Are you a desperate husband?

A desperate husband wants to see results NOW. 

Yes, you can re-attract your wife after she's asked for space, but if you’re checking the clock all the time you're missing a key understanding of how re-attraction in struggling long-term relationships and marriage works. 

In this email, I’m going to illustrate why desperation feels like implied pressure and judgment and why stopping this WILL improve the intimacy, attraction and connection in your relationship!

Have you ever read an advice column question and started to answer it before you read the “expert’s” answer?

Believe it or not, I did this every Sunday morning starting at 13 years old. It was the Ann Landers advice column in the Sunday paper – just opposite of the comics page I was pretending to read.

I guess I was destined for this career.

So now when I get questions from men about their marriage and sexual relationships I often share them with you…like the one below.

If you’re anything like me, you might want to close your eyes and think about how you would answer it. Then you can read my answer below.

Question from “Tony”:

“Are there any consistencies in how long it usually takes a wife to ‘recover’ from her hurt and anger toward me? When is it appropriate to start enforcing what I stand for? Wait for our ‘agreed upon’ 6-month time frame? I’m working on myself and wondering how long before she wants me again. I wonder if I just don’t “get it” yet, at least not fully. Any thoughts?”

Answer:

Hi Tony,

This is a very common question with a complex answer. Everyone wants to know “how long” before things get back to normal in a situation like yours.

The complexity is that asking that question frequently – even in your head – is precisely what sets up the tension, pressure, implied judgment and disappointment that she can FEEL from you on a daily basis.

This is what most guys don’t get. You have to REALLY, REALLY stop giving a shit about progress, about goals and about timelines. Only then are you truly trustable with a woman in your wife’s current state of mind and emotions.

You have to stay in a lane of your own…happy, secure, engaged, motivated and inspired to live your own damn life. You lose resentment and expectation. You love more deeply than ever. You accept her more than ever before. And you consistently hold her in a position of high regard in your heart and your thoughts even on the hardest days.

It MAY be enough over time to help her re-engage in the intimacy you want in your marriage. It definitely won’t happen without that kind of commitment.

Here’s the other complexity.

Until you become that man and husband, you will feel resentful, impatient and confused as your marriage unfolds in front of you. You won’t be prepared to see and accept her bids to connect. You will continue to make stupid mistakes in how you show up. And you won’t have the courage and confidence to say and do the things necessary to invite her into the marriage you want to live.

This is what we teach in our coaching community. I’d love for you to think about joining us…maybe the Men's Roundtable would be perfect for you.

Lotta love,
Steve

Then he replied:

“Steve, with all due respect, this approach seems vague and open-ended. Is there any evidence you have gathered over the years that provides some proof that this approach works, in other words, will this approach begin the process of re-attracting your wife.. ? It’s hard going being disconnected like this and not knowing when or if your wife will want you again.”

Then I replied:

One of the things I always point out about us guys is that we want to know what “works”. We want data. We want a full risk assessment and statistics to know whether or not a solution is going to give us the outcome we want.

If you ask any man in this community you will find 100% agreement that that does not “work”. It makes things worse 100% of the time because it is devoid of confidence, maturity, emotional security and empathy.

We also know in this community that any man who has achieved a successful reconnection and reinvention of his relationship started by successfully reconnecting and reinventing himself and to stop trying to engineer outcomes and to control or manipulate others.

I talk about this more in the video below: