How to Stop Getting Sucked Into Drama with Your Wife

Published: Mon, 12/26/22

Hey brother,

“Here we go again... One stupid comment, one raised eyebrow, one
more straw on the camel’s back and we’re arguing again. Worst of
all, it’s the SAME argument we’ve had so many frickin’ times. We
just can’t seem to stop…”

How does this happen?

How does a once loving, connected relationship devolve into resentment and conflict that either explodes like a powder keg into accusations, insults, screaming, and crying or becomes a non-verbal battle of the wills complete with the silent treatment, the cold-shoulder, sulking, grumbling, slamming doors, sobbing behind closed doors, or sleeping on the couch?

Whether your marriage conflicts can be heard down the block or drag on quietly for days, it all boils down to what could be called “DRAMA.”

In this case, Drama does not mean a performance of King Lear.

Relationship Drama could be described as a conflict that becomes
much larger than the original problem and strays into emotional
manipulation, power struggles, and intense emotional reactions.

Relationship Drama is also repetitive and predictable. No matter what or who started it, it quickly devolves into the same old complaints and reactions.

After studying countless couples in conflict, Dr. Stephen Karpman
developed “The Drama Triangle” as a way of visualizing a repetitive
pattern of arguing where each person adopted various “roles” in an
argument and how these roles invariably interact with each other.

Dr. Karpman named these roles after their characteristics:

The Persecutor
This persona is the aggressor. Often starting an argument with criticism, blaming, faulting-finding, and complaining.

The Rescuer
This is the fix-it person. They act as the Hero who will solve the problem (which is always about the other person) and do anything to restore the peace.

The Victim
This character is helpless and hopeless. They never take responsibility
for their actions or situation – it’s always someone else’s fault. They see themselves as the one who is the worst off.

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Everyone can play any role at any moment and tend to move from one
position to another and back again, over and over. Sometimes they might even switch in mid-sentence!

In this video from our course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb we do a little playacting to demonstrate what it looks like for 2 people to switch back and forth between roles during an argument.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH:

"Stop Arguing About Stupid Crap"

Can You Escape the Drama Triangle?

The first step in having the ability to avoid the dreaded triangle is to begin to recognize when you are in it or at the very least after the fact.

The next time you get into one of those endless power struggle arguments, ask yourself,

“What role am I playing right now?”

"How did I “enter” this situation?"

"How did she enter?"

"Is she the persecutor?"

"Am I feeling like a victim?"

Just get aware of what role you're playing. That's the first key,

Once you begin to easily realize that you’ve jumped into the triangle, you have the ability to use the “trapdoor” to sneak out of its clutches.

When you refuse to play any of those three roles, you change the game.

By taking responsibility for yourself, you stop being the Victim.

When you stop attacking the other person as the cause of all your misery, you stop being the Persecutor.

When you resist the urge to fix the other person and instead support them in coming up with their own solutions, you stop being the Rescuer.

Be aware, though, that when you stop playing this game, your partner will not like it.

This is the status quo that you’ve both been used to for a long time. Your wife will most likely try to drag you back into the triangle by turning up the volume on whatever role they prefer.

All you can do is calmly refuse to be baited back inside. You may need to take a break and table the conversation in order to break its hold.

Are circular arguments like the Drama Triangle dragging your marriage toward separation and divorce? If so, you’re not alone. This kind of chronic conflict is a sign that things are going south in your relationship.

Now is the time to turn things around.

I believe that it is only when a man learns how to be the best version of himself that he can be, that he can confidently and quickly bring attractive new energy to his marriage.

That’s what our online course is all about. And right now we’ve got an offer you won’t want to refuse:

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When you join us in this course, we will meet with you LIVE every month to personally encourage you along your path.

Our next live meeting is on January 11th at 1:00pm MST.

Join us for an hour and a half of powerful coaching and encouragement. We want to see you and hear your story.

You'll get the meeting link right after you sign up.

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Lotta love, brother,

Steve and Tim

P.S. Since we launched our course over 750 men have gone through the
program. One of the things that makes this course unique is the incredibly powerful online community that is part of it. The men in our group are just like you and are completely engaged in helping each other every single day.

Now is the perfect time to take positive action and join us.

P.P.S. Here's an answer to one of the most common questions men ask us about the course.

Question: How can I know if it's already too late for me and buying this course would just be a waste of time?

Good question. Defusing your particular divorce bomb may not be possible.

It could be that your wife is so emotionally and mentally unhealthy that she's entirely unwilling and incapable of being the partner you want in your life. It's also possible she is so totally done and checked out that she has a brand new life planned that doesn't include you.

And it's possible that YOU may become so clear and confident in what you expect of yourself and for yourself that you're the one who decides to let go.

The bigger point is this. If your instincts tell you there is something still worth working for then you must do this work. And guess what?

We know that even if your chances of saving this version of your marriage are low...you must do this work! Every single man we coach who has done this work and wound up divorced discovers something amazing. He doesn't die! Not only that...he thrives like he never imagined.

There is also a 100% Money-Back Guarantee that comes with the How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb course, so you really have nothing to lose.

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Steven Horsmon

550 Drake Ranch Rd., Livermore, CO 80536, USA

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