Here's an old saying I can't stand.
If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best! (In the video I said that backwards)
To which I like to say:
Well, if I can't accept you at your worst, maybe you shouldn't be so freakin'
horrible.
It is important you know where the line is between being emotionally available, empathetic and supportive and being a 24/7 emotional whipping post.
Here is my email reply to his questions:
I am not asking men to condone anything. I'm not saying that men should accept poor treatment or abuse. I'm not saying that it is manly to ignore when someone has totally crossed your boundaries for what you want in your life and your expectations for a healthy relationship.
There is a critical order to things here.
Step one is to eliminate the anxiety, anger and fear and overreaction when somebody else is “attacking
us”. We must become fearless, curious, emotionally strong and mature when other people, including our partners, are being destructive and unhealthy. At this stage, you have to know at your core that your life will be fantastic, no matter what. Even if she chooses to not be in it in a healthy way.
And that means that you must become healthy, secure and confident first before step two. The next step is where you begin teaching other people how to treat you.
Step two is
not about imposing justice or putting somebody in their place. It's not about "tolerating" anything. Step two is about
defining your expectations and asking her to join you at a much higher place of connection. Step two is absolutely refusing to encourage or support her bad behavior in direct ways, including telling her exactly what you want her to do better and what you expect for your marriage. This may require you to step out of the room leave the house or leaving the relationship if she is absolutely opposed to being part of the solution.
Until a man achieves step one he is not ready for step two.
It’s easy to stop at step one and just take it and put up with bad behavior and just roll over. Don't do that.
If you are a healthy and confident man, somebody who verbally castrates you would find themselves
in a very lonely place in a very short time. It’s a natural consequence of any self-respecting, confident man standing up for what he wants for his life and relationship.
How about you, brother?
How would it feel to be self-respecting, confident man every day you wake up?
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