I want to give you some crystal clear coaching about a common concern among men in our community.
What do I tell my wife about this work?!?!
How much should I share?
It's a good question. Most guys mess it up big time.
How?
They talk too much.
They brag about the books they've read, and the videos they've watched and the coaching they're getting.
They start trying to "teach her" about attachment styles, love languages and masculine/feminine polarity.
Why is that so wrong?
It's not "wrong", it's just horribly ineffective, unattractive and little bit pretentious. It just won't impress her the way you think it might.
So, what do you say when she asks?
Here are my coaching tips for keeping it short, sweet and honest.
I'll break them down by the type of energy and attitude she's showing you.
Example 1:
Her: "I gotta say, I'm impressed by how much work you've been doing. I like what I'm seeing...just not sure if I trust it yet."
You: "Thanks, yeah, it's opening my mind and my
heart a bit. Want a cup of coffee?"
Example 2:
Her: "What's with
all these books you're ordering? The titles sound really weird. What are you up to?"
You: "Yeah, I've spent a lot of time wondering what the hell is going on with me. The books are helping me figure out some personal stuff and I'm
shocked I'm reading more than I ever have. I'm learning stuff I wish my dad would have told me. Want a cup of coffee?"
Example 3:
Her: "I think I'm falling in love with this new version 2.0 of you. Why did it take you so long? I've been telling you this stuff for years!"
You: "Cool. I like him better too. I'm learning that a lot of men don't really look inside themselves until their 40's or 50's. I deserve better. So do you, babe. Want a cup of coffee?"
Example 4:
Her: "It's too little too late. I don't care how much "work" you're doing. I don't trust you and I don't think anyone ever changes for real. You just wait. You'll go
back to the old you."
You: "Yeah, I get it. I'd probably feel pretty much the same way if I was in your shoes. I'm figuring out my changes have to be for ME. I needed to stop stepping on my own dick trying to make you happy.
These changes have to be for ME in order to be permanent. Want a cup of coffee?"
What's with all the coffee??
That's my signature ending for guys who just don't know how to shut up. It signals an official END to your answer.
It tells her (and you) that you have ZERO need to defend yourself, explain your work, justify your actions and MOST importantly...you do
NOT need her approval, permission or attention. This is the most trustable energy you can have.
It helps if you have a lightness in your heart and amusement in your tone. Answer her questions from a place of complete comfort and casual confidence.
Many guys "do the work" for one reason.
They want a pat on the back.
Don't do that. You're now growing past the point of needing approval, encouragement or a freakin' parade to do something you've needed to do for yourself for long time.
And THAT will be the most liberating feeling you've ever had.
Promise.
