G'day!
I'm in my Australia mood today.
Never been there, but someday I'll visit and pick up New Zealand along the way.
Hey. You may need this.
I was asked to write an article by an International Coaching Directory recently. (www.noomii.com)
But since they have first dibs to publish and promote it, I'm not putting in my blog site yet. But I want you to see it now.
That's why I'm sending it directly to you in this email.
See it down below at the bottom.
Let me know it any of it resonates with you personally.
I talk bluntly about how marriages get to this point.
I'm also blunt about the likelihood of you having an ounce of control over the outcome of your marriage or your wife. (i.e. none)
BUT!
The good news is that things you DO have control over (that's you) are the ONLY things your marriage and your wife care about.
Taking charge of YOUR role in how you got to this point is not just the ONLY way, it's the BEST way to turn the energy around in your marriage.
It's work that needs to be done anyway, for this relationship or your next. Why not make it THIS one?
Why do I care about this??
This is my specialty. Helping you with this work. It's hard work because it's worth it.
I LOVE watching my clients - my friends - begin to thrive again in a whole new level of confidence and optimism.
Having a friend, mentor, and coach to keep you on track may be the BEST way for you to get this work done.
It's a man's job. Sometimes a guy needs a hand.
Call me to talk about if you need a hand. It's FREE for heaven's sake.
To Better Life and Love,
Steve
How To Decide What to do With Your Marriage
Posted on September 23, 2013 by Steve Horsmon
So. There it is.
The question that has been in your head for quite some time now.
Maybe you've never said it out loud before or have seen it in writing.
Maybe you've been secretly talking about it with your therapist, your mom, or your friends. Or...your lover.
This question causes some of the most painful thinking and talking a person can imagine.
There's a really good reason for that.
It's a trick question!
What should I do about my marriage?
The question implies that the marriage is as detached from you as a leaky faucet or tired old car.
Those things have gone bad on their own without your involvement. The decision to fix or replace them can be a nagging and difficult one. But in the end, it's just a matter of time and/or money.
Most people view their troubled marriage much the same way. It seems to be an autonomous entity that either works or doesn't. It should be easily fixable or replaceable.
Therein lies the trick. It's not. And deep down, we know it.
Why do we choose to believe the solution to an unhealthy marriage is rooted in fixing or replacing our spouse?
Maybe it's not our spouse exactly.
Maybe it's fixing or replacing the house, the in-laws, the job, or the lifestyle.
Maybe if there was more money, less stress, more free time, more sex, or more respect everything would smooth out.
Maybe if ALL the variables around us could align JUST SO then we would finally achieve the level of trust, respect, happiness, love, and PASSION we think we deserve.
The trick question implies that we might have some control over the marriage or spousal "beast" to have those needs met the way we want them met.
The trick question implies that the decision can actually be made without including ourselves as part of the problem.
It's the wrong question.
The only rational and actionable question is,
"How do I decide what to do about myself in this marriage?"
This is the right question.
The Truth Hurts
The pain associated with the right question is very real.
It's the pain of realizing that our ability to directly influence the outcome of our marriage is out of our control.
It's the pain of guilt inflicted stomach knots when we are faced with acknowledging our own contributions to an unhealthy marriage.
It's the pain of coming to terms with the fact that we have no power over the choices of other people.
It's this pain which causes so many of us to focus our attention elsewhere and ask the wrong questions.
But, by asking the right question you can finally see clearly the things you CAN control.
And the good news is that it is only THOSE things that have a chance at improving your relationship with ANYONE - including your spouse.
The things you CAN control do not include changing anyone but you.
The things you CAN control will not automatically improve your marriage.
But, the things you CAN control will immediately start changing the ENERGY in your marriage.
It is the nature of the environment that YOU choose to create and live in that determines the choices of others close to you.
If you want your spouse to join you in a healthier and happier marriage, the changes you choose to make in yourself MUST MATCH the environment you desire.
There is no guarantee that the changes you make will improve or save your marriage. Remember, that is out of your hands. However, those changes will improve or save you.
The changes you make must be for you only because that is who you choose to be for this or ANY relationship.
That is all you can control. Your spouse gets to make their choices accordingly.
If you are the smart, loving, strong, and generous person you think you are, this should be easy, right?
