Hey brother,
My sweetheart was telling me about a friend of hers who recently broke up with her long-time partner.
The bottom line reason was around the question about feeling "needed" vs. feeling "wanted".
Which one would you rather feel from your partner?
Personally, I like being "needed", but only in the sense of being appreciated for my unique masculine
qualities. For example, I love it when she "needs" a big, strong hug. I'm happy when she "needs" me to check out a bump in the night or a squeaky wheel on her truck. And, of course, I love being "needed" in the bedroom.
But I don't need to be needed. And, I don't want to feel a desperate, insecure, neediness from any woman or man in my life.
In both romance and friendship, I want the foundation to be one of desire...or "wanting" to be together. This "wanting" is a secure and unapologetic attraction to each other and thoroughly enjoying being together. This "interdependence" is a healthy form of relationship based on mutual desire, respect and trust. Both people are emotionally secure.
Some people are so invested in being "independent" that they live in fear of connection, fear of vulnerability and fear of intimacy. They're no fun to around. They are most self-absorbed and detached, although, some of them
make good drinkin' buddies!
And some people are so "co-dependent" that they are joined at the hip with no separate interests...no other friendships...and no other mission in
life. It's the "I don't know where I end and you begin!" relationship. This is the energy of "neediness" I talked about above.
Co-dependent relationships normally click
along just fine since both people are getting their insecure needs met. These relationships are also marked with bouts of arguing, begging, pleading and blaming as each partner struggles to get the other one to meet their "needs".
The video below is a re-run of one of my most popular chats about this issue. I will discuss what I believe makes a "healthy" relationship without being an independent asshole or a needy, desperate man. (disregard the end of the video about upcoming retreats).
