Hey brother,

The reason so many couples lose sight of their power to accept, adore and appreciate each other “as is” is because they are in a competition.

They have only been giving to get - so they keep score.

There's a moment many women decide their marriage is in trouble.

It’s the moment where his appreciation, adoration and celebration of who she is turns into a pragmatic acknowledgment of what she does.

This is when she no longer feels his warmth and acceptance of her nature including her unique quirks, qualities and foibles.

Her value to him suddenly becomes all about what she does - especially what she can do for him.

I brought this point up to the men in the meeting. We talked about how we can change from having an easy-going acceptance of our differences to displaying an agitated energy of dismissiveness.

Bob just raised his eyebrows and nodded, “Yeah, that’s exactly what happened…to both of us. We both changed the way we saw each other and talked about each other. We could never recover from it.”

It Goes Both Ways

Of course, this isn’t just something men need to know.

It goes both ways. Women are just as guilty of losing sight of the original traits and habits they found so adoring in the beginning. The way they think and talk about their husbands moves from “he can do no wrong” to “he can do no right”.

Both partners have a responsibility to learn why this happens and to be accountable for their own triggers. Doing our own work means charting our own course for inner strength, confidence and happiness first.

Marriage, or any committed relationship, isn’t meant to make us happy - it’s where we’re supposed to learn how to love. If we treat our partners as our sole source of love and happiness it will be impossible to consistently give them our love and happiness.

Love and happiness are not places we go to. They are places we must come from.

Love and happiness are things that reside in our own body and mind. We are born with them. They are our secret power to give anytime we please. And the supply is limitless if we choose it to be (read this article for more on that).

When you're in a competition with each other, keeping score, the moment you decide you're not "getting" enough, you shut down and stop giving. Your “bucket of internal love and happiness” feels empty so you mope around waiting for a refill. She does it too. And that’s when the downward spiral ensues.

But that bucket can only feel full when we’re full of self-respect and self-reliance. Without a reliable independent, internal ability to validate our own value our insecurity and fear will drive everything we do in our relationships, which is why we default to keeping score.

We stop loving. We stop being happy. We stop giving. And she follows our lead.

And if we don’t learn our lesson, we will find a new girlfriend and start the whole process over again.

If you want to learn more about how to create a better connection with your wife then let's talk...