The First Question You Must Ask Yourself
This is important. Ask yourself this.
Is she right?
I mean, does she actually have a fair point with her comments or complaints?
Before I give you deeper insight into WHY people tend to criticize, complain and control others, it's critical that we take full OWNERSHIP for how we may have created the situation.
So, is she right? Are you actually being an asshole? Are you honestly driving too damn fast or following way too close? Have you truthfully been checked out and disconnected from her and the family? Have you been unusually unhappy, over-reactive, agitated, withdrawn or angry.
And this one's for me...does your mind and attention tend wander off whenever your ears detect the frequency of her voice? Could a reasonable person smell an air of disinterest or dismissiveness from you when she is speaking to you?
Did you answer "Yes" to any of those things? Then you HAVE TO FIX THAT STUFF NOW. She's not "making you" do it. You're making you do it. So, own it, fix it and watch miracles happen.
*****
Why Most People Judge, Criticize and Complain About Other People
This is important because it will shift your perspective and your THINKING about what's happening.
This is how you will gain a calm, confident approach to responding more effectively.
The deeper reason your wife may be judging, criticizing and complaining is because she feels unsafe and insecure.
This is true for ALL of us.
Insecurity in our own daily sense of worthiness, value, well-being, significance and safety will make us behave like assholes.
This is why most two-year-old kids are famous for frequently acting like assholes.
It's the exact same reason why adults do it.
If you can understand this in your marriage, you will be able to:
- Acknowledge and fix your own insecure asshole
behavior.
- Respond to her with a ton more confidence, emotional strength, self-respect
and compassion.
Important! Don't think for a minute that you can "fix" her.
I'm teaching you how to HANDLE the situation and how to HANDLE your thinking and feelings. I'm teaching you to realize that her "attacks" are not personal.
When insecure people criticize or complain about others, they are not doing it TO those people...they are doing for themselves.
They are trying to resolve their own feelings of shame, emotional tension and upset by projecting them onto others. You must come to understand this if you are to ever
overcome your unhelpful thoughts and reactions to her.
I can't teach you how to "make her change".
The only way she may choose to begin making changes is when YOU becoming reliably consistent in how you handle yourself.
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Suggestions for handling yourself in the moment:
- Take a few really deep breaths and remember you're not in danger and you're not being attacked. Be calm.
- Tell her "Thanks!" for her input and mean it
- If she has a fair point, simply say, "Yeah, you're probably right, I can do better."
- If she is highly emotional, say, "I can feel how upset you are about this. What do you need right now?"
- If she is highly agitated and mean/ugly/disrespectful, say, "You're being unusually mean/ugly/disrespectful right now. I'm not going to talk about it with you in
this way."...and mean it.
- If she insists on having marathon complaining/venting sessions, set a time limit. Nobody should be expected to sit and listen to a string of criticisms or complaints for too long. My limit would be 15 minutes.
- Insist on kind, respectful, TWO-WAY conversations...and mean it.
- Insist on developing the skill of seeing what is RIGHT about your relationship instead of a toxic focus on what is WRONG. (all healthy, secure couples know how to do this one)
