
“The process was highly emotional. A lot of crying. A lot of
regrets. But once that was over I felt the most hope I have ever felt in my life.”
Willie worked hard to realize that he had been under-valuing himself, his beliefs, and his dreams in order to win the love and acceptance of a person who didn’t deserve him. As much as he loved her, he became very clear that the good he wanted from life would never come until he let go of
the bad.
We took a trip together – we were leaving the “island of pain” behind. (He had another name for it) Willie had a whole new “island” in mind that included inspiring people, strong values, intimate friendships, shared respect, and passion. I was the navigator and Willie, the captain.
“Steve helped me to specifically define and live by my values - the things I choose to live by that I won't compromise for even the woman I love. He taught me the importance of my masculinity and how to share it in great ways with everybody in my life.”
Halfway through our work together an amazing, too-good-to-be-true woman tried to come
into his life. But Willie told her that he wasn’t ready. He had work to do. It wasn’t time for him to start something new while he was healing and learning from his last relationship. She respected that and left him alone - for a while anyway.
“I needed a push in the right direction and the right knowledge, skills, and tools. I learned to be a better father
to myself. I learned to do things for me and live and love in the ways I wanted to without fear. I've met an incredibly loving and caring woman because I believed I could.”
Willie “fired” me last week and I couldn’t be happier about that. I know my job is done when clients feel strong and clear enough to navigate their own boat. He has made uncommonly rapid
progress mostly due to his absolute dedication to the process and his unwavering self-respect and self-expectations.
Don’t think this is a normal case study. But it is inspiring. I cautioned Willie to go slow. Breathe. Don’t get too full of yourself because there will always be setbacks right around the corner.
But he knows something now. Willie knows that whatever comes up, he will be able to face it calmly, figure it out, and thrive. That is what true confidence is.
I suppose it is that confidence that has allowed Willie to reconnect with Ms. Too-good-to-be-true and land a brand new job doing exactly what he
loves to do.
“I felt that I was actually becoming the man I was meant to become and Steve guided me through all of the roller coasters and ups and
downs with a clear vision and goal of where I wanted to be when I was done. I am indebted to him for life and will always love him for the tools he has given me.”
I love you too, Willie. Thanks for your gift of gratitude. Sail on my friend!
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This story all started with one phone call to just talk about the pain, the fear, and the dreams that might not come true. What is your story? I can tell you that it not as bad as you think. You have many options in front of you. The only missing ingredient is action.
So call or email me today to share and to get the ball rolling.
Steve
