How To Cope When Your Partner Has An Avoidant Attachment style

Published: Mon, 01/27/25

Updated: Mon, 01/27/25

Hey brother,

Do you ever feel like you're chasing affection and she's running the other way?

Do you ever feel like the BEST relationship you'll ever have is just walking on eggshells and not pissing each other off?

Many smart, accomplished and otherwise confident men think their only relationship option is settling because they don't know what else to do.

Or they are getting some really bad marriage counseling advice.

Some conventional counseling wisdom uses Attachment Theory to explain unhappy and dysfunctional relationships.

To simplify the theory the basic premise is this:

We show up to our relationships either emotionally SECURE or emotionally INSECURE.

Emotional security is good for your relationship. Insecurity can cause all kinds of problems.

Well meaning counselors sometimes teach their clients, because insecurity is normal, they need to just get better at being insecure.

They teach each partner how to get better at understanding the other partner's triggers and learn to stop triggering. They teach these couples to nurture those wounds and be a better "wound lickers" (my term, not theirs). And when both people get better at being wound lickers then the relationship can get better.

I'm not saying this is inaccurate psychoanalysis. It just isn't effective and, frankly, sounds like a hellish way to be in a relationship.

I'm saying you can do much, much better. You can actually become a healthy, secure man everywhere in your life and relationships.

This is a much more enjoyable and effective place to be in a relationship.

I shot this video on this topic and got a little carried away.

How To Cope When Your Partner Has An Avoidant Attachment style

And the bad news...most people are insecure.

Two common types of insecure people are the ANXIOUS ones and the AVOIDANT ones.

Men who are the insecure-anxious type are afraid of not feeling close, connected, appreciated and respected. And their anxiety can make them needy, clingy, angry, manipulative, abusive and defensive...among other fun behaviors. (aka. hummingbird husbands)

Women who are the insecure-avoidant type are afraid of feeling smothered, controlled, overwhelmed, vulnerable and pressured. And their anxiety can make them quiet, distant, cold, critical, unapproachable and mean...insert your particular adjective here.

This often ends up in a "pursuer - distancer" dynamic in your relationship - I wrote an article for the Gottman Institute a few years back on this topic.

99% of the men in my community are in this exact situation.

This doesn't mean they aren't successful, powerful, influential, talented and confident men. When it comes to the rest of their life they are generally doing great.

These guys are becoming stronger, clearer, calmer and more confident men than ever by "doing the work". They are connecting with other men on the same path. They are taking a leadership role and they are transforming their relationships.

And it's mind-blowing how fast you will learn to lose your insecure thinking and create a whole new skin to live in!

Want to join us? I'd love to meet you.

If you're ready to stop waiting for things to get better and to start taking action on what you can control, here are some ways we can help you start leading things today...

$149 One-Time Payment: The Goodguy2Greatmen 3-Step Emergency Triage for You AND Your Marriage - if you need an instant change in how you're thinking and what you're feeling Dan and I created our most powerful short course covering the core foundational and fundamental concepts you'll find hidden within every single self-help book, course or program you'll ever buy.

Free: If you're serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.

What do I mean by "SERIOUS"?

We take YOU and your struggles seriously...because we've been there
We know dealing with this anxious-avoidant dynamic in your relationship is serious
And we know a lack of clarity about how to change it is serious now and for your long term future happiness
We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life

Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity

$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men's Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 6 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?

$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you've just heard, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "I want to separate or divorce."

As Teddy Roosevelt said:

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”

Lotta love,

Steve & Dan

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Steven Horsmon

550 Drake Ranch Rd., Livermore, CO 80536, USA

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