Hey brother,

Pete stormed out of the house into the cool night air after another stupid argument with his wife, Barb.  The last thing she said was, “I just can’t take this anymore!  Don’t you even hear how you talk to me?!”  The door banged shut just after he heard her begin to sob.  Again.  Pete leaned on the fence behind the garage and looked at the stars, wiping tears and snot from his face.  This was a side of the aching knot in his gut he would NEVER show Barb - or anyone else, for that matter.   This is NOT how his life was supposed to go!  

Just then, he heard someone clearing their throat in the dark behind him.  It startled him. He whipped around to see who it was.  Before he could make out a face he heard them say, “Another fun night, huh buddy?”  It was his stepfather, Mike, the man who adopted him when Pete was five years old.  

Pete agreed to go with Mike down the street to a local all-night diner for a cup of coffee.  As they slid across worn vinyl seats into a booth, a waitress came to take their order. 

She was wearing the diner-issued red button-down shirt tucked tightly into a pair of well-fitting jeans.  Her kind voice and cheerful smile invited Pete to make eye contact…much longer than was appropriate for a coffee order.  He felt Mike’s foot nudge him on the shin under the table, then caught his disapproving glare.

“What’s that look for?” Pete demanded. 

Mike rolled his eyes and said, “I guess this is as good a place to start as any."

“Do you still love her?” Mike asked as he bit into his hot pastrami sandwich.  

It was Saturday and Mike had invited Pete to join him for lunch at his favorite deli in Old Town.  

Not knowing what his next steps with Barb should be, Pete accepted the offer. Pete paused and began, “Well, yeah, I love her. I mean, we’ve been having a lot of issues and sometimes she’s not so loveable, but sure - I guess I still love her. It’s just that she doesn’t seem to love me anymore and it’s hard to…” 

“Just stop,” Mike interrupted, visibly tired of Pete’s rambling.  

Mike noticed that whenever Pete talked about his wife and marriage he constantly referred to Barb’s attitude, her mood, and what she was or wasn’t doing for him. Being such a “good guy” had always gotten Pete whatever he wanted - except from Barb. 

 *****

“C’mon guys, let’s go get some breakfast and let Mom sleep in,” Pete whispered to his 6 and 8 year old boys - Devon and Jake - who shared a room down the hall. 

Pete’s plan was to get the boys out of the house before they started making their normal ruckus and woke up Barb.  He would take them down to the local coffee shop for donuts and he would grab coffee for himself and Barb.  By the time he got back, she would be awake and appreciate that he had thought of her.

It felt like a brand new day and a new lease on life.  The sun was warm and there was good music on the radio.  The kids got along great on the ride back home and Pete was thinking about how well his plan worked.  (Guess what...it back-fired)

After the big blow-out on Sunday, Pete moved through the next week like a zombie.  He was numb about work and numb about his marriage. 

What scared him was that he was starting to like it that way.  It was much easier to NOT feel anything than to deal with the resentment and anger that was waiting for him if he allowed himself to feel again.

Barb seemed to be in the same boat.

All week long they were functional roommates who went through the motions of child care, housework, meal preparation and bill paying.  Pete didn’t even try for his normal kiss goodbye in the mornings.  He wasn’t even sure if he was attracted to her anymore.  She certainly wasn’t attracted to him.

Finally Saturday morning came and Pete couldn’t wait to meet Mike at the same diner where they’d had their first meeting.  The same cute waitress glided over to their table to greet them and take their order.

Pete refused to even make eye contact as he mumbled his order – a Denver omelet, wheat toast and coffee.  Mike grinned at Pete, then he gave her his order along with a hearty thank you and an appreciative smile.

“Jeez, Pete,” Mike said. “You won’t turn to stone if you look at her!” he kidded, trying to lighten Pete’s obvious dark mood.

Then Mike asked him the most difficult question of the day.

Pete was beginning to feel more relaxed and the emotions of “The Big Blow Up” were fading.  He wanted to impress Mike with his answer to the question.

“Pete, what if you were the director of the ‘movie’ that played that Sunday in your kitchen? What if you had the job of writing the perfect line – one sentence – for the guy playing you? What would you write?  Let’s say the actor playing you is George Clooney.  What would he say and how would he say it?”

Pete looked Mike in the eye, cleared his throat, and said, “I think I would have said nothing at first and let her blow off some steam.”

“Then later, after she came out of the bedroom and the boys were out of the room I would have Clooney say, ‘Sweetheart, you can not talk to me all day long if you want – it’s really okay.  It won’t change the fact that I’ll probably let you sleep in again sometime, take our boys for donuts, and bring you coffee in bed.  You need to know that your sniping at me for chocolate donut breakfasts doesn’t scare me and it doesn’t change the fact that I love you.  The boys and I want to see a movie in town today and you’re invited too if you want to join us.”

Pete added, “Then he would gently hold her shoulders, kiss her on the cheek, and walk away.”

Mike threw his head back and laughed so loudly the whole diner turned to look at them.

“Perfect!” he cried.  “Clooney nails it again!”

*****

For the next 3 months, Pete felt more driven than ever before.  He was committed to keeping his relationship with Mike and they met about once a week to talk. 

It felt like a switch flipped for Pete. 

His desire to learn and grow as a man and husband was no longer all about Barb!

It was about him.  His time with Mike was non-negotiable.  He MADE time for it because it was more satisfying than the half-dozen things he might be doing otherwise.

Pete began to get crystal clear about some very important things and it was changing his life.  He was learning about:

• Why his impatience and temper drove Barb away and how to control himself
   
• How to build more confidence in himself and why Barb was attracted to that
   
• Where his negative thoughts came from and why they were complete B.S. and were sabotaging him
   
• When he should make a stand for his values and when he should be more accepting
   
• What Barb needed at a deeper level to feel more trust and attraction and desire for him

From Pete's point of view, the last 3 months went pretty smoothly.  He and Barb still had ups and downs, but they got through conflict and tension MUCH quicker than before.

There was more trust.  More respect.  More kindness.  And a LOT more appreciation.

*****

If you want to read the entire story and ALL of the important lessons Pete learned, click on the attachment at the bottom of this email.

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