Just a very simple message today.
It came to me when listening to an old country song by Phil Vassar - Just Another Day in Paradise. No matter what you think about country music, there's normally a good story to tell. And it's usually about real life stuff...including marriage, women and sex.
Because I speak to men every day about marriage, women and sex, these lyrics have been bouncing around in my head.
Friday, you're late
Guess we'll never make our dinner
date
At the restaurant, you start to cry
Baby, we'll just improvise
Well, plan B looks like
Dominoes' pizza in the candle light
Then we'll tippy toe to our room
Make a little love that's overdue
But somebody had a bad dream
Mama and daddy
Can me and my teddy
Come in to sleep in between?
Yeah it's ok. It's so nice.
It's just another day in paradise.
Well, there's no place that
I'd rather be
Well, it's two hearts
And one dream
I wouldn't trade it for anything
And I ask the lord every night
For just another day in paradise
Yeah, I know the lyrics are a little sugary, but let's be honest. You're a sucker for this stuff, aren't you? So am I.
Why?
Because it's a very simple, sweet story about a married couple with kids where nothing goes exactly as planned. And even when they finally try to have some "alone time", their plans get spoiled by a scared kid.
And in the chorus the song paints a picture that it's all okay. There's no better place he'd rather be. They actually like each other! They share a dream. He sees it as just another day in paradise and he's grateful for it all. It's a simple story craved by every man I know.
In a relationship like that they both share a private secret.
They know they have many years of lovemaking in front of them.
And there's no cause for agitation, upset or anger when things don't go according to plan. And that feels pretty damn good.
*****
I realize your particular situation may be more complicated.
Heck, she may even be saying, I don't like you...I'm not attracted to you...or I don't feel safe or romantically connected to you.
You may be experiencing intense feelings of rejection, abandonment and detachment.
It's those feelings that make most us react in incredibly unhealthy and ineffective ways.
Through our triggered shame and insecurity, we employ arguing, debating, anger, bargaining, begging and contempt. And we somehow think this will actually solve the problem. (I hope you're grinning now)
It IS kind of funny. We act out in the most unattractive and controlling ways thinking it will help her want to be closer.
But that's what insecurity and a lack of self-reliance look like. They always leads to fear based, over-the-top emotional reactions.
What's the opposite of that? What could possibly cause your wife to reverse her feelings about you? What might make her feel safer and more attracted?
It's a man who knows he's got decades of lovemaking in front of him.
He's calm, relaxed and grateful. It's all okay...and kind of funny. He's a man who is so secure and confident in himself and his own value that she seeks him out for connection and intimacy.
It happens for him because he loves it and wants it...but he doesn't need it or require it. His playful lust for life and her is the attraction. And his calm, patient self-assured energy is irresistible.
We called it "Mountain Lion" energy. The cool, calm "tail swishing" mojo of the big cat is his super power...and he knows it.