Well Hello Again!

Before you read the main article here, I want to apologize again for my screwed up attempt to make you aware of that free book, "Open Her".  I knew the offer was expiring soon, but thought the window was still open.  Honest mistake and I appreciate your forgiveness...except for one.

I'm not revealing the email I received to throw anyone under the bus.  This is from just one brother out there battling what every one of is battling - our own "stinkin' thinkin".

"How disappointing it is to see you and your affiliates pull a ploy like that. And to think I considered hiring you as a coach."

The fact he knows what an "affiliate" is means he might be spending too much time on the computer.  It's a relationship with another business where one person makes money when they recommend that people buy stuff from the other business.

It happens every second of every day online and I totally get the brother's attitude.

I have no affiliate relationships.  I've tried them.  But never made a penny.

I simply wanted to get some free stuff into your hands that I thought would be helpful - and I screwed up.  So, he's wrong.  Dead wrong.

The question is, how should a man behave when he is wrong?   It's a huge test of our character.  And how much time should a man spend looking for misdeeds and evil motivations in others?  How might this affect ALL of his relationships?

I told him the truth and he has already unsubscribed.  What do you think he should have done?

I have no animosity.  I still love him like I love you, man.  Let's use this to help each other grow and be done with the dang distrustful finger pointing.

On to the REAL reason for this newsletter!

 

How Can You Tame Her "Little Diva" When She Shows Up???

Do any of the women in your life show up some days with an alter ego?  Is she sometimes uncharacteristically distant, argumentative, sensitive, or critical?  Just not "herself"?

It's probably her "Little Diva" coming out to play.

I'm not talking about normal mood swings, changing energy levels, or mature and healthy debates.

I'm talking about those times when you experience some of the most hurtful and destructive words or behaviors that leave you feeling like big steaming pile of horse crap.

Last week I wrote about that "Little Prick" inside each of us men who shows his face at the worst times.  Our "Little Prick" is a rebel with childish and destructive relationship skills.  His constant self-doubt and wondering if he's good enough usually shows up as inappropriate angry outbursts or, even worse, absolute silence.

He is the by-product of unresolved shame we experience throughout our young lives.  He embodies our fear of appearing weak and uncertain to the outside world - especially the women in our lives.  He is the one who urges us to hold back our emotions and only show strength - NEVER revealing what really hides behind our curtain.

The "Little Diva" living inside that beautiful woman in your life has had a very similar past.  She has her own brand of shame and for different reasons through different experiences.

She is dying to be seen, heard, and understood as the naturally joyous, loving, giving person that lives in her core - behind a few layers of callouses they have formed over her heart.

So.  What in the world can YOU do about that?

 

What is Shame and Why Should You Care?

Dr. Brene Brown is an author and speaker who makes a clear and important distinction between feelings of GUILT and feelings of SHAME.  (No, she's not an affiliate!)  I do think she's a sexy, smart, rock star, though.

Guilt is an intense feeling of regret that you MADE a mistake.

Shame is an intense feeling of regret that you ARE a mistake.

It is shame that drives the motivations and the energy behind both the Little Prick and the Little Diva.

The intense feelings of "I'm not enough" bring out some horrible thoughts, words, and behaviors.

To her Little Diva these feelings may sound like:

• I'm not skinny enough
• I'm not pretty enough
• I'm not smart enough
• I'm not loveable enough
• I'm not worthy enough

And little does she know that the Little Prick is screaming:

• I'm not strong enough
• I'm not man enough
• I'm not good enough
• I'm not rich enough
• I'm not tough enough

With all this noise, how do we survive each day, run businesses, households, raise kids, and maintain a loving and passionate relationship?

We bury these feelings deep in order to function until we can't hold them back anymore.  And we tend to turn them loose in the most familiar, comfortable places - our own homes and personal relationships.

It's funny that I've never managed a melt-down in front of a boss, but have been totally capable of unleashing my Little Prick on people I love.

I've come to learn that there is a way to help each other when this happens.

 

Taming the Little Diva

Taming both the Little Diva and the Little Prick means learning how to TAME THE SHAME.

In her wildly popular TED talk about shame, Brene Brown says something of enormous importance to us.

Shame cannot survive EMPATHY.

You have the ability to truly see, hear, and understand her in her truth.

 

That is the truly happy, loving, generous, sensual woman she was born to be.

Empathy is your ability to WANT to and CHOOSE to place another pair of glasses on your face which magically illuminate this truth.  These glasses allow you to see the Little Diva inside wearing her down.

This is NOT a condescending view!  This is one of the most respectful, loving, understanding, and ACCEPTING energies a man can muster.  It comes from a place of love and compassion.

In another word, it is EMPATHY.

You're fully aware of YOUR Little Prick and can now know what it is like to walk in your woman's shoes when the Little Diva is on a rant.  You can FEEL her frustration with the Little Diva chatter.  You can sense what she needs most from you at this very moment.

You know what?  It's not that complicated.

But, it's probably something you've never done before.

 

How Does Empathy Feel?

Imagine for a moment a really bad day.

You slept through the alarm and then got a speeding ticket on the way to work.  Your boss got mad because you were late to a meeting.  Everyone at work seemed crabby and you had to deal with customer complaints all day.

You drive home in rush hour traffic and just as you pull in the driveway, steam pours out from under the hood from the radiator hose you duct taped over the weekend.  Your wife is just getting home and parks right next to you.  She waves at you through the windows.

As you both climb out of your cares, she notices the hissing steam.  She sees the droop in your shoulders and the combo look of anger and defeat on your face.  You're expecting an onslaught of questions.  You brace for the interrogation.

I doesn't happen.

She smiles at you sweetly and walks straight into your personal space.  She puts her purse on the hood of your car and grabs you by the front pockets.  She pulls you close, hugs you tightly and then looks into your eyes and says, "It's days like these I'm glad we have each other.  I'm glad you're my man.  Come inside, baby.  I'm all ears if you need to vent."

That's how empathy feels.  It shuts down the Little Prick that was poised for a fight.

 

How Do You Do That With Her?

It almost doesn't matter exactly what you say.  What matters more is how you truly feel toward her.  Sure, I can help you come up with some really good "one-liners" that you can make your own.  If they are YOUR words, they will be genuine.

But more importantly is your crystal clear understanding that the Little Diva has nothing personal against you.  It's your wife she is fighting with.

It is critical that this is what you truly see and hear when she shows up.  This is what will allow you to breathe and move into her energy with love and compassion.  Let your masculine calm lean in.

By not taking it personally you have no emotional investment in the outcome.  Your only job is to see, hear, understanding and GIVE her the strength of your love and respect. 

This is your only involvement.  The right words will come when you are in the right frame of mind.

It's not complicated.

But it requires you to want it and then to choose that other pair of glasses.

The secret I know is that you ARE strong enough, good enough, and MAN enough to do this.

Do you?

To Better Life and Love,

Steve

www.goodguys2greatmen.com

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