We get confused with self esteem and self respect.
Self esteem is often directly tied to how other people see us, to what we've achieved, to the skills that we have acquired - it's an external measurement in relation to something or someone else's opinion of you.
But self respect comes from something deeper, something stronger, more reliable and more consistent.
When you make a decision because it's right for you, even though it might cause
you to lose money or a friend or a relationship, you can't help but feel good about you.
You may still feel upset about the outcome.
The loss of a
friendship, job or partner is sad, but the fact you held to your standard and chose to honor your value as a man rather than making the decision to appease someone else or avoid conflict, well that is something no money can buy.
If you don't respect yourself, and make decisions that line up with
your standards, then you end up doing things to other people's standards and that leads you to rely on their approval to feel good.
And you end up chasing that validation before you can feel confident and full of self esteem.
But that's backwards and will always keep you chasing more.
We coach men to know that they are already full of the very things they seek and long for from their partner and that it's in the act of BEING A MAN WHO GIVES those things you want to receive
without expectation, that you feel your sense of self respect, self esteem and masculine mojo.
One has standards and consequences for how people treat him and
the other doesn't.
If you know what your standards are for the way you expect to be treated, then you have no problem standing up for those standards and you can do so while holding yourself to your own standards of calm, loving communication, even when drawing a firm boundary or explaining a consequence.
If you don't know what your standards are, then you end up needing other people to treat you "better" but because you don't have a clear vision of what "better" looks like and you haven't been holding yourself to those standards first, you end up erratically swinging from trying to please her and then getting resentful when she doesn't
act "better" toward you.
In truth, without clear standards and direct, honest communication of those, the other person can feel like they're driving blindfolded.
Some days you're happy with them, other days you're not, but there's no clear structure, no consistency.
And they can't help but back away from that inconsistency - it's confusing, it doesn't feel safe and ultimately it erodes her trust in you.
People LOVE structure. They love to know what you want, especially when it's delivered clearly, concisely, honestly and lovingly without demand and immediate expectation.
Without clear structure you may be hearing things like "You're never happy with me" or "I just don't know what you want from me" or "I give up" or "I just don't know if I'm right for you" or "you need more than I can offer."
Most
men have an idea of what they want, but it often sounds a lot like what they don't want.
It may sound like:
I don't want to argue
about the same thing over and over.
I don't want to go to sleep with her back turned toward me.
I don't want to compete with her phone for attention.
I don't want to go through the motions.
I don't want to feel like crap anymore because she says she doesn't trust me / love me / have feelings for me / want to be with me anymore
These are all useful, but unless you turn those "don't wants" into "wants" you're destined for more of the same.
I want to calmly end arguments in a way that models kindness and respect.
I want to drop the fear and shame and lead her confidently into a deeper,
more intimate and passionate relationship.
I want to have more direction and satisfaction in all areas of my life.
I
want a clear path forward.
I want to be intrigued and excited about my plans and ideas.
I want to feel energised
again.
I want to know what it feels like to live as a man who boldly states what I want, directly, vulnerably and honestly.
BUT...even as you write or say those wants out loud, I know you can also hear a little voice saying "Yes, but..."
All those "Yes, but.." questions are good, logical, valid questions.
They come from your safety zone. Your fear of failure and need for comfort.
After all you worked really hard to get to the comfortable place you're in now right?
Those "Yeah but..." questions are also stopping you from having the things you really want in your relationship.
You see the problem is that while most of us get all fired up when we create our list of wants, we then let our list of don't wants overpower
them.
Or we let other people's lists of don't wants override our wants.
I want to make it very clear...
You can have exactly what you want, I GUARANTEE IT, you just can't get there by asking permission, being tentative, unsure, or fearing how others will react to you.
If you truly want it
- fire in your belly, I've got to have this experience in my future, want it - then you have to commit to it.
You must make yourself a promise that you will not break.
You must make yourself a priority.
That's the foundation of self respect. That's also when things start to change. That's when you start to make it happen.
If you want to create your own self respect and start teaching others how you love to be treated then, let's talk...
