How Relationships Tend To Start
Nick and Christine met during the spring.
Nick's sense
of humor and carefree energy were enticing for Christine.
Christine's strong will and enthusiasm for life were refreshing for Nick.
Banter was easy.
Fun, playful teasing bounced between them constantly.
Their teasing and joking moved to deeper connection within a few weeks.
By fall, small spats and satire between them would quickly turn into tussles under the sheets and fun,
wild sex.
Their relationship had slowly grown over the months.
This didn't feel like a casual encounter for Nick.
He wanted to commit to Christine for the long haul.
Nick and Christine:
- Married and bought a house.
- Got a dog, chickens, and a duck
- Dedicated themselves to their careers to fund their dreams
- Enjoyed domestic life together
- Delighted in intimate sex regularly
As the years went by, Christine no longer responded as positively to Nick's sarcasm or witty comments.
His teasing that used to get her all hot and bothered now seemed to annoy and frustrate
her.
Tonight Nick was hoping he could get her aroused.
Christine was laid back in bed, playing a game on her
phone when she glanced up and said "Don't do that. Is sex all you think about?".
Nick was laying next to her and had just scooted up to spoon.
His lips were still
pressed to her neck where he had given her a soft kiss.
"Well, we've only had sex like four times this summer", Nick complained.
Christine countered back, "I need some emotional foreplay before I can feel turned on".
"Emotional foreplay"... This was a term Nick heard from Christine many times over the last few years.
It sounded like BS as far as he was concerned. Nick felt sure the only problem in their relationship was the lack of
sex.
Did they need to be more intentional and put sex on the calendar?
Did Christine need to go to therapy so she could feel desire again?
Going long periods without sex felt lonely for Nick.
More sexual intimacy seemed like the perfect fix for their problems!
Nick had been complaining about this to Christine for over a year.
He felt like she was ruining their marriage by keeping her legs closed.
Why Sex Isn't A Gauge To Marriage Repair
Sex does not determine if your marriage is improving because sex is only one of four layers of intimacy.
Many men are more focused on regaining sex with their partner than on dealing with underlying issues.
There's a logical reason for this: Sex opens a man's heart.
Living from an open heart feels good!
In contrast, a woman's heart is opened by your heart, not
sex.
The leadership of initiating an open heart within yourself (even in the absence of sex) is necessary for intimacy in long-term relationships.
The reason is simple: Her body can't "turn on" unless her heart is opened by your heart.
Do Women Stop Liking Sex Later In Relationships?
A woman’s desire for sex vs liking sex with you is are two different things for her.
Husbands world-wide have been shocked to find out their wife was having an affair when he thought she had lost her sex drive years ago.
Many times, we men
assume what turned our wife on in the past still should.
We mistakenly equate her turning down our sexual advances as her not desiring it.
What we need to know is women are an extension of mother nature.
She births change into this
life.
She is constantly leaving one season and moving into another.
The same is also true of her sexuality.
In short, your masculine energy in a relationship needs to provide your wife with space to be who she is right now (without taking it personally).
A man who can enjoy where his wife is right now exudes an attractive energy.
You can lead her to depths she can't get to on her own when you're able to connect with her mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in the present moment.
5 Gauges To Determine If Your Relationship Is Improving
- You're constantly living up to your standards and boundaries for yourself (and feel good about it)
- Her moods (and your triggers) wash over you without feeling a need to do anything with them
- You're choosing a mindset of high regard whenever she doesn't make sense to you
- You're living like a happily divorced man
- She is challenging you more
Notice that "she's being nicer and
responding to me more sweetly" is not on the list.
Females only show their rough emotions to those they WANT to trust and respect.
In all honesty, women tend to keep the full entre of their emotions hidden from you in the early stages of a relationship (Even she struggles to see what's attractive about the storms inside her).
If your wife of many years is suddenly opening pandora's box of emotion with you, get happy!
She's wanting to feel safe with you again.
She's testing to make sure you're solid.
How You Can Address Underlying Issues Preventing Sex Right Now
There isn't enough space in these emails to give you what you need. Even if I tried, a newsletter isn't the same as someone actively engaging with you. If you've been feeding off the tip of the "marriage
help" iceberg I want to challenge you to go all in.
The work of becoming the man you want to be is a deep dive. It's intense. It's like boot camp where you might question if you can keep going. Find a man you who isn’t afraid to challenge your week spots and support you. Committing to male mentorship could be
the best thing you've ever done for your relationship and family.
How Nick Handled His Sexless Marriage
Nick's story is one of hope.
He learned happiness comes from within you, not from others.
He joined a group of men who were intentional about being more loving, confident, emotionally-skilled husbands.
These men helped Nick understand "no" for sex was an invitation to meet Christine where she was.
He learned to lead emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy with her by learning how to lead it in himself.
These
experiences softened Christine.
She wanted to melt into physical intimacy with Nick again.
Although Nick enjoys having more sex in his marriage, he now knows sex is not a gauge to marriage progress.
He's gained clarity about his ways of "being" that makes him happy. How well he’s living up to his own standards is his new
gauge.
When Nick takes action as a man who loves himself, his confidence and vulnerable character are a turn-on for Christine.
Your Early Christmas Present
Christmas is my favorite holiday. Ironically, the most soul-crushing and devastating moments in my life have all happened around Christmas. Each year, I have clear intentions on
how I will make Christmas amazing for myself. The snowfall at my home this week has me feeling the Christmas vibe early so I've decided to give away my eBook "The Devastated Man's Marriage 1st Aid Revival Pack". Click HERE to get a free copy! The price will return next week. I hope you've benefited from these "6 Dangerously Effective Marriage-Saving Secrets" as much as I have! We're on this journey together as brothers. Let's stay connected.
So, where do you go from here?
(a note from Steve Horsmon)
