Question:    

I asked my wife out on a date.  She said “okay.” That night I forgot to make reservations and we had to change plans. She was upset and ignored me for the rest of the evening.  I felt like an idiot.  I totally screwed this up.  How do I make it up to her?

Answer: 

First, I'll give you a direct, short and sweet answer to your question.  Then I'll tell you why I answered it this way.

Look her in the eye and tell her, "Hey, I totally screwed up our date plan.  I feel like an idiot.  I expect more from myself.  I can do much better than that...and I will."

Then drop it.  Stop talking.  Don't explain or make excuses.  Bring her a cup of coffee.  Then tomorrow...do better.  Move on.  Be consistent.

Period.

All that matters is how you handle yourself and your recovery from a normal screw up and bad day.  And that's what she will pay attention to.

*****

A couple of weeks ago I told you the story of getting a date with a beautiful woman who happens to enjoy golf.  What I didn’t tell you is how that date went…and what I learned about myself after it was over.

 

I’m going to start by saying “I’m not a pro golfer, my back was a bit sore, and it was scorching hot outside.”  Is that enough excuses for what happens next?  I’ll let you decide. 😊

 

We met at the course.  She was looking super-fine and was wearing that smile  (and that golf skirt) that lights up the world around her.  I was excited to be out with her.  It was going to be fun, and I get a chance to show off my athleticism. (insert strong-arm emoji here.) 

 

We stroll up to the first tee box already laughing and enjoying the conversation flowing between us.

 

I tee up. 

 

Take a deep breath.

 

Line up what was to be my first shot and let…it…RIP.

 

Crushed it. 

 

That ball sailed so far to the right and into the woods that I would have needed a basset hound, a 10-man search team, three days, and RFID implant in that ball to find that damn thing.

 

It was gone, and so were my chances at impressing this gorgeous woman.

 

“Oh boy…do you want to hit another one?” was what I heard sweetly from behind me.

 

That is exactly the start I didn’t need.

 

I would like to tell you that I recovered my game after that.  It would be an amazing analogy for how we refocus and recover.

 

The truth is my golf game got worse. 

 

She kicked my butt on each and every hole thereafter. 

 

I lost 14 balls into the water or the woods that night and we only played 9 holes!

 

The lesson I learned isn’t that by some miracle everything gets better and everything works out.

 

I am terrible at golf.  Below average on my best day.

 

The lesson is that I don’t have to be perfect to have value, to be fun, to give love and bring joy.

 

I can mess up and suck at times and it doesn’t subtract anything from who I am.

 

She got a chance to witness that mindset.  We spent more time looking for my golf balls than we did actually golfing, but we got to spend time together.

 

The night didn’t have to be impressive or grandiose.

 

I just had to be present, with her.

 

If I had waited until I was a good enough golfer to take her golfing I wouldn’t have a date for 2 years.

 

I asked myself a few days later:

“If I wasn’t afraid of looking bad, what else would I try to do.  Where am I holding back because I have a fear of looking stupid?”

 

I would dance more.

 

I would sing louder.

 

I would create more opportunity for kisses, hugs and affection.

 

I’m grateful for the way my date turned out.  My mistake filled, hard to watch golf game taught me more than an even par round ever would.

 

It also showed her how I deal with adversity, how I respond to challenges and how I am accepting, care-free, and fun to be around.  All birdies in my opinion. (No hole-in-one jokes please 😉)

 

If you want to ingrain these insights into your body, heart and mind, join me at our Grounded Man Retreat.  It will be a life-altering, perspective changing event that happens to have some golf mixed in.  Come join me in sending some golf balls into the desert.  I’ll bring enough for both of us.

 https://www.manoflegacy.org/2021-grounded-man-golf-retreat

 

Thoughts From The Woodshop

 

I had a client one time tell me that, “Those drawer fronts look terrible.  I wouldn’t even put those in a trailer house. They are unacceptable.”

 

I could have given up right there.  Packed up my tools and never came back.  It was tough criticism that a younger version of me took hard.

 

I sucked it up though and asked him how I could do better (internally fighting the “I’m not good enough demons” yelling in my head).

 

“You need to come up with something better than that.”, he growled.

 

I took them all out of the house and went back to my shop.  I still didn’t know what he wanted or how I should fix them.

 

I opted for a different, larger outside profile cutter and went to work re-shaping the edges and began refinishing.

 

The next day, after a long night, I slipped back into the house trying to go unnoticed and started re-installing the drawer fronts.

 

I got caught after the first one got put on.

 

“Let me see what you are doing!”, I heard from behind me the owner who rejecting these (and me) the previous day.

 

“Wow! I love those.  Good job, keep going.” He said, adding, “Why didn’t you just do that in the first place?” Reminding me of my place.

 

Sometimes you fail the first time…and the second time.  Keep trying, keep going, keep learning.  The lessons pay off in the future far more than you can imagine.

  

Where to go from here?  

 

I see you man. I see that you are ready to engage, you are ready to create something new. I see that you are ready to pick up the tools we have available and get back to building something in your life that is beautiful, impactful, and meaningful. I look forward to seeing it! 

Most of us men spend a lot of time in our heads.  We have conversations with ourselves but never show that thinking and feeling side to anyone else.

 
We want to help you fix that.

We want to show you what it’s like to speak with a man who has lived what you’re going through.  It’s rare to feel totally seen, heard and valued by another man.

We hear it all the time. 

“Get out of my head dude!  How did you know exactly what’s going on in my kitchen!”

Our free discovery calls are not like anything you might imagine.

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This is a deep dive into your scariest and most vulnerable thoughts.  And we require you plan for at least a full hour to connect.

Why do we do it this way?

Simple.

We live to serve men.  We live to light a spark of realization in your mind that change is possible. Confidence is natural.  And becoming empowered to improve your situation is mandatory.

If you want to talk about our coaching programs, groups and courses, that may take another call. 

First things first.  Let’s get you moving in the right direction for now.

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And if you want to send Matt Epsky a personal message about this Q&A email, you can email him at matt@goodguys2greatmen.com