Hey!

How are you today?  I have a quick favor to ask before the article.  This one is for men only.

A number of clients in Northern Colorado want to do a men's retreat, so I'm planning one this summer at my ranch.  It'll be a blast, but the question is this:

Would you prefer a half-day event from 12-6 or an overnight event with fireside chats and tent camping in the forest.  It'll be cheap.  Even if you don't live around here, please reply real quick with the option most appealing to you.  Half day or overnight gig. 

I would REALLY appreciate your feedback.  Thanks.

On to the article.

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Why Doesn't My Husband Want Sex?

 Yes, you read that right.  It's a lot more common than most people think.

 

Husbands are not the only ones dying for more intimacy.  More passion.  I've heard many wives complain about the same thing. 

"He just doesn't seem interested anymore.", is one way they put it.  Or, "He just doesn't seem to desire me like he used to.  He's always tired."

Seriously, this happens all the time.  I had a chat today with a friend who is in this exact situation and he said something that sounded very familiar to me.  (If you're reading this buddy, I knew you would be okay with me talking about it for everyone's benefit.)

He said, "If I wind up having sex with her I feel guilty.  I'll step up and perform like a champion and she will think everything is just fine.  But, it's not."

 

Talk About Role Reversal

He went on to tell me that the lack of a real emotional connection with his wife is the driving factor.  She is closed off emotionally and tends to desire sex to satisfy her feelings of emotional safety and well-being. 

He would like a little more intellectual conversation.  How about dinner first?  Of course he can step up and have sex to meet her desire.  But it doesn't satisfy him.

Therefore, he withholds sex.  Just like women do all the time and for very similar reasons.  They want to feel connection, trust, and respect.  They want to feel like the health of the relationship is indicated by more than just sexual frequency. 

I've said before that women can MAKE themselves have sex with you.  They just can't make themselves WANT to have sex with you.  Big difference.  Right?

And in a long-term, romantic relationship, the exact same rule can apply to men.  It's true that most men can be quickly aroused and want sex with a new girl at any time.  But this sexual response can change drastically after being together for long periods of time.  Our feelings of sexual arousal can be hampered by feelings of being disconnected, disrespected, unappreciated, and "unattracted". 

Women who don't understand this are just as clueless and frustrated as the men who don't understand it.

Isn't Sex a Way to Connect??

This is a valid question and is normally asked by men.

Yes, of course it is.  As the old saying goes, "Men need sex to feel connected, and women need to feel connected before having sex."  What a cruel joke nature played on us.

Men are blamed for being too emotionally unintelligent or unavailable to appreciate the value of emotional and intellectual connections.   Women are supposedly gifted with those qualities.  We're told that our upbringing teaches us to avoid emotional vulnerability and to demonstrate our commitment and value through sexual conquest.   For some of us, this may be very true.

And for many women with a low desire husband, this may ALSO be true.

Some women are raised very much like some boys and end up with a lot of stereotypical masculine energy.  They have a high sex drive and a low tolerance for romance, foreplay, and chit chat.  They feel safer when they avoid conflict and intimate conversations and prefer to connect physically.  Then they are free to skip off without the burden of being emotionally honest and vulnerable.

 

What's a Guy to Do?

Learning how to think, speak, and act in new ways that are respectful, appreciative, and attractive can seem extremely scary to both partners.  I coach both men and women that they have the power to step up.  To initiate a new energy.  To go first.

If I was coaching her, I'd work with her on understanding his underlying emotional needs that are not being met.  She would develop empathy for his desire for emotional connection and process by which he gets turned on to thoughts of passion.  She would learn how a man desires her vulnerability.  She would lead the energy in the relationship in ways that would allow him to feel more deeply connected sensually and then sexually.

It is possible that she would be comfortable in this role and she would successfully help lead him toward a more emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship.  There ARE women who prefer this role in a relationship and need a man who is willing to follow her lead.

I believe this is a very small portion of the female population.  Ladies, tell me if you think I'm full of crap on this.

In most cases, even the emotionally unavailable, high sex drive woman wants to experience a man who will lead.

 

Lead What?

She still needs you to lead her toward emotional safety.  Vulnerability is the one of the SCARIEST words to women.  Being vulnerable means not only opening her body to you, but opening her wounds, her scars, her fears, and her uncertainty to you.

Whether she shows this by withholding sexual connection or by withholding emotional connection, she is afraid of being vulnerable with you.

Many men will take this personally and see it as a lack of attraction, trust, and respect.  But it is likely that she is simply afraid and uncertain about giving you these gifts.  She is still waiting to feel what she needs to feel to be the woman she wants to be.  She needs you to lead the way to those feelings.

I also know that vulnerability is scary to you.  It's one of the biggest reasons men feel they cannot choose to go first.  To provide strong leadership.

What will she say?  How will she react?  What if I screw up?  What if she leaves me?

I get it.  That's why I'm here.  To let you know that this scary stuff is exactly how a man grows.  It is how relationships take jumps to the next level.

If it was easy, any man would do it.  But you're not just any man, are you?

Grab a beer, coffee, tea and the phone.  Call me here and let's chat.  Do it before your wife calls me first. 

To Better Life and Love,

Steve

www.goodguys2greatmen.com

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