Question:
I get the kids ready in the morning, I pack their lunches, I drop them off at school, go to work, pick them up, cook dinner and do the laundry after they go to bed. All that and we still get into arguments about how the damn dishwasher gets loaded. I’m sick of feeling under appreciated for what I
do. How do I get her to see that?
Answer:
My daughter and I had a chance to go for a long drive this afternoon and it was just the two of us. She loves this time alone with me to unload and unwind. We really do have some great conversations.
Lately, school has been pounding into her brain to be “selfless and charitable.”
She was talking about how she “knows” that a good person gives to others and needs to be selfless.
Like most people her age she is getting the impression that being selfish is bad.
Like most women, she also feels the pressure to perform to a certain standard to be acceptable and loved.
I love challenging her on her thinking and she appreciates the discussion.
I said to her, “I admire you for how you give to others, but I want you to know that I want you to give to yourself first. Love yourself first before you try to love another.”
She said, “They don’t say that in school. I need to be a good friend and make sure everyone else is taken care of.”
I stated, “Whenever you get asked to do something, I want you to check in with yourself and find out if you have the energy and the desire to do it.”
She asked, “Well, what if I don’t?”
I said, “If you don’t, you can end up feeling drained, used, and exhausted. I like to think that when you fill your own cup up first, people get to drink from the overflow.”
“How do you do that?” she inquired.
“Well, whenever you are feeling frustrated or annoyed that you have to do something it’s a good sign that you aren’t rested or loving yourself enough to give to someone. It’s okay to ask for a break and offer your help once you take care of your own needs first,” I
replied.
She thought for awhile and said, “But school says we have to be selfless. I know what that means…it means I have to help everyone around me, all the time, even if they are being rude or annoying.”
“Let me ask you it this way. You know how your sister asks you to help her get everything for her. Sometimes you get upset that she doesn’t do it herself. You might be in the middle of your book, or you are in the bathroom, and she yells for you to bring her something. Sometimes you get
upset right? Well, you get upset because you think you can’t finish what you are doing before you have to run for her needs. If you put yourself first, took care of what it is you want to do before you helped, would it feel better? Would you be willing to help if she waits until you were done?” I asked.
“For sure,” she smiled “If she had any sort of patience it would help.”
“Yes, but more importantly, you took care of you. Then you had all kinds of time to give and be selfless,” I suggested.
“Hmmm…” she thought.
I added again, “If you filled your own cup up first, you would have plenty left over to give to her. If you love yourself first, you can love others without hesitation.”
“Yes, that makes sense,” she said.
“Also, how do you feel when you help someone else?” I asked.
“It feels good, but it shouldn’t, because then I would be giving and doing it for myself. That’s being selfish,” she stated.
“That’s the paradox,” I excitedly shared. “Giving should feel good for both people. They get the good feeling of someone loving up on them and you get the feeling of doing something meaningful to you. It benefits both people when you are giving from a place of fullness. Giving to someone
will never feel like an obligation or draining when you take care of your needs first.”
I saw her eyes light up and heard, “Then giving isn’t really taking anything away from you.”
Bingo kiddo, you got it. (insert proud Dad emoji here.)
The frustration I felt when I viewed myself as unappreciated was my own belief to challenge. I viewed my own worthiness was tied to the things I provided or did for others.
I had to take ownership of my frustration. It is my responsibility to know the worth of my contributions to the family.
I felt tremendously better when I put my personal care first and then gave from that self-created abundance.
Thoughts From The Woodshop
This lesson was a tough one to implement.
I was taught in an environment that the harder you worked and the more hours you put in, the “better” you are at your job.
Long, hard, draining hours = good boy, you are acceptable.
I had to find a different path because it was leaving me feeling exhausted, frustrated, and down-right angry at times.
I was caught in a weak attempt at blaming those who are asking things from me as the source of my pain.
Really it was my issues around my ill-defined boundaries and mis-aligned thoughts about where the source of my worthiness comes from.
I had to get clear on what I wanted and how to give that to myself and then stand firm in my desires.
It was tough at first thinking I was about to disappoint a lot of customers when I set healthy limits on what I can and cannot do.
What I found out instead was that they appreciate the honesty and the fact that I was taking care of myself first.
It sets a good example for the people around you to follow.
If you are feeling unappreciated and over worked, it is your responsibility to care for yourself first.
