Woodshop Wisdom - I Just Can't Make Her See My Changes!

Published: Mon, 10/04/21

Welcome back, brother,

This is our weekly Woodshop Wisdom email where we answer specific questions from men in our Goodguys2Greatmen community.

My name is Matt Epsky from central Minnesota. As a senior member in the community and coach in training, I pick the question of the week and give you some insights and challenges that can change your perspective and your approach.

As I've discovered in running my own custom cabinet shop, these insights will end up helping you in every single facet of your life.

Better man, better father, better partner and a better leader!

Let's get started.

Question:

I have been working on myself and doing this work for a while now. My wife said she doesn’t see any changes at all. I feel frustrated and disappointed with trying to do something that will make her see me differently. How do I know if this is working if she doesn’t see it?

Answer:

This is a common complaint, brother. When we work hard for personal change we long for some kind of acknowledgement...some kind of validation that it's "working". The problem with this is that your wife is the wrong gauge to use for measuring your progress. And if she thinks YOU are using HER as the measure, she'll keep telling you she doesn't see any changes.

She's waiting for you to use your own internal gauge and stop being disappointed with the lack of her approval. She wants her man to be able to approve of himself. Let me tell you a story to help explain this concept.

I just returned from the Grounded Man Golf Retreat. It was an amazing weekend and I want to give thanks to the men that were there. I love you guys.

My last day, travel day, included an important lesson for me. A reminder I want to share with you.

My flight was scheduled to leave early Monday morning and I arrived at the airport two hours before my flight.

While checking my bag I started to feel it was taking a long time to get everyone through the line, but I eventually saw my golf clubs sent off towards home.

I hustled over to security and waited in another long line with hundreds of others. It was like one of those Walmart check-out counters where there are 8 stations and only 3 open. I stood in line for an hour and a half. Time was ticking by quickly.

I finally got through, ran to the tram, and jumped on a car that would whizz me to my gate.

I sprinted to my gate number and saw the plane through the windows as I darted towards the door.

The same door got closed right in front of me with a tired sounding gate attendant there to greet me with, “Too bad, you’re late, the doors are closed.”

I missed my flight.

This never happened to me before. I’m not yet a seasoned veteran of the joys of air travel.

I didn’t know what to do next. The gate attendant was of no help, he seemed annoyed that I had the audacity to have a surprised look on my face when the door to my ride home was shut in my face.

So, I simply sat down and a took a deep breath.

That happened. Now what?

I waited about 15 minutes as my plane sat there finishing whatever precheck it needed to do. I thought to myself, “They could maybe open the door if it was just going to sit there!?!?” 😊

I eventually stood up and walked over to the counter. The gate keeper said gruffly, “License.” I produced my license and without a word he hastily printed off a standby ticket and sent me on my way without another word.

I never had one of those before either.

I called my brother, a frequent flyer, and he guided me on the steps to find the next flight, check in with the gate attendant, and call the airline customer service line to get whatever help I could get.

All that worked and after waiting for a few hours I hitched a ride on another plane heading my direction.

I tell you that story not because it’s something new and different, a lot of you have probably been in that position.

I tell it because at no point did I feel panic or anxiety.

I knew that I could find help if I asked the right person.

I knew that I was okay and was going to be okay.

I knew that I am capable in any situation.

I got home that day...later than I had planned but home none the less.

This is where the insight happened.

When I arrived, I took another deep breath. This time of the familiar, humid, upper mid-west air I know so well.

I got behind the wheel of my truck I have put over three-hundred thousand miles on and driving roads I know like the back of my hand.

It was all so familiar and recognizable.

I experienced the feeling I have after being gone for a while.

I had this utterly calm and peaceful feeling wash over me. “I am home.”

THIS IS WHAT INTERNAL GROWTH WORK FEELS LIKE.

I recognize it now.

It feels like coming home to myself.

It never feels like I must do something right to get something I want.

It never feels like I'm a failure and “if only” I knew more.

It never feels like I must live up to some impossible, perfect standard.

It feels like a place I left for a bit and recognize immediately when I see it again.

It feels calm, peaceful, forgiving, and accepting.

It feels like no other place on earth.

When I am lost and looking for an answer or if I am looking to see if I am doing this right, I know my compass now points inward towards home.

Home really is where my heart is. I look there first.

When your wife expresses she can’t see the changes or believe them, I encourage you to look towards your internal sense of home for your next answer.

Coming home to your own internal sense of well being feels warm, calming, and comforting. You will recognize it when you see it, you can’t miss it, it just feels right.

Thoughts From The Woodshop

I haven’t built many in today’s world of manufacturing efficiency, but a hand-cut dovetail is a very satisfying joinery method to create.

After careful measuring, precise templating, a steady hand with the saw, and razor-sharp chisel work; the beauty and satisfaction of those two pieces of wood coming together like puzzle pieces made for each other is extremely rewarding.

They smoothly slide into place and fix tightly and securely together. With a light tap of the hammer, they’re home. It’s not forced, it just fits.

It’s almost like one little seed sprouted to make a tree, to grow that wood, to be shaped by a craftsman’s hand, to create something that was meant to happen.

Create something in YOU that was meant to happen, it will feel like a perfect fit.

Where to go from here?

I see you man. I see that you are ready to engage, you are ready to create something new. I see that you are ready to pick up the tools we have available and get back to building something in your life that is beautiful, impactful, and meaningful. I look forward to seeing it!

Most of us men spend a lot of time in our heads. We have conversations with ourselves but never show that thinking and feeling side to anyone else.

We want to help you fix that.

We want to show you what it’s like to speak with a man who has lived what you’re going through. It’s rare to feel totally seen, heard and valued by another man.

We hear it all the time.

“Get out of my head dude! How did you know exactly what’s going on in my kitchen!”

Our free discovery calls are not like anything you might imagine.

This is NOT a sales pitch.

This is NOT “taster session”.

This is a deep dive into your scariest and most vulnerable thoughts. And we require you plan for at least a full hour to connect.

Why do we do it this way?

Simple.

We live to serve men. We live to light a spark of realization in your mind that change is possible. Confidence is natural. And becoming empowered to improve your situation is mandatory.

If you want to talk about our coaching programs, groups and courses, that may take another call.

First things first. Let’s get you moving in the right direction for now.

Click HERE now to schedule your personal conversation.

And if you want to send Matt Epsky a personal message about this Q&A email, you can email him at matt@goodguys2greatmen.com

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