One of the most “googled” phrases is “how to save my marriage”.

I was one of those “googlers” years ago. I was “googling” anything I could that would give me the magic recipe to resuscitate my marriage. I never found it and the patient died.

I didn’t stand a chance. I was trying to save something that was totally out of my control. My marriage wasn’t the source of my problems. I was and she was.

And “I” was the only thing directly under my control.

The crisis was in how we choose to think, speak and act toward each other. The crisis was in the resentment and contempt we felt.

My personal crisis was in how I thought about women, how I saw myself and what I didn’t know about loving another human being – especially my wife. This is what needed to be saved. Nothing else mattered until I saved that.

I had to “save myself” and have faith that whatever happened to the marriage was what was supposed to happen. I had to stop expecting the “marriage” to somehow heal itself and start expecting more from myself.

It became crystal clear to me that pushing any other agenda was a complete waste of time. I had to focus on my personal crisis – not the marriage.

The result at the end of the next few months was something I would have never predicted. But now, I can predict it with ease in my men’s coaching practice. It happens all the time.

It’s an uncanny turn of events – both surprising and incredibly sad at the same time.

Beware of What Saving Yourself Might Bring

When a man decides to save himself and boldly face the changes he wants to create, the world around him starts to change. Because he sees himself differently, he sees his marriage – his wife – the world differently. 

The old saying is true...

“When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.” (Wayne Dyer)

And when she makes a tentative offer of “trying again” or “seeing if we can work things out”…he has lost interest.

He thinks differently, he speaks differently and he responds differently to everything. His awareness grows. His confidence builds. And his sense of certainty and well-being blooms.

That’s the surprising part.

The incredibly sad part comes when those authentic changes occur, his wife begins to notice. 

In many cases she has not been doing any work to “save herself” but now she wonders where this guy has been. 

She moves in a little closer to test the waters, still maintaining the cold, hard protective shell she adopted years ago.

And when she makes a tentative offer of “trying again” or “seeing if we can work things out”…he has lost interest.

It’s not just a loss of interest driving his decision, it’s the promise of what more is possible for him without her in his life.

He wants more peace, more acceptance and more love. He is interested in having a partner who wants what he wants – someone who wants him.

He imagines a woman who is willing and capable of growing with him. And he has become pretty certain that his wife can’t make this trip with him.

He is surprised at his own resolve and clarity. He feels calm and deliberate about his next steps.

And he feels a tsunami of sadness wash over him.

Many guys ask me, “Does this story ever have a different ending? Does she ever decide to change herself too and grow with him?”

Absolutely. The story can end any number of ways and all of them are good endings!

He knows without a doubt that his new perspective about his value, his dreams and his self-expectations will bring him the good he wants no matter what.

But the man who is truly committed to the process of saving himself has no attachment to the outcome.

He has no intention of manipulating her or her choices. He knows he can’t control anything but himself.

And he knows without a doubt that his new perspective about his value, his dreams and his self-expectations will bring him the good he wants no matter what.

He no longer measures his success, happiness and self-worth by his ability to “save the marriage”.

There are many, many ways to create a happy ending and it all starts with saving yourself first.