Hey
brother,
The most common box checked on the Petition for Divorce form is "Irreconcilable Differences" which literally means "impossible to reconcile".
And the word "reconcile" means:
1. To reestablish a close relationship between.
2. To settle or resolve.
3. To bring (oneself) to accept.
So when you (or she) check that box, you're declaring it is
"impossible" to change the way you currently feel.
The most likely reason you'll get divorced is NOT because of "differences" you can't reconcile...it's because of
FEELINGS you (or she) can't reconcile.
And if you've been around here long enough, you know what I'm going to say next.
Since all nearly all emotions are born of thought, you and your wife are actually having irreconcilable thoughts...not differences.
And because most couples don't have the awareness, willingness or maturity to dig deeper into their thinking, they take the easy route.
They refer to their problems as a crisis of differences instead of owning the fact that they are actually experiencing a crisis of thinking.
For example, she may be thinking:
- I don't feel connected
- He's emotional
unavailable
- He doesn't make me happy
- I don't feel valued, appreciated or understood
- He never really loved me
- He's too controlling
And you may be thinking:
- She's unreasonable
- I
never feel respected or appreciated
- She's never happy with me
- I can't say or do anything right
- She's too emotional
- She's too controlling (funny how this one always makes both lists)
These are not differences. These are thoughts that create the feelings that your problems are unsolvable.
I believe the decision to divorce, especially with women, is the belief that these feelings are impossible to reconcile. Women naturally have stronger connection and trust in their feelings. This intuition is
powerful and important. It has kept them safe for eons. This may partly explain why women initiate about two-thirds of the divorces. They think it's stupid to stay in one place if they feel unsafe.
I also believe women have a much lower "pain tolerance" for feeling unhappy and unsafe, therefore, they will pull the trigger long before men are even considering it.
But be careful here.
Don't let that make you feel all self-righteous and shit. Both men and women suffer from very similar thinking
problems.
While women have a strong desire to FEEL happy and safe, men have a strong desire to feel respected and appreciated.
When we THINK we're disrespected and unappreciated, we will say and do some of the most destructive things to accelerate the destruction of the relationship. This is because our THOUGHTS have created a
story about how she just doesn't love us or isn't attracted to us.
Here's a new thought
The only way to change your irreconcilable thoughts is to learn how to change your thinking about those thoughts.
The most effective style of marriage counseling focuses on the thinking problems in the marriage.
A simple, subtle change in perspective can cause a sudden and powerful change in your feelings.
Consider the possibility that you're both full of crap. Consider that your thinking problems are caused by an intellectual misunderstanding and an insecure emotional state.
What if there was a common denominator for all your feelings?
What if you actually have more IN COMMON than you have DIFFERENCES?
What if the underlying cause of
these feelings is a SHARED EXPERIENCE of misunderstanding and fear?
It's quite possible you don't have differences to reconcile...it's just that you
don't know how to reconcile your similarities.
What if you both came to a new realization and belief that your loss of connection is simply a huge
lapse of empathy, vulnerability and emotional security?
Read them again:
- I don't feel connected
- He's emotional unavailable
- He doesn't make me happy
- I don't feel
valued, appreciated or understood
- He never really loved me
- He/She is too controlling
- She's unreasonable
- I never feel respected or appreciated
- She's never happy with me
- I can't say or do anything right
- She's too emotional
What if you understood what was behind the curtain for each of these complaints?
What if you could see, feel and understand the depth of confusion, fear, insecurity hiding behind the fearful thoughts and hurtful words?
What if you could truly empathize with the shared experience of childhood wounding and programming at the root of the insecure thoughts and behaviors in your relationship?
You would have a new super power, that's what.
Here's what I know for sure...
If you decide to adopt a wiser perspective and belief system you will experience massive changes in yourself and your relationship.
These changes allow you to THINK more clearly which will make you FEEL more calm and confident in your ability to lead your relationship to a better place.
Your feelings will become more consistently positive, optimistic and loving because the stories you tell yourself are finally created from a higher level of thinking.
This is what we love to do every day.
You will be amazed by the quality of
the people you meet.
You will be inspired by the intelligence and depth and of the GG2GM community.
And you'll land in the very safest place for men to connect, learn and support each other on the journey to being the man you want to be.
