Let's start with this...what's a "bad boy"?
For this email, my definition is simply this.
A healthy "bad boy" is:
- Crystal clear about who he is, what he believes in, what he wants and where he is going in his life and mission
- He cares deeply for those he brings into his life. He cares what they think and how they feel...and he is unattached to how they think and feel about him.
- He listens, responds and validates others with empathy and confidence...and he doesn't need them to valid or affirm his value to them.
- He doesn't over-react to his own emotions or those of others. He can stand without feeling threatened or afraid when others challenge him.
- He allows others to change his mind, to influence his thinking and to help him grow. He's so "bad" he doesn't even believe all of his own bullshit.
- He's kind hearted, unapologetically transparent about his beliefs and desires and he is frequently amused at the world and those who take themselves a little too seriously...including himself.
- He doesn't try to mold himself into someone he is not simply to avoid conflict, garner attention or to please others. He can be who he is because, once again, he KNOWS who he is.
You see? He's not a d*ck. He is secure enough in himself that he doesn't need a d*ck persona to cover up his boyish angst. He doesn't need to judge, criticize or threaten others because he doesn't feel threatened by
them.
The proverbial "bad boy" is a d*ck. Yeah, that's not you.
Now. What About Your Wife?
A lot of men I work with have wives who are also learning how to be healthy "bad girls".
They are striving for more independence, more autonomy, more influence, a stronger voice and more freedom to pursue being themselves. These "bad girls" want to stop having to please and serve everyone. They want a feeling of significance they goes beyond
just being a mom and a wife. They want more connection, lightness and laughter. And they want to conquer their long-lived insecurities, discomfort and desires around their bodies and
their sexuality.
They are not d*cks for wanting all that.
With a few slight changes, that is exactly what "bad boys" want too!
If your wife is a budding "bad girl", what she's needs more than anything right now is for you to be her "bad boy". Two secure, healthy people heading the same direction with each other and in support of each other.
A healthy "bad boy" see's her healthy "bad girl" in a new light. She wants what he wants. She's not a threat.
He's okay. And he doesn't give sh*t.
*****
Now. What About You?
Sometimes, all a guy needs is a few tips on where to start.
How about some tips on where to STOP?
- How about being less deferential? Know what you like to do, where you love to go and what you love to eat. Make decisions quickly and lose the "I don't know...what do you want?" routine.
- How about apologizing less for things which really don't require an apology? (e.g. "I'm sorry you're not happy with me." or "I'm sorry to bother you.")
- How about stopping the hovering around her and the house looking for attention, approval or permission to do what you want.
- How about stopping with all insecure questions that start with WHY, WHO, WHERE, WHAT OR HOW?
In my previous "good boy" years I would do almost anything to appear as "cooperative", "nice" or "easy to get along with".
This extended into situations where opinions got strong and I would bend my views to fit into the conversation I was having.
"Good boys" are agreeable in order to avoid conflict, discomfort or awkward moments with others.
"Bad boys" are shamelessly able to stand in awkwardness without an ounce of fear or trepidation.
Some examples:
If someone says "I hate pizza!"
"Good Boy": "Yeah, pizza can be greasy and fatty. I always end up eating too much."
"Bad Boy": "Pizza is my religion. I sleep with pizza. What planet were you born on?"
If someone says "I really don't watch much TV."
"Good Boy": "Yeah, I know...there's so much crap on TV, I really try to limit my time too. It's such a waste."
"Bad Boy": "That's cool. I use it to unwind after a busy day and I really love watching comedy. Laughing fills my soul." (to which the person always says, "Oh yeah, me too, I mean, like it's not like ALL TV is bad, I mean, I like comedy too.")
If someone says "Sex is so over-rated. Most people are perverts."
"Good Boy": "Yeah, it's really gotten bad in commercials. Women are so objectified, aren't they?." (trying to garner approval)
"Bad Boy": "Over-rated? Seriously? I happen to love sex...everything about it. I love feeling connected with my partner and I love sharing the pleasure. I think most people have an unhealthy relationship to their own
sexuality."
*****
It's Your Turn, Brother
What do YOU think about being a "bad boy"?
What's holding you back? Where are you feeling threatened?
How can you step up your game and stop some of the "good boy" behaviors that you can't stand?
What do you think you need to bring out your inner "bad boy"?
