Question:
I got home and she snaps at me for not taking out the trash. I snapped back and we end up fighting again. I know I shouldn’t have engaged with her. I can’t seem to contain myself from getting baited into these arguments. How do I get this to stop?
Answer:
Brother, I get it. This argument could have totally been avoided.
It’s not what you think though. This has nothing to do with stopping her from saying whatever she damn well pleases. You can’t control that. Trust me, I tried.
What you have 100% control over is how you show up. That control starts long before she snaps at you.
I heard a wonderful analogy this morning and I want to share it in my own words.
We have all heard the saying about “filling your own cup.”
Basically, it boils down to understanding that we are a vessel, a cup if you will, and it is our responsibility to manage the contents of that emotional container.
If our cup has holes in it, it is our responsibility to patch it. We can ask for help with the repairs, and I encourage any man to do so, but ultimately, it’s our cup. We need to fix it.
Our cup might feel empty at times. If it is, we have two choices.
#1. We can look for someone else to fill it.
Major, life shattering problems occur when we try this method.
First, we can never fill our cup from an outside source full enough to make us feel better.
Second, we put ourselves at the mercy of what the other person feels like giving. Most times when someone’s emotions are being sucked out of them like that it feels awful for them. So, we receive awful, scornful, resentment in return.
I have been at the receiving end of this. It looks a lot like the other person is disgusted with you, wants nothing to do with you and definitely doesn’t want to touch you.
Asking someone else to constantly provide you with a feeling of safety and security is draining for them.
Children do this until they are old enough detach. You are not a child. She is not your mommy.
It just doesn’t work.
That leaves us with the obvious second choice.
#2. We fill our own cup.
I bet you've been trying to do this.
I'll also guess you try to do that and still get biting, crappy remarks and hurting jabs.
So, you jab back at her, hoping to stop the insults in their tracks.
You got bumped, so you decided instinctually to bump back.
Now your cups are splashing all over the place spilling whatever you had it filled with all over the floor.
Here lies the phenomenal question I was asked this morning.
What the heck are you filling your cup with?
I smiled when I heard that question. It brought me back to a time when my cup was filled with piss & vinegar…all day long.
I was a walking, talking, raw nerve and when someone got in my way, disagreed or looked at me sideways, I was ready to spill my acid filled cup right back at them.
I would get bumped just a tiny bit and out spilled my emotional state. A constant flow of bitterness and anger. A piss-pot full of defensiveness and self-loathing came pouring out.
On the other hand, if I have my cup filled to the brim with love, joy, and affection, out spills all those things and more onto any situation I am in.
When I find myself at the receiving end of a dirty little dig the first thing I want to spill out is love. My cup is full of it. That’s all that in there.
That’s what I mean by the argument could have been avoided long before it started.
If you had your own cup filled with all you needed to feel loved and accepted the only direction you would have taken was into a conversation about how she was doing.
You would have had enough room to display empathy and caring and understanding.
Boom! Suddenly the conversation turns into one filled with connection instead of repulsion.
She can’t help but get dripping wet with all the love splashing over the sides of your already full and abundant cup!
Set yourself up for complete success each morning by providing for yourself what you need to create that feeling of fullness and love.
Fill your cup with all you need and more.
Watch what happens when each interaction siphons off just a little of all that abundance you have to offer.
You might be asking – “How do I fill my own cup with love?”
That answer is most often discovered in a conversation with another man who is doing this work for himself. I invite you to join a group of men doing just that.
Thoughts From The Woodshop
Years ago, I walked around the shop tense and on edge. Nothing could stop me and my “get shit done” attitude.
(Except maybe an early-onset heart attack. Could you believe that I had high blood pressure? 😊)
I was tearing through work like a mad-man. Fueled by high-sugar drinks and a terrible diet.
Like a splinter wedged deep under a finger nail I was sensitive and hard to deal with. If you so much as bumped into me I turned into a curse word slinging wounded animal. Frankly, I was an asshole and ashamed to say that at that time I was proud of
it.
I thought being on edge meant I was at my edge of productivity.
How wrong I was.
I shifted my mindset from being me against the work to one of pouring love into my work.
I filled my cup in the morning with love and gratitude for the product, my employees and my customers.
I now sail through my days with light ease because in each moment I have an opportunity to pour my heart into it because my heart is full.
Fill your cup up, bring it to work, bring it home, share it with everyone around you.
Where to go from here?
I see you man. I see that you are ready to engage, you are ready to create something new. I see that you are ready to pick up the tools we have available and get back to building something in your life that is beautiful, impactful, and meaningful. I look forward to seeing it!
Most of us men spend a lot of time in our heads. We have conversations with ourselves but never show that thinking and feeling side to anyone else.
We want to help you fix that.
We want to show you what it’s like to speak with a man who has lived what you’re going through. It’s rare to feel totally seen, heard and valued by another man.
We hear it all the time.
“Get out of my head dude! How did you know exactly what’s going on in my kitchen!”
Our free discovery calls are not like anything you might imagine.
This is NOT a sales pitch.
This is NOT “taster session”.
This is a deep dive into your scariest and most vulnerable thoughts. And we require you plan for at least a full hour to connect.
Why do we do it this way?
Simple.
We live to serve men. We live to light a spark of realization in your mind that change is possible. Confidence is natural. And becoming empowered to improve your situation is mandatory.
If you want to talk about our coaching programs, groups and courses, that may take another call.
First things first. Let’s get you moving in the right direction for now.
Click HERE now to schedule your personal conversation.
And if you want to send Matt Epsky a personal message about this Q&A email, you can email him at matt@goodguys2greatmen.com
