John replied, “Well it sucked. All I wanted was to feel a little effort on her part. A little reciprocation.”
“I know.” I said. “That would have been nice, but you have control over her reaction. Jane could have made herself throw you a bone to help you feel better – but she cannot make herself WANT to do it. The only power you have in this situation is clearly and unapologetically stating what you want
and what you expect. You let her know what is non-negotiable for you in your marriage. The only control you have is in how you choose to think, speak and act from this point forward.”
What if She Never Wants to Do It?
John pressed on, “I know I can’t make her WANT to stay with me. But what if she never comes around?”
“What if?” I asked.
“That would be the worst.” he said. “We would continue to be miserable and probably end up divorced.”
“And then what?” I asked.
Clearly frustrated, John replied, “Then we would end up like half of our friends. The kids would suffer and we both would wind up worse off financially. It just doesn’t have to end that way! She can help me save this if she wants to.”
“And what if you find out she just doesn’t want to?” I asked.
Now nearly in tears, John said, “Then I would have failed as a man and husband. I would have failed as a father. And I’ll probably end up alone and never see my kids. That’s the scary part.”
“So, you think your feelings of success and adequacy as a man, husband and father are under the direct control of a woman who has been disrespectful, dismissive and disinterested in you. You feel that your value and well-being as a man are measured by the level of Jane’s approval of you and her willingness to be
intimate again with you. Do I have that right?” I said.
“It actually feels worse when you put it that way.” John answered.
“Worse than what?” I asked.
John chuckled and said, “The idea of her leaving me doesn’t feel as nearly as bad as my knowing that I’m letting her make me feel like such a spineless, undesirable, pathetic loser.”
“One last question.” I said. “No matter what Jane decides to do with her life, what are the chances of you winding up as a spineless, undesirable, pathetic loser?”
“Nearly zero”, he grinned. “I can do better. I deserve better. But I still love her, you know?”
Yes, I know, buddy.”
John’s Next Steps
John now has a clearer glimpse into the mindset he needs to move forward. This is a man’s mojo.
It’s a feeling of strength, clarity and confidence.
A man with these qualities is much better poised to deal with himself and his relationship. He responds to the stress with a clear head instead of reacting like the 15 yr. old boy inside him. His decisions and responses can come from a place of strength and love for himself and his marriage.
Will a new mindset “save his marriage”? There is no way to know. It sounds like the old marriage doesn’t need saved. John’s new mindset will help him learn how to create something new. Only Jane can decide if she wants to be a part of that.
Your Turn
What do think John’s next steps should be?
Can you understand his fears?
What would say to him at this point?
