Question:
All I ever wanted was to keep my family together. How do I stop the destruction of my family? How do I save my kids from the terrible pain of divorce?
Answer:
Hello fathers. My realization that our family would be broken apart was my most painful moment.
Nothing broke my heart more than realizing I wouldn’t wake my kids every morning and kiss them goodnight every bedtime.
I was their father and I let our family fall to ruins. That intense shame brought me to my knees.
I felt like a failure and I hated myself for it.
At the time, I didn’t like her too much either.
Four years removed from that initial shock I can show you the way to be better father than you ever thought possible. I can show you a way to create a family you thought was gone forever.
Mine looks different than what I had planned, but it is stronger than I ever considered.
I didn’t save them from the “pain of divorce” – I loved them through it.
It happens to be remarkably simple to do.
I bring forward every single decision I make from the pure love I have in my heart.
Fathers know what this love feels like. I felt it the moment they were born when the whole world changed in an instant. I knew in a millisecond there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do to protect them, cherish them and guide them.
I would lay down my life in service of them.
I simply bring that commitment to the forefront of my consciousness.
I believe there are only two basic emotions – love & fear.
Every other emotion is on a sublevel to these two basic feelings.
Hatred, sadness, and discontent can be tracked back to the underlying feeling of being afraid of something.
Happiness, joy, and contentment are tracked back to feeling in love with something.
I combine that with this knowledge; my only job is to get them to 18 years old alive. That’s it. Everything else is frosting.
Really…I take the pressure off. I feed them, make sure they sleep and try my best to get them to live that long. (they seem to fight me at every turn)
I tell my kids that they will need therapy someday. I also tell them I am sure I screwed them up in some way and I will own that when they are ready to talk about it. 😊
I also love the heck out of them when I have them.
I’m not saying it was easy at first, but it was very simple.
When they were sad and missing my wife and I together – I sat with them and let them know it feels terrible for me too. That we will get through it together.
When they acted out and misbehaved – I said, “I love you. What do you need most right now?” (Kids don’t act out because they are mean, they just feel unloved and misunderstood. They feel alone.)
One of the simplest ways to move past their strong emotions is to say, “Come sit with me.” I pat the couch next to me and I hold them close until their breathing calms. After that, we can talk.
There are many false pressures we can put on ourselves. When you are faced with a parenting decision just ask yourself this simple question.
Is this decision made from love or am I afraid of something?
It really is that simple.
My advice - don’t be afraid. There is nothing more powerful than a father’s love. It is never ending.
P.S. I want to help you – click the link and join me.
This retreat in September is going to be amazing and I want you there.
The Grounded Man Retreat in Utah is about much more than golf!
Thoughts From The Woodshop
I got out of the woodshop today. It was Sunday after all!
I took my two daughters and each got to bring one friend to the Minnesota State Fair.
There were five of us. Four pre-teen girls and myself.
To some, that might sound unusual and challenging. I received a lot of accolades from some women that saw us all together.
I heard, “Wow, what a handful you’ve got there!”
Also, “Dang, you are such a good father!”
For me it was remarkably simple. I made sure they were fed. I made sure they didn’t fight and kill each other.
The fun conversations we had on the drive down and all the laughs we shared during the day was bonus.
When I am living from that place of love they feel it and relax into it. They feel safe and protected. The day goes by swiftly and with positive energy.
When the mood sours, I understand that they simply have lost that love connection. I see them and am able to sit with them until they are feeling loved again.
My advice is that simple from here on out for father’s who find themselves suddenly parenting alone.
Feed them, keep them alive, LOVE them.
