Hey brother,
I'm often asked, "How do you find so many topics to write about?"
And I usually say, "It's pretty much the same stuff regurgitated many different ways inside many different (but insanely similar) stories."
This email is like that. No video today.
I'm simply going to share my long-winded answer to the most popular and challenging question I get when working with men in struggling marriages.
What's the question?
It sounds something like this.
"Steve, I totally get what you're saying about personal ownership, outcome independence and masculine leadership. In many ways it makes sense. But, I have to tell you it totally pisses me off that this seems to imply I'm completely at
fault and that she has no responsibility. I tired of feeling like I'm the only one who needs to pull the weight. When can I expect her to own something, to meet MY needs and to act like the grown up you're asking me to be?"
Great question! Really, I struggled with this
too.
Sometimes I'll use my horse analogy to explain that a scared and reluctant horse needs leadership. She needs safety. She needs trust. And she needs the gentle hand of a strong, confident and consistent man to bring back into partnership.
Then I normally hear, "Yeah, but she NOT a horse...she's a grown ass woman!"
Okay, you're not wrong.
But the point is that you still have zero power over this "horse" besides how you choose to show up. We have power over our thoughts, emotions, responses and the ultimate decision about whether or not this
is a horse we can live with.
First things first. We must start with ourselves...not with her.
Here's my long-winded version you may like to read in full below.
*****
Let's be honest. ALL guys
(including me) are initially pissed off and frustrated at the " message we share around leadership and being a better man.
Most of us will say, "So you're saying if I want to have the type of life and relationship I want, then I'M responsible for EVERYTHING? You're saying that SHE doesn't have any part in it?"
Let's get clear on why this pisses us off
so much.
At first, it looks like we're pissed just because it's so unfairly one-sided.
And we feel so much shame for not being "strong enough or good enough" to make her change into the woman we want her to be.
I believe we're also pissed off for a much deeper, more scary reason.
* We're afraid that this won't "work" and that we can't "fix it" alone.
* We're afraid that we simply won't get the life and relationship we really want.
* And we don't want
to fail...especially after all we've been through together and all we've done to build what we have.
* We're afraid that after all this time, we'll have to be alone and start over.
We're pissed off because we think we can already see where this story will end (badly) if:
1. I own everything and must focus on myself
2. I can't change her or even expect her to change
3. I lead her even if she won't follow
3. I simply take care of myself and fulfill my own needs for the life and relationship I want
Here's the truth. (it gets deep and messy here)
It's totally possible that your marriage will not last. It's possible you can't do anything to save it.
It's possible that the life and relationship you really want is NOT possible with the person you're with.
That's scary to read, isn't
it?
But that has always been a possibility. We're not as much in control as
we think we are. The only LOGICAL PATH is to stop trying to control it and focus on those things you DO control.
By not accepting this very real, dark and scary
possibility, we force ourselves into an ongoing dark and scary thinking pattern that causes us to FEEL ANGRY AND PISSED OFF... a LOT.
The strong, unbendable desire for a positive outcome can be a horribly negative experience. (e.g. what you're going through now)
And the inverse is true too!
The strong, gracious acceptance of a negative experience can be a tremendously positive experience.
The choice to be strong and accepting of the things we don't control is the most logical path toward an outcome that feels positive...even if it's not the outcome we imagined.
It's the most logical path to getting the experience of life and relationship we want.
My coaching message is clear at at this point.
The best path forward is to drop expectations of her changing...accept her as she is...stop resenting her for not "pulling her weight" or for not wanting what you
want.
Give her all the space she needs. Accept that she is in her own new world of self-discovery and healing.
Then...take ownership for who you want to be and HOW you want to be. Lead yourself toward the secure, confident,
calm, deliberate and pleased energy you want. Be fearless in stating your desires, your dreams and your fears! Be bold in asking for what you want without attachment to the answer.
Connect with those who LOVE to connect with you. Believe in your heart that the outcome yet to occur will be the right one.
Be aware that HOW you are BEING is actually strong LEADERSHIP.
It's an ongoing invitation to anyone (including your wife) to join you in the space you love to be.
******
Whenever we find ourselves in a continuous pattern of dark and scary THINKING that leaves us FEELING ANGRY AND PISSED OFF... we have to realize that it is all self-imposed.
Nobody else is to blame.
Nobody, including our
wives/lovers/girlfriends have any responsibility for our THINKING or how we experience the reality in front of us.
It's always our job.
And we never have control over the ultimate outcome. We have no control over the thinking...the feeling...the choices...the reactions or desires of anyone else in our lives.
Everyone's personal experience of love, connection, happiness and fulfillment has to be something created from within.
It requires a keen, sharply focused and non-negotiable awareness of who you are, what you value, what you want and where you
want to lead yourself.
It's scary and, therefore, it makes us angry and pissed off that "she" may not want what WE want.
*****
How Did I Get Here?!
I think you're right where you're supposed to be. I don't mean your marriage, I mean YOU. And she is where she is supposed to be too.
This phase of discomfort, confusion, anger and fear is supposed to help you both gain a clear, keen, brand new.
sharply focused and non-negotiable awareness of who you are, what you value, what you want and where you want to lead yourself.
Neither of you wants 10 more years of the same. It's NOT going to happen.
This phase is often called "disillusionment" in fancy relationship counseling talk.
This is the phase where both partners ask,
"Really? Is THIS
all there is? Is THIS what I really want? Is THIS the person who I supposed to be with?"
Instead of simply getting divorced (like most people)....
And instead of just giving up and staying stuck in your current pattern...
You want to discover if you can carve out something brand new.
This will require something
scary.
It requires you both to gain a clear, keen, brand new, sharply focused and non-negotiable awareness of who you are, what you value, what you
want and where you want to lead yourself.
And then, you have to look at each other in the eye and decide if there's enough commonality in this vision that you can be excited to sail on the same boat.
Some of it will be a PERSONAL and self-serving journey.
And some of it will be a MUTUAL and partnership-serving journey.
The RATIO between these two things needs to be established together.
This is not simple. And it's not just a matter of "putting up with" the things she wants and vice-versa.
It's more intentional, more aware and more HONORING of what you each need in order to feel alive.
*****
Bottom Line:
In
order for us to have a positive experience of our "negative circumstances" we must accept:
* We can't change, force or expect anyone else to want what we want.
* We must own the responsibility for being the person we want to be and never let him down.
* We must have the courage to invite others to be with us in the lifestyle we want, even at the risk of them saying "no, thank you".
* We are 100% responsible for our DAILY SENSE OF PEACE, CONNECTION AND HAPPINESS with everything around us.
* We are the creators of our own experience (thinking and emotions)...we actually get to choose and then create how we want to feel.
The ultimate outcome of your marriage can be left to
random, unfocused values, negotiations, sacrifices and compromises. I'm thinking this option is no good for you.
Or...the outcome of your marriage can be guided by a clear belief, declaration and awareness of what you want to
co-create.
The scary part is always not knowing exactly what the final outcome will be.
The scarier part is finding the courage to choose this path, lead the way and try to create what you really want.
Let me know if you want some help with that.
*****
