Wife #1: I Don't Like You Right Now
This is a wife who is honestly and seriously frustrated. She isn't planning on a divorce and she still has long term dreams of being together as a couple and a family. She still sees you as her partner and
lover.
She is resisting against an environment in which she feels unseen, unheard, misunderstood, unappreciated and unloved.
And she is rebelling against you (and possibly any other male figure in her life) for making her feel small, insignificant, controlled, stupid and/or smothered.
But she's not "done". She's trying to find a way to fix things. And right now, she's thinking it's YOU who needs to be fixed. And that may piss you off because you know it's not only you who needs to
change.
She chose those hurtful words to get your attention. She said them because she wants a better relationship for herself.
This is a fairly clear and simple coaching challenge. If I can get a man to see the real truth about what's happening, he can normally get calm, clear and deliberate in changing himself and, therefore, changing her perspective
toward him and the marriage. And THEN, she will normally start making changes to her own way of showing up.
This is a leadership challenge that most guys don't understand because they are too busy feeling hurt and too busy arguing and trying to "win" arguments.
The good news is this isn't a bad place to be compared to the next one.
*****
Wife #2: I'm Seriously and Entirely Done With You and This Marriage!
This is a wife who has given up. She has been spending most of her time either fantasizing or literally building her new life.
In her mind, she has moved on to a life of independence, freedom, single-motherhood and sensuality that doesn't include you.
She has likely done some personal development work (unknown to you) and has a mental and emotional clarity that you can't even imagine. That's because you're in utter turmoil at her apparent lack of concern and emotion about the pending
split.
And you can't believe she didn't give you more of a heads up about what she was thinking. And she can't believe you just had that thought. That's why
she's done.
This is ALSO a fairly clear and simple coaching challenge.
But the challenge in this case is to help you reach a very deep and spiritual understanding about what has happened and why.
The most important challenge for you in this case is to see this as your opportunity to learn more about yourself, relationships and women than you've ever thought possible.
This is an opportunity to grow and create something for yourself you never imagined before.
And, the FIRST thing you must learn here is that you're not broken, you're not insane, it's not all your fault and you'll not only get through this...you will find a gift in it.
You're going to be OKAY. It just doesn't feel like it right now.
*****
Wife #1.5: I'm not sure! I don't know! Stop pressuring me! I just need space!
This is the gray area.
It's a mind-bending and heart-wrenching land of eternal limbo.
She honestly isn't sure about of the non-stop rush of feelings and negative energy in her mind and body.
She honestly doesn't quite know how to stop the thoughts and feelings and is genuinely confused.
Her anxiety level is at DEFCON 1 which means any external pressure feels like a red hot poker on her skin.
Her disconnection and need for space is a desperate attempt to relieve the pressure.
This is both the pressure inside her own mind and the external pressure she feels from you as you demand answers, explanations and clarity.
This is where you'll first hear us use the phrase, "Just drop the rope".
This refers to my horse training analogy where you've been pulling on the horse, begging the horse and commanding the horse to do something you need it to do. The rope is now wrapping hopelessly around the head, back and
legs.
Just...drop...the...rope.
This doesn't mean to give up and walk away.
It means to CALMLY and LOVINGLY realize that what you're doing isn't working. In fact, it's making matters worse.
Dropping the rope means to let go of the insecure, anxious and angry need to have all the answers and to force her to make you feel better.
It takes a mature, secure and healthy MAN to drop the rope.
*****
The coaching challenge with a man in this situation is more complicated.
If you watched the video, you learned there are a LOT more things to think about if your wife is halfway in and halfway out.
The next best decision you can make now is to speak with someone who has ALREADY BEEN THERE.
There's nothing more calming and encouraging than speaking with a guide/sherpa/navigator who knows exactly what you're going through.
This is someone who knows exactly HOW to address both the INSIDE GAME of dealing with your own thoughts and the OUTSIDE GAME of dealing with her reactions to you.
*****
This is what we do. It's ALL we do.
And we do it only for men like you. That's because we ARE men like you, brother.
Answer the unusually PERSONAL QUESTIONS.
Make a decision to trust someone who gets you and can help you.
DO NOT APPLY if you're not a serious minded person.
We take this stuff very seriously (and often, humorously).
The coaching consultation will last AT LEAST 60 MINUTES, so be sure you're in a quiet, private place.
You will learn a few things during the call you can implement THAT DAY.
And you'll know if you're cut out for this community of men. (Hint: You are.)
Lotta love, brother,
Steve
P.S. We are having our May Confident Man Ranch Retreat next Monday and it's full. There are spots open for October and I'd love to meet you in person, sharing a drink around the fire. It's time to take
care of you, Check it out. October 9-12 Confident Man Ranch Retreat
