Hey brother,

It's one of the most common phases uttered in our private GG2GM forums and during private coaching calls.

I feel like a doormat...or she treats me like a doormat...or am I just supposed to be a doormat and put up with what she's saying/doing?

I get it.  

When your hear advice like, "Stay strong" and "Don't argue" and "Be compassionate", you might think we're trying to teach you how to be a doormat.

It's especially frustrating if your wife is a good "arguer" and she can spin phrases (or recount 10 yr. old memories) in such a way that leaves you feeling like a deer in the headlights.  It's easy to feel walked on when you feel like you have no tools to defend yourself.

And, I understand that you may be the primary breadwinner and are supporting a new whole new lifestyle and household that doesn't seem to want you involved.  Again...doormat.

*****

Here's my take on the whole doormat issue.

• "Doormat" status happens when we feel powerless.
• "Doormat" status happens when we believe we have no options and no agency to stand up for ourselves.
• "Doormat" status happens when our emotional world becomes an out-of-control whirlwind whipping us around.
• "Doormat" status is normally marked by feelings of anger, sadness, resentment and fear.

In simpler words, doormat status is entirely an INSIDE JOB.

Let's look at these lion pictures.  

We use these pictures to help illustrate the difference between "Doormat Status" and "Mountain Lion" status.  (Yeah, I know this guy is a different kind of lion.  Humor me.)

In these first two pictures, you feel like a doormat because you feel attacked. You may feel weak, ashamed, disrespected, unappreciated and unloved. You feel victimized and don't know what to do or say.  Both lions are feeling insecure in these pictures.

"When you're in a defensive posture OR attack posture, you'll feel like a doormat.  Both are coming from insecurity and fear."

While it may feel appropriate to fight back, you're never left feeling any better about yourself.  And as much as you think you need to defend yourself and your honor, there are exactly ZERO words which will change her feelings in this moment.  There is really no such thing as "winning an argument" at this point.  It's always LOSE-LOSE. And both lions still end up feeling scared and insecure.

*****

How about this one?  This guy isn't cowering and he's not attacking.  He looks curious, and slightly cautious.  How can he calmly sit there and watch her? What do you think he's thinking?  What would a lion have to know or believe to feel unrattled and still engaged...even when the heat is on?  He isn't feeding her anger and he feels a gentle calmness and understanding that there's no need to counter-attack.  He is secure.

He doesn't feel the least bit like a doormat.

And what about this guy? She is still upset and still trying to resolve her emotions and is leaning in toward him.  He sees it as her way of asking for connection...or perhaps a test of his commitment.  He's secure and she can feel his strength, affection and respect.  He's calm, deliberate and pleased with how he handling himself and the situation.

He is clearly NOT a doormat.

"When you stay confident, calm and curious in any situation, you can't feel like a doormat.  You are emotionally secure and confident.  You are deliberate in how you CHOOSE TO THINK about what is happening."