I can tell you it is not. It's work. And just like any good thing in your life, it's worth working for! We're never as good as we think we are.
So, what do these changes look like? How do you know what to do or how to do it?
These are very personal choices you must make on your own. But, let me share some of the personal change values some of my married clients have chosen to adopt and live by.
Do any of these feel right for you?
- When I speak to my spouse my intention will always be from a place of love.
- I will always deal with conflicts with the goal of making my spouse feel my respect.
- I will work on choosing healthy responses instead of destructive reactions to stress.
- I will learn what my spouse's real emotional needs are and begin to meet those needs without judgment or conditions.
-
I will make my boundaries clear for bad marital behavior and live by those standards each day.
- I will not apologize for being a passionate, sexual person nor for my intention to enjoy those gifts in my life.
- I will stop acting with judgment, resentment, or disappointment and will stop taking everything personally.
- I can't control the choices my spouse makes but will invite them to enjoy our marriage based on healthy shared values.
These are just a few of the types of changes a partner can choose to make NO MATTER WHAT anybody else thinks or does in response. They are for you and you alone.
A choice to make these changes is a commitment to yourself. You may need some help or encouragement from a professional counselor or coach. It is some of the most valuable and important work you can do. Consistency is extremely important.
It might improve or save your marriage. It might not.
But it is the only chance you have.
How the Story Ends
I can't tell you how your story will end.
I can't tell you how to decide what to do with your marriage.
And I can't tell you how to decide what to do with yourself in this marriage.
All I can tell you is what I think your choices are.
I can tell you how I've seen it end with other couples in the same boat as you.
If you decide to do nothing different from this day forward:
- Nothing changes for the next 10+ years of your life and marriage.
- The marriage gets worse for the next 10+ years of your life.
- Either you or your spouse will initiate divorce proceedings.
- Your spouse reads this article, starts making changes, you don't trust them, and they leave you.
If you decide to adopt a new mindset to change yourself and create a new energy in your marriage:
- Your spouse begins to trust and respect you and your transformation inspires them to join you.
- Attraction and mutual respect and support return to your marriage. Your communication and sex life improves.
- Your personal changes have caused major improvements in your relationships with your kids, your parents, and your co-workers/employees.
- You make major improvements in yourself while your spouse does nothing different and one of you initiates divorce proceedings.
- You make major improvements in yourself while your spouse does nothing. You spend the next 10+ years of your life in this marriage.
It's pretty obvious which scenario has the best possible outcomes. Although the second scenario doesn't always turn out well, there is a major difference. YOU took control. YOU took responsibility for you.
You did work which needed to be done anyway. You made changes you wanted to make for YOU and they will stay with you no matter what other people choose to do. You have a new clarity about who you are, what you want, and how you expect your life to go.
Everyone wants to know how long the process takes. They want to know how long before something starts improving. They want to know how long they should wait on their partner before confronting them or giving a FINAL ultimatum.
There is no clear answer for those questions. One rule of thumb may be to consider how long your behavior has been helping to create your current situation. You didn't get there overnight and you won't rebuild trust, respect, and passion overnight. It will take as long as it takes.
Marriages that recover do so slowly, but surely. As both people become more aware of their ability and responsibility to maintain a healthy environment, everything starts improving. Growing trust and respect helps to create emotional safety and attraction. This helps to build stronger emotional and physical intimacy. It's the SAME process that any relationship follows - this one or your NEXT one. Why not try to make it THIS one?
In the cases where your spouse chooses to leave, it is often because they cannot change their current feelings about you. They can't imagine trusting, respecting, or being attracted to you again. They think there must be greener grass elsewhere. The pressure of your personal changes and growing expectations for living the life you want to live is too much to bear. As a result, they will normally initiate the divorce process.
An interesting phenomenon occurs sometimes at this point. The spouse who has chosen to leave discovers that the changing spouse is serious. They begin to see the authenticity of their changes and their commitment to having the healthy relationship they deserve. In the middle of the divorce process or even in the courtroom, the spouse who initiated the divorce gets second thoughts about their decision. It makes for some very interesting discussion.
If you're curious, my story ended in the second scenario - 4th bullet.
It is sad. It's always sad.
The work is hard. All work is hard.
But the future is brighter than ever before.
It is SO worth the effort.
