Am I Supposed to Just Tolerate Her Abuse?! (letter from a reader)

Published: Sun, 10/01/23

(If you're in Gmail this email may be messed up at the bottom - just click the "View entire message" link at the bottom to read the whole thing).

Hey brother,

I received a challenge today by a long term member in our community.

He's been working hard on becoming stronger, more confident and less reactive. He's taking the high road and has stopped his own outbursts and angry, defensive arguing tactics.

Yet, his wife continues to "attack" him.

Here is his exact question. (he gave me permission to share without names)

*****

"Hi Steve,

This has been bothering me for a while and I’m hoping to get a better perspective.

In [a YouTube video] you describe how a Mountain Lion or 007 man takes nothing personally.

His wife’s outbursts are like water off a duck’s back. And that speaks to his confidence and self assurance and ultimately Great Man energy.

My issue is this: Isn’t condoning these outbursts and character assassinations delivered by your significant other counter productive? Is our role as a Great Man to grin and bear abuse of this sort because “women do that and you can’t take it personally.” ? So a man’s role is simply to be her emotional sounding board?

That doesn’t gel with my instincts for natural justice. However, I am acutely aware as a soon to be HDM (Happily Divorced Man) that I may be hyper-sensitive to what many may call this “toxic” or “abusive” behavior.

And if so, why would any self respecting man tolerate it? For sex? Companionship? Intimacy? How can you have any of that if you are being verbally castrated on the daily?

Again, I feel I’m missing something."

*****

Here's my 7 minute answer.

Am I Supposed to Just Tolerate Her Abuse?!

Here's an old saying I can't stand.

If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best! (In the video I said that backwards)

To which I like to say:

Well, if I can't accept you at your worst, maybe you shouldn't be so freakin' horrible.

It is important you know where the line is between being emotionally available, empathetic and supportive and being a 24/7 emotional whipping post.

Here is my email reply to his questions:

I am not asking men to condone anything. I'm not saying that men should accept poor treatment or abuse. I'm not saying that it is manly to ignore when someone has totally crossed your boundaries for what you want in your life and your expectations for a healthy relationship.

There is a critical order to things here.

Step one is to eliminate the anxiety, anger and fear and overreaction when somebody else is “attacking us”. We must become fearless, curious, emotionally strong and mature when other people, including our partners, are being destructive and unhealthy. At this stage, you have to know at your core that your life will be fantastic, no matter what. Even if she chooses to not be in it in a healthy way.

And that means that you must become healthy, secure and confident first before step two. The next step is where you begin teaching other people how to treat you.

Step two is not about imposing justice or putting somebody in their place. It's not about "tolerating" anything. Step two is about defining your expectations and asking her to join you at a much higher place of connection. Step two is absolutely refusing to encourage or support her bad behavior in direct ways, including telling her exactly what you want her to do better and what you expect for your marriage. This may require you to step out of the room leave the house or leaving the relationship if she is absolutely opposed to being part of the solution.

Until a man achieves step one he is not ready for step two.

It’s easy to stop at step one and just take it and put up with bad behavior and just roll over. Don't do that.

If you are a healthy and confident man, somebody who verbally castrates you would find themselves in a very lonely place in a very short time. It’s a natural consequence of any self-respecting, confident man standing up for what he wants for his life and relationship.

*****

How about you, brother?

How would it feel to be self-respecting, confident man every day you wake up?

Want to create a different relationship with the women in your life?

Here are some options to get started...

Free: Take Our Attractive Husband Self Assessment Here

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$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you've just heard, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "I want to separate or divorce."

As Teddy Roosevelt said:

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”

What have you got to lose?

With love, brother,

Steve & Dan

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Steven Horsmon

550 Drake Ranch Rd., Livermore, CO 80536, USA

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