Arguing 101: How to Stop Your "Little Boy" From Screwing Up Your Love Life

Published: Mon, 07/25/22

My name is Mark Drezga and I live in Melbourne, Australia.

I am a master coach with Goodguys2Greatmen and am on a mission to guide men on the path from refusing to grow up to living as independent adults.

My own path from childish dependence on things and people around me, to independent man is likely relatable. You may also feel an anxious lack of certainty and an underlying desire for respect and approval. And yet, many men who are dealing with an impending divorce, a wife who is pulling away, a lack of connection, zero satisfaction or sex will simply scoff and ask “How does it help me!”

Have you heard "I just don't feel like you love me" despite constantly making efforts to make sure she knows?

How about "I just need space" even though you NEVER do anything together anymore?

You are not alone.

The single most powerful book that I have ever read is “Beyond Success and Failure” by Willard and Marguerite Beecher.

This hit a nerve and I have never been the same since.

Perhaps it was the description of what a dependent and immature man looks like that made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. Or perhaps I just wanted to experience the emotional confidence and inner strength I could get by detaching from others and learning to stand on my own two feet.

Many men may feel at odds with certain statements made by the authors and this is a GOOD thing!

Challenging your existing beliefs is like taking your thinking process to the gym. It’s a good workout and an opportunity for growth.

This week’s concept in Beyond Success and Failure is one that can yield INSTANT results.

Click HERE for last week's article.

I will put it into the context of a struggling marriage or a life that

seems to be spinning out of control.

Let’s continue with the third idea and how it can be applied to you.

Concept #3:

"Arguments are attempts to manipulate and subordinate others. We argue only if we feel weak. If we feel we are in the dominating position, we do not bother to argue. Arguing is a form of nagging

and is always a clear sign of dependency. When we give up trying to influence others, we have no further need to argue with them."

Are you the guy who:

Constantly feels the need to defend or justify his point
Takes every disagreement as a personal attack?
Always wants to have the last word?

Arguing is a sure sign that you rely on things outside of you to regulate your own emotional state.

This is why you spend soo much time trying to control things to get a sense of calm inside you.

You argue when you feel small and stupid:

"I AM RIGHT, YOU'RE JUST NOT UNDERSTANDING MY POINT OF VIEW".

You defend yourself when you believe there is something that needs protecting:

"YOU SHOULD REPSECT AND ACCEPT MY DECISION; IF YOU DON'T YOU ARE DISMISSING ME AS A PERSON".

You attack when you experience words as a challenge to your own sense of self and the value that you provide:

"IF YOU DON'T LIKE HOW I HANDLE THE FINANCES THEN YOU DEAL WITH THEM".

Acting from a dominating position has nothing to do with dominating another person. It is about remaining in control of yourself despite what you may be feeling.

It is about dominance over YOURSELF.

Only an insecure man feels the need to manipulate others into agreeing because he doesn't like how the situation makes him feel.

When you are living as a secure man, you can sit with those uncomfortable feelings because you know that:

a) They won't kill you as they are just feelings

b) They don't mean anything about you personally

You don't always need to DO something about the feelings you are having.

You can rely on your values to determine your behaviour despite what your feelings are telling you to do.

Does this stop arguments?

Well, it stops YOU from starting one!

The next step is making the choice to NOT involve yourself in arguments.

Understanding "The Drama Triangle" will help with this.

There are 3 roles within the triangle.

VICTIM
- "This is happening to me"
- “I feel helpless”
- “If only they would help me”

PERSECUTOR
- "It's all your fault"
- “If only you would have done what I told you”
- “If you didn’t’ always start arguments this wouldn’t happen”

RESCUER
- "I need to save others"
- “Let me help you”
- “It feels good to be needed”

There are many factors that contribute to which role you tend to adopt during conflict including which one your partner is playing.

However, NONE of the roles is helpful or lead to better connection.

The term "role" is a perfect description. They are just "performances" by scared, insecure and angry people.

While you may be having scared, insecure and angry THOUGHTS, it is not who you really are or who you want to be.

You get to decide who you want to be. And this means you have both the CHOICE AND RESPONSIBILITY to think differently about what is happening...and then act differently.

NOTE: Awareness will not change anything on its own, you must be prepared to DO things differently to get different results.

As you begin to see the part YOU play in arguments, you can make a conscious decision to NOT be a part of them.

You can decide to STEP OUT OF THE TRIANGLE.

You decide to NOT argue!

For the next week I want you to do 3 things for me.

1. Notice what happens inside you, both in the moments BEFORE and DURING any argument.

Each man is different but there are common signs that you are about to lose control and become reactive.

Some of mine are:

Specific parts of my body become tense (Neck, shoulders, jaw, back)
My ears get hot
My voice goes up a few semitones (it's rather embarrassing!)
I begin to repeat myself

Awareness of these warning signs will help you to avoid arguments by calling time before things get out of control.

The skill of self-control only comes once the practice of self-observation becomes habitual.

2. Don't argue.

Simple, but not easy!

If an argument begins, then calmly excuse yourself and go somewhere you can regroup. Reach out to a brother and vent to him but whatever you do AVOID getting dragged back in.

Just remember to return to the topic when everyone is calm. This isn't an excuse to avoid the hard conversations but a chance to take the lead and reconnect when both of you are calm and open to discussion.

Occasionally the people we have been habitually arguing with may not like that we refuse to play into their games and will do whatever they can to drag us back into their drama.

Don't give in.

Drama is never necessary. It is an immature way of getting attention and needs met. We all have people in our lives that bring drama with them wherever they go and it is unhealthy and annoying.

3. Assume the best about your wife.

Everything we think about other people are ASSUMPTIONS. For most people their assumptions are negatively biased, so let's flip things around and make the choice to assume the best of her!

Assume that she is having a bad day and that whatever is bothering her is not your fault.

Don't make everything about you! (that’s what the VICTIM does)

Imagine your child is upset by something that happened at school.

Would you argue with them and try to prove them wrong?

Let me know how you go!

So, where do you go from here?

The odds are you are a really good guy. You want to be proud of the man you are being and you want your relationship with your wife to be better, but if you could have worked this problem out on your own, you would have done it by now.

At this point we always ask you, "What do you really want?"

It's one of the hardest questions for men to answer. Why?

It seems as if we've been programmed to be afraid of saying what we want!

Only a total jerk would clearly, plainly and unapologetically say out loud what he really wants for himself and his life...right?

Wrong. In fact, if you don't decide to clearly state what you want and go after it, nobody else will do it for you.

We send you these emails to stimulate your thinking and to stir your emotions. That's the first step to taking the lead in your life.

If this email jolted your thinking...or if it tugged at your heart, then you are being called to stand up and do something.

We want to show you what it’s like to speak with a man who has lived what you’re going through. It’s rare to feel totally seen, heard and valued by another man.

Simple.

We live to serve men. We live to light a spark of realization in your mind that change is possible. Confidence is natural. And becoming empowered to improve your situation is mandatory.

If you do want to talk about our coaching programs, groups and courses, that may take another call.

First things first. Let’s get you moving in the right direction for now.

Click HERE now to schedule your personal conversation. Plan for at least ONE HOUR. I guarantee you will happy you did.

And if you want to send Mark Drezga a personal message about this email, you can email him at gethelp@markdrezga.com.

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