Married Life Without Masculine Leadership
Kate looked up from her phone and asked, "What do you want for dinner?"
Travis almost didn't hear her.
He was lost in his laptop, searching through real estate listings.
"I don't care. Whatever is easy", Travis replied with a smile.
Kate said, "We have some leftover meatloaf. Or I could do a casserole".
Travis's eyes stayed on his computer.
He was more interested in the new listing he just found than what he wanted for dinner.
"Whatever you want honey. If one of those is near the front of the fridge, just warm that up", he suggested.
"Think we could watch a nature show tonight? It's been a while since we've done that. Or we could go for a drive and look at Christmas lights!", Amy said with enthusiasm.
"Maybe", Travis mumbled as he tried to cut and paste an address from his web
browser.
Kate's voice got serious, "I just think we need to prioritize making efforts for our relationship."
"Huh?", Travis said, confused.
Kate's face got emotional.
Her throat tightened as she said, "Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one fighting for us. I always have to fight alone".
Travis tried to make sense of where the conversation had gone.
He felt himself getting angry.
"Kate, you're a strong independent woman. You love plowing your own way through life. The battles you fight, you bring on yourself", he scolded disapprovingly.
Hearing this did not sit well with Kate. She began to walk out of the room.
In a frustrated tone, she turned around and said, "Nevermind."
Travis heard her walk into their bedroom and close the door.
About an hour
later, his mind was still foggy as he tried to process his conversation with Kate.
He felt a little resentful that she didn't make him anything to eat.
While he warmed up some meatloaf in the microwave, he could hear a nature show coming from the TV in their bedroom.
Yay!
Dinner in bed would be fun.
Travis brought his plate to bed and nestled next to Kate.
She fell asleep moments later.
He finished the episode by himself.
This wasn't the fun, connected, sexy evening he had hoped for.
Attractive Leadership vs Unattractive Management
Each time Kate brought up a question,
Travis tried to manage it by not having an opinion.
Management is a form of “short sighted” damage-control.
An ambulance dispatch system to retrieve hikers who fall off a cliff is management.
Standing on the cliff's edge offering direction away from the edge is leadership.
In the business world, a manager is supposed to keep completing the same tasks over and over.
When a problem arises, there is one goal: push through the problem so normal tasks can resume.
The leader of a company looks broad-range.
A leader ensures effort is spent on the right problems based on where he wants the company to go.
Without
leadership, managers can end up straightening chairs on a sinking Titanic assuming effort equals success.
The same applies to your marriage.
Here are the replies Travis gave his wife in the story above:
- "I don't care"
- "Whatever is easy"
- "Whatever you want honey"
- "Maybe"
- "Huh?”
Do those sound like words of leadership to you?
Those replies were attempts to manage "small fires" by
abandoning his post as leader.
Even the strongest, most independent, business-minded woman wants to relax.
Her sexuality
goes offline if she isn't relaxed.
Leadership allows her to relax and step out of the guessing game.
Every
time Kate bounced options off Travis, she was searching to know what he wanted.
Since Travis offered no solid leadership, her emotions led the conversation (which became frustrating for both of them).
Your wife wants the GOOD feeling of knowing she just gave you something you really wanted.
Saying, "Just warm up whatever happens to be the fridge" robs her of that good feeling.
It's very selfish to not know what you want.
Masculine Leadership Is Sexy: How Travis Could Have Shown it?
Masculine leadership is facing what’s scary.
Especially for guys married to strong independent women, letting her make the choices in the house feels easy.
Deep down, these men are afraid she won't like them if they face her strong will (or he's just lazy).
Sexy, FUN leadership Travis could have given
Kate:
- "Meatloaf sounds great! Let's have that"
- "No, we can't look at Christmas lights tonight. We will next weekend though. It will be fun!"
- "You feel like you're fighting all your battles alone? I'm sorry, that sounds exhausting. Let's talk about it after I get out of the shower tonight when I'm not distracted.”
A unique difference between masculine leadership vs feminine leadership is that masculine leadership is CONSISTENTLY based on values, boundaries, and standards, NOT emotions.
Your leadership is still a gift even if she protests it.
Feminine energy finds her truth when contained by a strong masculine frame.
It's like holding a cup under a milk jug being poured out.
The cup contains the milk so it doesn't spill all over the place.
A woman who has to be her own “cup" will hit burn out.
Travis and Kate A Few Months Later…
Travis had a mind-jolting insight of the obvious: What he was doing wasn't working.
He confided his frustrations with another man who he respected.
Once a week, they would meet at a local diner to talk about what was happening in Travis's marriage.
This wasn't a time for complaining about their wives.
These were times to connect and get clear about how to lead trust and safety in their
marriages.
Travis began to realize most of his frustrations with Kate were coming from his own ways of thinking about them.
When Travis's mentor spoke to him man-to-man, everything made sense.
Leadership and confidence weren't something he had to go find, they were things he needed to stop holding
back.
Travis went on to create an intimate, fun-filled relationship with Kate.
His only
regret was that he let himself suffer for so many years before seeking the mentorship of an experienced man.
So, where do you go from here?
(a note from Steve Horsmon)
