The Problem Is We Care Too Much

I work with a lot of men who I can relate to.

They are results driven men. Fast thinkers. Good talkers. Articulate, insightful and opinionated.

Mix that stuff with a heavy dose of being emotionally intuitive, sensitive, hopelessly romantic and sexually “amped up”, well, we’re pretty much screwed.

Sometimes we don’t know when to shut up and not argue. We have a hard time just chilling out and leaving well enough alone.

It’s like a dog that springs off the freaking deck every 10 minutes to bark at the next round of nothing whatsoever. (I’m looking at that little bastard now which is where that analogy came from)

We’re not remotely aware how our energy can feel to those around us like a woodpecker trying to knock a hole through a steel gutter at 5am. (That was yesterday)

We notice everything, feel everything and we try to control the outcome of every interaction. But we know something isn’t right.

Feeling like a nervous, anxious hummingbird husband just isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

In other words, we care too much. As Mark Manson said in his epic article, we can give way too much of a f*ck about things we shouldn’t.

We need to ration our f*cks.

We must protect our f*cks and use them much more wisely.

If you can relate to this I am suggesting it’s time to care much more about your own mojo and much less about your marriage.

First things first.

This is the key to your future happiness. In every respect.

I like the way a client said it a while back. “It’s so freaking liberating to not care so much about every little thing that’s out of my control. I can finally relax…and so can she.”

Why We Tend to Care So Much

In my case and every man I work with it all starts with a story in our head.

It’s a story about how things are supposed to go. How the marriage is supposed to feel. What she should be doing to make us feel better.

The story is hard-wired with very specific details about how our whole life is supposed to be and how this relationship is supposed to serve us.

Our significance in this world and our value as a man and husband are tied directly to this story coming out right.

This creates a huge set of expectations over which we have no control.

And when things go off track, we get nervous, insecure, anxious, angry, up tight, worried and controlling.

The story isn’t happening like the script said it would.

Then we say things that make matters worse and we do things we regret.

If only everybody else would fall in line with the script, dammit, everything would be fine!

The Problem with the Script

The problem with the script is that it’s missing a key part.

The leading man’s part was never written in his version of the story. He doesn’t actually know a thing about his role. He only knows what the supporting cast is supposed to be doing.

The story of who he is, what he believes and what he expects of himself isn’t fleshed out yet. The author didn’t develop his character and his motivations.

He doesn’t know his own lines, responsibilities or boundaries.

Therefore, he must improvise. He must make it up as he goes – reacting to everything – only knowing that one way or another he is supposed to end up happily ever after.

And this sucks because he’s a really bad actor and everyone knows it.

Deep down he knows it too. All of his feelings and reactions are bubbling out of place of fear and uncertainty.

Finding his authentic center is going to mean finding himself and defining his role in this story.

Without this all he can do is care about everything and everyone except for who he is being.

This is the place in a man’s life where his reactions, feelings and decisions are all coming from a place of fear and uncertainty. It’s the most accurate predictor of how the next 30 years of his life is going to go.

The reason he’s afraid to change anything about himself now is because he is afraid he will lose what he has created to this point. But his grip on that is loosening every day and he knows it.

He is torn between deciding to make drastic changes in himself and waiting to see what changes are going to happen to him.

I always recommend writing your own next chapter.

For the man I mentioned at the beginning of this email, what he learned was that not only was SHE affected by the constant pressure of questions, he hated being that guy too. He learned that she couldn't like him before he liked himself.